loved the feedback

[newwitch07]

I have posted 4 stories in running order. Some the feedback has been great while others have been very negative. Please take the time to read them. I can handle constructive criticism, so if there is any way that I can approve please by all means let me know.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337898

 

[mjl2010]

Not really my cup of tea, but I read it so here's my thoughts.

The first problem is you switch between present tense and past tense. There is also a switch at one point from third person to first person, then back again.

Your story moves very quickly. You spend fully sixty per cent of your words on prelude and atmosphere, then the sex happens very quickly. I'd say slow down and enjoy it a little. You really don't describe much in terms of sex, just very brief points along the way. Make it last a little longer.

Try to find an editor over on the editor's board or through the writers resources. They'll help you with those grammar things and point out places where you switched tense or point of view. Things like that are important.

I only read the first one. Sex between guys, even when the girls are there, not my thing at all.

Welcome to Lit and keep writing.

MJL

 

[Singularity]

Best of Friends

I read the first installment of Best of Friends. Here are some things I believe can make this vignette a bit better.

1. There is very little dialog. For a scene where there is a lot of 4-person intimacy going on, among people who clearly know each other very well, the almost complete absence of dialog drains away a lot of the passion.
   
2. The group-sex intention of the foursome doesn't come into play until they are already at the cabin and ready to play strip poker. It seems kind of jarring. I would have expected that there would be conversation about it, beforehand, when the cabin rental was being planned, since it is clear that these 4 individuals have been together, sexually, many times beflore.
   
3. You switch between past and present tense, part-way through. I'm not sure you intended that, but it is jarring, and it doesn't really serve any purpose. All past-tense would be better. There is at least one "we" subject of a sentence, too, when everything else is in third-person.
   
4. You've got some awkward description in several places, as well, where the sequence of the words doesn't really say what you intended it to.
   

5. Glistening skin from the moist air that surrounded them,

6. Lying sated and exhausted the glistening of their bodies shines from the firelight. Everyone by now was getting hungry again. Popcorn and a movie Lorrie says.

7. In the first case, I think you want something like "Their skin glistened in the moist air that surrounded them." And in the second, how about " Lying sated and exhausted, their bodies glistened in the firelight."

I hope this helps.


S.