Love

[3113]

I just had another 4 hour girlie chat with my male, single, 32 y/o friend who's looking for ms. right. I found myself telling him "when you meet her, you'll know."

Was I talking crap?

Nope. Not in my experience. Ever know someone who's in a relationship, about six months, a fairly good one? Let's say it's a girl and the guy has started talking marriage. And the girl says to you, her friend, "I think the relationship is still too new to talk of marriage. We need to really get to know each other better. I don't want to be one of those couples that marries fast and divorces...." blah, blah, blah.

And it all sounds reasonable.

Then, one day, she calls you up, She's met this other guy and she's cheating on her six-month beau. Within a month she's broken up with the Mr. Six-month and MARRIED this other guy!

And you wonder, "What the hell? What was all that crap about waiting to get married..."

That's just it though. It was crap she was using to excuse herself from committing. Because on some level or other, she didn't really WANT the 6-Month guy. He may have been wonderful, great, passionate, romantic, etc. But he didnt grab her on a gut level. This 1-Month guy did. She WANTS him.

That's my addendum. It's a bittersweet one. Sweet because yes, there are people out there for you. I don't mean "soulmate," because I think that's a misleading term. I makes people think there's one person out there who they'll never argue with, will always feel romantic with, and that their relationship will have no low points or lulls. That's just not going to happen. I think it's more accurate to call them, "Partners in crime." It's less "Sleepless in Seattle" than "When Harry Met Sally," Less "Nodding Hill" than "True Romance."

The bitter part is that when you met such a person, it's painfully hard to not be with them. Which, if you've gone ahead and married 6-Month guy, thinking that he is the best, or that you're not going to get better...well, now you end up with having an affair, maybe getting divorced, etc. Because when you meet your "partner," morality, eithics, doing right by a good person and three kids...often goes out the window. All you want is to be with that yin to your yang. That other self.

And THAT is how you know. You know because if they say to you, "I can't stand not being with you always, so I'm leaving. Come with me or not..." you will drop everything, leave all you've ever known behind to go with them. They're it. And you're not complete without them.

And that's, IMHO, is what "you'll know" means in that context.

 

[rgraham666]

I'm sure not planning my life around such an occurrence, 3113.

 

[L_homme]

I just had another 4 hour girlie chat with my male, single, 32 y/o friend who's looking for ms. right. I found myself telling him "when you meet her, you'll know."

Was I talking crap?

Not that I want to sound cynical or harsh, but yes. I thought I'd met a number of ms.rights in my time. They either turned out to be ms.left, ms.idon'twanttoknow or ms.impossibletounderstand. ms.right is just a term of reference given to make the single straight guy feel lesser because he hasn't met her yet. You probably just meant well. Wish him luck.

Those ms. right's who don't want to be met have to realise that guys like your friend (who is probably genuine and sincere about meeting one of them) will now look forward to meeting one after what you said but probably never will. the concept of mr/ms. right is a romantic notion best left to novels written for single women but should probably be read by single men instead, if only to realise ms.right doesn't exist.

I gave my copy of 'sex and the city' away a very long time ago

 

[NoJo]

I'm sure not planning my life around such an occurrence, 3113.

I think not planning is a good plan when seeking love, so good luck.

 

[3113]

I'm sure not planning my life around such an occurrence, 3113.

Oh, I wouldn't plan a life around it. But saying it's crap and it never happens is...crap. It does happen, it could happen.

 

[impressive]

It's less "Sleepless in Seattle" than "When Harry Met Sally," ...

*nods*

And THAT is how you know. You know because if they say to you, "I can't stand not being with you always, so I'm leaving. Come with me or not..." you will drop everything, leave all you've ever known behind to go with them. They're it. And you're not complete without them.

Yup.

 

[rgraham666]

Last post before this thread starts to make me depressed.

My experience has always been that I pour energy into a relationship. And it vanishes as surely as light vanishes in a black hole. Poof! Gone!

Except for my scars.

I've tried caring, not caring, hard, soft and everything in between.

My success rate stands at zero.

Forgive me if I'm not hopeful.

 

[NoJo]

Forgive me if I'm not hopeful.

I love you, http://www.acc.umu.se/~coppelia/images/poohpics/eeyore/eeyore.gif

 

[SummerMorning]

I just had another 4 hour girlie chat with my male, single, 32 y/o friend who's looking for ms. right. I found myself telling him "when you meet her, you'll know."

Was I talking crap?

Nope. Bang on. ... mostly. You should have said:

"IF you meet her, you'll know"

 

[CharleyH]

I just had another 4 hour girlie chat with my male, single, 32 y/o friend who's looking for ms. right. I found myself telling him "when you meet her, you'll know."

Was I talking crap?

Its a bit of a cliche' but no, Joe. You are right. It's a cliche' because everytime we meet someone - its right until we realise it's wrong. Okay - so perhaps you should have given him more explicit advice.

 

[CharleyH]

Nope. IMO you hit it dead on. It sucks being single in your 30's, tell your friend to hang in there!!!

Speak for yourself! Single is much better than wasting years on losers, no matter what age you are (edit to add - or what sex).

 

[sharpchick]

Speak for yourself! Single is much better than wasting years on losers, no matter what age you are (edit to add - or what sex).

You tell 'em, Charley. The worst kind of lonely is lying in bed beside someone who is supposed to be the love of your life and feeling a million miles apart. I'll take alone anyday.

And once you get to the place where you really fall in love with yourself, and quit worrying about finding "the one," things have a way of falling into place.

 

[NoJo]

Its a bit of a cliche' but no, Joe. You are right. It's a cliche' because everytime we meet someone - its right until we realise it's wrong. Okay - so perhaps you should have given him more explicit advice.

Oh, we talked for hours. He actually has a bundle of problems, not least a serious case of bipolarity. But as regards women, he has a Jewish Male thing (which I never had): Basically, if the woman likes him, it means he could do better than her. Disgusting, I know...

 

[GoddessHathor]

To Charley and SharpChick ~ I couldn't agree more! See, I spent 18 years with Mr. Wrong...and am now in my 2nd year of being single (1st time since I was 16 - married high school sweetheart...I "settled" out of fear of being alone).

As much as I say being single sucks, I still won't go back to Mr. Wrong (in my case, the EX-Mr. Hathor). All I meant, and I should've said it differently, was being alone sucks. I'd much rather have my partner-in-crime (whoever/wherever he may be) than be alone.

 

[NoJo]

To Charley and SharpChick ~ I couldn't agree more! See, I spent 18 years with Mr. Wrong...and am now in my 2nd year of being single (1st time since I was 16 - married high school sweetheart...I "settled" out of fear of being alone).

As much as I say being single sucks, I still won't go back to Mr. Wrong (in my case, the EX-Mr. Hathor). All I meant, and I should've said it differently, was being alone sucks. I'd much rather have my partner-in-crime (whoever/wherever he may be) than be alone.

Wow, 16 is young. But on the bright side, 34 is pretty young too.

 

[GoddessHathor]

I love you, http://www.acc.umu.se/~coppelia/images/poohpics/eeyore/eeyore.gif

LMAO All I keep thinking is "Thanks for noticin' me." in that glum Eeyore voice.

But I can understand where RGraham is coming from. But you can't loose faith that it will happen if you keep open to it. It just may not happen exactly when you need it to! LOL

It's hard putting yourself out there, open and emotionally bare, only to find out it wasn't meant to last. It hurts.

 

[GoddessHathor]

Wow, 16 is young. But on the bright side, 34 is pretty young too.

35...but who's counting? lol Young enough to still have fun, and old enough to know how to get away with it!

I started dating him at 16...didn't marry until 24. And then it was because I was scared of being alone, of never finding someone who would want to be with me. Still am...but now, if I'm alone, I'm alone...so much better than being with someone that you can't even stand to look at or talk to.

 

[3113]

Oh, we talked for hours. He actually has a bundle of problems, not least a serious case of bipolarity. But as regards women, he has a Jewish Male thing (which I never had): Basically, if the woman likes him, it means he could do better than her. Disgusting, I know...

Ah, the old Groucho Marx (and subsequently Woody Allen) joke: "I don't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member."

 

[MissBri]

 

[NoJo]

Ah, the old Groucho Marx (and subsequently Woody Allen) joke: "I don't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member."

Yes, that's what my friend said too!

The Groucho syndrome is basically a result of having an aspirational attitude to relationships.

 

[elsol]

What were you suppossed to do; tell him to reconsider guys, 'cause that increases his chances of finding someone?

Do YOU believe there's someone out there for him?

If you do, then obviously you weren't lying to him.

 

[izabella]

You get what you settle for, whether that be ms. right, ms. right enough, being on your own, or endlessly searching for someone better.

 

[shereads]

Mr or Ms Right versus Mr or Ms Right Now

It's easy to know when you've met Mr. or Ms. Right Now.

Sexual chemistry, if it's accompanied by mutual respect and shared enjoyment of non -sexual pleasures, can feel like love but is probably infatuation.

If there's also a sense that you'd be willing to make serious sacrifices for this person's happiness, you're in love. If you're lucky, the sacrifice thing isn't one-sided.

But does being in love mean you've found Mr. or Mrs. Right? Love doesn't always last.

If your friend defines Ms Right as the one he'll share a home with, plan a life with, want to be with even if the sexual chemistry fades; will want at his bedside when nothing else can bring the same comfort...Good luck to him. I don't know if anyone can predict that.

For himself, maybe. But can he be sure she feels the same way, with the same intensity? I used to think it was obvious when deep emotion was mutual. I was wrong, more than once. There's a lot I don't regret about those relationships, but I wish I had been able to enjoy them for what they were: Mr. Then, and Mr. It Was Right While It Lasted.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Bump, because even though I have not contributed to this thread, I am not ready to let it go yet.

 

[NoJo]

That's the spirit, never let the love thread die.