Lying to pass as straight.

[WyldSpirit]

I had a bit of a shock last night. A good friend of mine from work came out to me. We were on a bit of a road trip (about a 3 hour drive, I bought a car from him, had to pick it up) and doing the usual B.S.ing, we haven't seen each other at work lately as I changed shifts and we no longer are in the same "group" so we were doing the usual catching up. He is the only person at work that knows that I am bi, I only have a few "real" friends there, real being people that I would and do socialize with outside of work, and the other two are younger women (23 and 25) both of whom are HUGE gossips. I work for a government agency, and honestly, the gossip is horrible.

Anyway, he's known for months that I'm bi, and we've talked really extensively about sex as it always seemed a topic of conversation in our little group. I'd never even suspected by anything that this man had said before that he was even remotely interested in men. He's got a daughter and talks frequently about how much in love with her mother he was (her mother died a few years ago). He's also talked recently about dating women. I'm not sure if the stories were total fabrication or if he was switching the gender of the person he was dating. So, while in the car, he was asking a little more about me being bi, how long have I known, have I ever seriously dated a woman, etc. Then he tells me "You know how Jen and Colie and completely straight, and you're in the middle, well, I'm on the other side of things" and gets out pictures of his partner.

On one hand I feel great that we're good enough friends that he trusts me with something that he doesn't want to be general knowledge around the office, but, on the other hand, I kinda feel lied to. It'd be one thing if we'd just had general conversations about sex, or even specifics about things that we've done (both conversations we've had on way more than one occasion) but just a month or two ago he was talking about dating a girl and going through the B.S. of starting a new relationship, he even told us all a name. I guess that it's probably petty, since it must be way harder for him to feel uncomfortable enough with his sexuality that he's trying so hard (quite successfully, I never would have guessed) to pass as straight.

I have no problem at all with him being gay and I have no problem with him preferring to keep it from being general knowledge at work (hell, again, I'd rather that my sexual preferances not be general knowledge at work) it just bugs me that he actively lied. I've never lied directly about my being bi and I've never substituted the gender of a partner in telling a story to someone. If/when I'm around someone that I'm not out to and don't want to be out to then I just don't talk about my experiences with women. On the occasions when something has been said around someone that I'm not out to, if they ask, I'm honest about it.

Am I just being overly sensitive to feel a little bothered by the actual lying? I'm so used to being the one doing the coming out or having it be absolutely no shock at all when the person tells me that this is entirely new. Again, I'm not disturbed that he's gay, just that he actually lied to hide it. I am however a little relieved that I've had a boyfriend the whole time I've known him and didn't make an ass out of myself hitting on him though, LOL.

So, what do you guys think about someone actually actively lying to pass as straight as opposed to just not disclosing their sexuality?

 

[ravenmx]

I think sometimes it may be necessary.

When I was younger I did it. Sometimes conversations come up and you have to add a name or a gender. Depending on the job or the situation it is easier and sometimes vital to go with the flow so to speak.

I think as you get more comfortable with yourself you decide it isn't worth it to lie. And of course now a days SO or partner is more widely used and can mean either gender, which makes it easier to skirt around those type of situations.

Just my 2 cents

 

[Volz]

I think sometimes it may be necessary.

When I was younger I did it. Sometimes conversations come up and you have to add a name or a gender. Depending on the job or the situation it is easier and sometimes vital to go with the flow so to speak.

I think as you get more comfortable with yourself you decide it isn't worth it to lie. And of course now a days SO or partner is more widely used and can mean either gender, which makes it easier to skirt around those type of situations.

Just my 2 cents

I completely agree. Sometimes it is just absolutely necessary. If I were to come out as bi to even just one person at work, I would be ostrasized (sp??). Not a single person here would probably ever talk to me again. And basically it would eventually lead me to quit my job because it would just be too difficult.

 

[Meat Whistler]

I think it is sometimes necessary, though I also think your feelings are natural. It's upsetting to think that he's a friend, yet that he's lied to you for so long (and so detailed) about this situation.

Another thing to consider is that you seem to have had some interest in him. You mention that 'I am however a little relieved that I've had a boyfriend the whole time I've known him and didn't make an ass out of myself hitting on him though, LOL.' It seems you find him attractive in some way (physically, emotionally), so perhaps just knowing that he is gay puts that whole idea out of the realm of possibility? I know that sometimes when I find out a small little crush has a partner; it's disappointing, even if I wasn't in the position to act on it.

Regardless, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and understand because of the gossip, he was just in a difficult situation.

 

[Jander1]

I think it is sometimes necessary, though I also think your feelings are natural. It's upsetting to think that he's a friend, yet that he's lied to you for so long (and so detailed) about this situation.

Another thing to consider is that you seem to have had some interest in him. You mention that 'I am however a little relieved that I've had a boyfriend the whole time I've known him and didn't make an ass out of myself hitting on him though, LOL.' It seems you find him attractive in some way (physically, emotionally), so perhaps just knowing that he is gay puts that whole idea out of the realm of possibility? I know that sometimes when I find out a small little crush has a partner; it's disappointing, even if I wasn't in the position to act on it.

Regardless, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and understand because of the gossip, he was just in a difficult situation.

Agree that "I would give him the benefit of the doubt". It is as already stated sometimes necessary to lie about one's sexuality. I would however, take into consideration the overall character of this guy when considering if this should be something that hurts your friendship. Does he seem to be somone who just always has stories that may not be quite true or does he seem to be an otherwise honest person?

 

[Nathon_88]

*chuckles* I'm on the other end here. I was open about my bi-sexuality, but have had to close off the half that society views as "bad", lest I lose my job.

Any advice? I mean, it's hard NOT to do things after years of being open about it.

 

[deezire1900]

I guess I am lucky for where I work. I am completely open, and if anyone said anything HR would come down like a ton of bricks. I feel safe there and like I said...I must be lucky.
We are not a small company, fortune 500, with over 50K employees.

 

[ravenmx]

I guess I am lucky for where I work. I am completely open, and if anyone said anything HR would come down like a ton of bricks. I feel safe there and like I said...I must be lucky.
We are not a small company, fortune 500, with over 50K employees.

My company is the same way and is a large globally owned company. It has helped me be more open at work as well. The fact that my SO works in the same department makes it easier for people as they know each of us individualy and not just as each others partners.

My company is big on same sex benefits, health insurance ect.

This is the first job I have had where it is ok to be yourself without ramifications.

 

[kbate]

I am self employed in the home decorating, design and renovation business. I find that being open is an advantage in this business. Rightly or wrongly, people consider gays and lesbians creative, artful persons. I am not above "glomming" on to the fame of Queer Eye and increasing my bank account.

Am I right, wrong or just a whore for money?

 

[John Doe]

It'd piss me off, especially if they knew me so well that they not only knew I was tolerant, but they actually knew I was bi. That and I don't gossip.

 

[PanosGreece]

Just think about it, maybe this man wanted noone to have a doubt about him being straight(and as it seems he made it).
I think lying is bad too but I wouldn't be angry over something like this.
Actually I have lied too about being straight(while I am bi) and I always thought that if someone ever asks a question about me being gay I could easily say no as I am not.
And I thought that if they asked the right question(that is:"are you interested in men?") i would honestly reply with a yes.
But I didn't..And I feel bad about it too..lying about who you are...I think it sucks.If only I could trust my friend's reaction more I would have told him yes, but I didn't know him that well at the time..I suppose being bi makes it more easy to pretend you're not interested in men so homosexuals must have a tough time hiding it..most of them anyway.

 

[deezire1900]

I lied once at my old company (stop me if you have heard this before) and the entire time I worked there the ladies were trying to fix me up with their brothers, male friends, and any other single male they could come up with...I started to run out of excuses on why I was too busy for a date.

 

[Metrodance]

My sexuality is my business in business! My friends and family are aware and that’s all that matters.

 

[WyldSpirit]

In general I think it just bothered me about the extent that he went to lie to cover it. It'd be one thing if he just let us all assume he was straight and did nothing to disillusion us, I don't know, I guess I can understand it to a point, just the extent of the lying really kinda bothers me. It doesn't help any that he's put me in the position of having to continue the lie (which I have no problem with not disclosing his sexuality, it's not my business to) to mutual friends. I got specifically asked today if he had a girlfriend by a mutual friend who knew that I was seeing him this weekend (one of the girls who switched shifts when I did) and if he was still seeing the same girl. I avoided lying or betraying his confidence by saying that yes he was seeing "someone" and I didn't know if it was the same "person" or not. Beyond that I'll just play dumb where it comes to questions about his love life.

Oh well, I'm certainly not going to let it damage a really good friendship. I can understand his motives for lying even if I don't approve of the lie itself. (So much easier to just not disclose at all in my opinion)

By the way, yes, he is someone that I do find attractive, and if I had been single when we'd met, there is a possibility that I would have made a pass at him considering the phase that I was just coming out of (I had met my boyfriend just very shortly before) but that really has nothing to do with my concerns here. I would feel just as yucky about being lied to if it was a friend who I did not find attractive.

Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[mercy's_grace]

I definitely hear what you're saying, but it sounds like it was probably a very complex issue for him to deal with having a daughter, been married, etc. He came out to you and, in effect, told you that you were a person with whom he wanted to be truthful. That's pretty cool.

 

[WyldSpirit]

I definitely hear what you're saying, but it sounds like it was probably a very complex issue for him to deal with having a daughter, been married, etc. He came out to you and, in effect, told you that you were a person with whom he wanted to be truthful. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, that's how I took it too. It's pretty great that we've moved past that arms length "work only" friendship, to really being good friends. So, I guess I just take a deep breath and forgive the lies without ever bringing it up, since I DO understand the reasoning behind them and let the friendship move on to the closer and more truthful level that it's on now.

 

[ozfuzzy]

At my last work, I was relatively open about my bisexual orientation, but my homophobic boss made me uncomfortable several times, mostly at Christmas parties when he'd had a few too many. I think he was a six pack bi (ie after six beers, he'd come out to play). As he looks like Kerry Packer on a good day, I'd rather poke my eyes out than play with him - not even taking into account the worker/boss power issue.

But getting back to WyldSpirit's post, I think I'd be annoyed at being lied at. It's not as if the guy knew you'd blab to everyone, thus requiring this deep dark secret to be kept hidden for ever and ever.

I feel sorry for those workplaces where being gay, bi, lesbian, or transexual is a huge impediment to career satisfaction and advancement. I think the only way to fix this is for as many of us to come out as possible. Once the normals get used to the idea that they work with all sorts, the backlash from the truly homophobic morons will die down as being the offensive behavior it really is.

Andrew

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Am I just being overly sensitive to feel a little bothered by the actual lying?

Yes. It's probably taken him a while to work up the nerve to tell you, but since he does respect you, he finally did.

No one at work knows I'm bi. That's why it's called "living in the closet". We lie, because we worry about the consequences of "coming out". Some are braver then others and they don't care and live "openly". But many of us, are not that brave yet. He took a brave step with you. As time goes on, maybe he'll feel more comfortable being open to more people.

Even though you were open with him about your sexuality, he still may have felt fear even coming out to you. If he's lying to everyone else, then he lies to you as well because that's what's he used to doing. When he finally felt he could trust you, he let his gaurd down.