love?

[Lovernotkiller]

Hmmm, I was wondering, is it ok to have to work for love? I mean, work hard for it, live through some 2 years of mixtured happiness and sadness, to get to the goal with liveing together forever. I guess what i am trying to say is, should i be working my mind to pieces to figure out ways to stay together and keep happy forever?

Advice or stories would be a great help

 

[Cathleen]

I've always believed relationships take hard work and a commitment to do that work. A part of me thinks there is a special 'spark' or something that is almost instrinsic to the two but that isn't a pass on the hard work. Perhaps that spark is what motivates us to want to do the work that keeps the person in your life.

I don't believe one person will ever fulfill all needs and wants - that is why we all need each other, but that one special person provides us the ability to feel and want to move forward with them. That takes work.

Everyone has a different threshold for when enough is enough.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[Vixandra]

Not sure if you're working to get your S/O or keep your S/O.

Do know it took me almost 3 years to get my now hubby to notice me as a anything other then "one of the guys."
Was worth it to me- we'll have been married 3 years as of April. Not always easy but always worth it to be at his side and to have him at mine.

Looking back 7 years, if I'd known then what I knew now- I would have still gone after him. Still went through those 3 years of hell and unrequited love.
Because waking up to him in the morning after falling asleep with him is worth it.

Just have to decide for yourself- can you see yourself in x many years waking up next to your s/o and grateful for their pressence there?

 

[Kissophile]

You should both be working hard to get and keep your mutual love and make it grow. If only one of you is doing the work or willing to do the work then something is drastically wrong.

 

[fgarvb1]

Love not freely given and received is not love , but conditional surrender and payment for goods received.

An unholy alliance at best.

 

[Guest]

Hmmm, I was wondering, is it ok to have to work for love? I mean, work hard for it, live through some 2 years of mixtured happiness and sadness, to get to the goal with liveing together forever. I guess what i am trying to say is, should i be working my mind to pieces to figure out ways to stay together and keep happy forever?

Advice or stories would be a great help

Nah, don't work your mind to pieces. Either you want to be happy or you don't. One of you or two of you I really don't want to get into my story, but I truly believe it, although, at times, it gets rough.

Love, hmm...
You're going to have your ups and downs. But it's even better when you're able to share all your feelings with each other. Like I always say: communication.

But your question leaves me with one:
Is someone not happy in the relationship that makes you feel this way?

 

[pplwatching]

We live every day with media that wants to tell us what love is, because the media's view of romantic love sells well. Real love can sometimes appear dull be comparison, but it is a powerful experience that can shape your soul and change your life.

Love is more than a magic feeling. It is a commitment to working through all kinds of good and bad times together in building a life together. The work is hard at times, but the joys and triumphs make you feel complete and wonderful.

Your question is specifically "should it be this hard?", but the answer depends on why you think the relationship is a lot of work. Are you expecting something from your partner that {s}he isn't willing to provide? Is your partner unfaithful? Are you dealing with abuse or addiction?

There are traps and pitfalls in a problem relationship that are not obvious; Codependancy, low self esteem, and depression are not uncommon and your 'tone of voice' seems to imply that you are experiencing one or more. If you can tell us why you think your relationship is so much work, and what you are going through, we can give you an answer that better suits your circumstances. Otherwise it's all speculation.

Good luck

 

[Lovernotkiller]

hmm

Well, I guess i am doing a lot of things for her, and trying to be able to have a plan on how we can see each other when she leaves for the air force, but I am not sure if she is 100 percent for it like I am. I am trying really hard to make her memories of me good, but I'm wondering how long they will stick with her. Maybe she thinks that the relationship is solid and is always going to be there? Maybe that's why I get the feeling she seems to be laid back every now and then? I know that I am miserable without her. Sometimes she tells me the same when i am gone. No abuse or yelling in this relationship, I hardly ever even curse in her presence. So i guess what i am wondering now is(it's a tough one) : do you think that she thinks that this relationship is solid and will always be there and thats why i sometimes get the feeling i'm working for it and she seems to be laid back at times?

 

[phoenix1224]

So i guess what i am wondering now is(it's a tough one) : do you think that she thinks that this relationship is solid and will always be there and thats why i sometimes get the feeling i'm working for it and she seems to be laid back at times?

There's no way that any of us here can really answer that question... We don't know your woman... And she's not here for us to ask her.

The ONLY way that you're going to get the answer to that question is by asking HER directly.

 

[pplwatching]

What you've written leads me to believe that you are not married, and probably pretty young. I'm 41, and there are others here who would call me young. You can get a perspective from any age here

From what little you've written so far, I can only make some guesses -- but here they are. I don't know any way to say this that doesn't seem blunt and insensitive, so you'll have to pardon me if I come off that way.

You feel that you are comitted to the relationship, but you can't figure out if she's on the same page. Some people are naturally a little bit more laid back than others, but my guess is that if your instinct is telling you to somemthing's wrong then something is wrong. Let's put aside for a moment how she feels and look at reality. Lets look at the future a bit. You don't have a plan, and both of you know it. My guess so far is that you intend to stay whereever you are geographically while she is about to live the life of the Air Force for at least 4 years. You want to find a way to maintain a long distance relationship. Someone's saying, "Relax, lets see how it goes" (I'm not sure if it's you or her). Is that a fair assessment? I'm going to assume that it is, but if I'm wrong then the next bit won't apply to you and you can ignore it.

This is not like going out of town for a couple of months, or even like going off to school. She will build a life whereever she is stationed. The Air Force is a job and she will have a life outside of her job. More importantly, even when she's done with her Air Force commitment she may decide that she likes living whereever she's stationed and will want to put down roots there. The future is hard to predict.

You need to ask yourself if you are really committed to this relationship. Women view commitment very differently than men do. Why should she deny herself the pleasure of (and need for) intimate company if there's no firm plan for the future. In other words, what's in it for her? You can't live without her but you are ignoring the fact you are asking her to keep you as a fixture in her life without actually being a permanent fixture in her life. I think that you know this and you realize that she'll make new friends. No matter how platonic those friendships are, she'll be lonely at times. It's those times that scare the hell out of you because you can't be there to make her feel wanted, desired, and complete. Four years is a long time to hold on to a long distance relationship, especially if you don't know what your life will be like after four years.

You need to be asking her (and yourself) what the 5 year plan is. Where do you expect to be in 5 years, and where does she expect to be. If the answer is "married to you" then you need to ask yourself how you are going to become a permanent fixture in her life, and build your plan from there. You don't need to be working on a plan for how to continue to see each other. 'Seeing each other' is a transient state of noncommitment. You need to be working on a plan for how you can build a stable and loving relationship together. If the answer is, "I don't know and I have no idea how you fit into the picture, but I can't live without you" then you need to sit down together and have a long heart to heart talk about how each of you feels about your relationship, and where you would like to see it go. Don't let her leave without getting that much communication out on the table.

You need to start by asking her if she wants to build a life with you. Then make a real plan and stick to it. Something like, "I will stay here for 2 years and save enough money to move to wherever you are, and then we will get married" is a plan. "Lets just try to see each other once a month and see how it goes" is not a plan. Her life is dictated by the Air Force for 4 years. You have more flexibility. You have to give to live. If you aren't willing to change your life for her then you're in for a long emotional ride.


Good luck, sorry if I'm off base.

 

[seohdwm46]

My 2 cents is this: The question isn't so much "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her?" it to me is more, "Do I want to spend te rest of my life without her?"
Ask anyone who has been married for many years and they will tell you they have had both good and bad times. That they BOTH had to work at the relationship they have. And my money is on they will all say, they can not imagine life without the partner they are with.
Is this woman someone with whom you have with you simply so you are not alone in the world? Or does she make you feel the way you do when the sun breaks through the clouds on a rainy day???
Nothing in life worth having occurs without sacrefice, commitment, devotion, and hard work.
Just an observation from an old geezer. My opinion and a coupon wouldn't get ya a cup of coffee at McDonalds

 

[Luv2PleasureF]

Nah, don't work your mind to pieces. Either you want to be happy or you don't. One of you or two of you I really don't want to get into my story, but I truly believe it, although, at times, it gets rough.

Love, hmm...
You're going to have your ups and downs. But it's even better when you're able to share all your feelings with each other. Like I always say: communication.

But your question leaves me with one:
Is someone not happy in the relationship that makes you feel this way?

An excellent question.

But what my sweetie says is, IMHO, very correct.
I think she's bordering on stealing one of my lines!

What I've always said is, "Happiness is a conscious decision."

It's no more complicated than that. It's true not only for yourself alone, but also in your interpersonal relationships. If you cannot say that you want to be happy, and decide to be happy, you won't be, unless you're being spoiled rotten, and that won't last.

Of course that's not to say that life won't bring it's ups & downs anyway. Simply deciding to be happy is not a cure-all, or a miracle "pill" that will leave you floating on Cloud Nine for the rest of your days. But it does have broader implications than simply being happy... By abiding by that decision, it can force you to scrutinize your choices, and examine the consequences of them. It may also help you accept hard decisions you might make, such as whether or not a relationship is working. It may also give you the strength to hold onto something that requires work, which true love does... Don't ever be fooled! Fairy tale love, story book happiness is possible, but it's not always a tip-toe through the tulips. Finding the right person is only half the battle, the rest of it is keeping the elements of your relationship alive that make it that great, and it can be hard work. But there is nothing more satisfying, nothing more fruitful. Truly, it is a labor of love.

 

[SweetErika]

Well, I guess i am doing a lot of things for her, and trying to be able to have a plan on how we can see each other when she leaves for the air force, but I am not sure if she is 100 percent for it like I am. I am trying really hard to make her memories of me good, but I'm wondering how long they will stick with her. Maybe she thinks that the relationship is solid and is always going to be there? Maybe that's why I get the feeling she seems to be laid back every now and then? I know that I am miserable without her. Sometimes she tells me the same when i am gone. No abuse or yelling in this relationship, I hardly ever even curse in her presence. So i guess what i am wondering now is(it's a tough one) : do you think that she thinks that this relationship is solid and will always be there and thats why i sometimes get the feeling i'm working for it and she seems to be laid back at times?

You've been given tons of great advice so far, and I agree that relationships take a lot of work by both people. In my experience, when it's right, it feels like a balance and you don't worry about putting in more effort because you just know how your partner feels and that they will reciprocate.

To be honest, it seems like your gf is preparing herself emotionally to leave. That's a healthy, normal thing for her to do. By holding on to her and the relationship tighter, you may be making it very difficult for her to do so, and inadvertently destroying what you have. Talk with her about what she envisions in the future, but you also need to think realistically and give her the space she needs, even if that's the hardest thing you've ever done. Cross bridges when you come to them, and don't short change yourselves by making grand plans for the far future (e.g. "staying and living together forever"). If the relationship is right, you'll both put in the necessary effort and make it through the time apart and all of the other challenges and rough spots. If there's one lesson I've learned from all of my relationships and other life experiences, it's that things always work out for the best; forcing/holding onto something that's wrong always leads to pain, and being open to something that's right always leads to happiness.

 

[1ohwildcat]

My 2 cents is this: The question isn't so much "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her?" it to me is more, "Do I want to spend te rest of my life without her?"
Ask anyone who has been married for many years and they will tell you they have had both good and bad times. That they BOTH had to work at the relationship they have. And my money is on they will all say, they can not imagine life without the partner they are with.
Is this woman someone with whom you have with you simply so you are not alone in the world? Or does she make you feel the way you do when the sun breaks through the clouds on a rainy day???
Nothing in life worth having occurs without sacrefice, commitment, devotion, and hard work.
Just an observation from an old geezer. My opinion and a coupon wouldn't get ya a cup of coffee at McDonalds

Wish my ex felt this way...course we weren't married but I tried so hard to make sacrificies to make the relationship work...but nothing I did was right. Maybe he wanted one of his ex-wives instead of me. I was not supposed to talk about my ex, but his took care of some of his medical things cause she worked in the field, and of course there was his kids, even tho they were adults, he still had to keep in contact with her over them. I wanted the relationship to work, but couldn't keep him happy and finally realized this...plus he had put stipulations on the relationship, or conditions...oh well...*sighs*, time to move on.

 

[seohdwm46]

Wish my ex felt this way...course we weren't married but I tried so hard to make sacrificies to make the relationship work...but nothing I did was right. Maybe he wanted one of his ex-wives instead of me. I was not supposed to talk about my ex, but his took care of some of his medical things cause she worked in the field, and of course there was his kids, even tho they were adults, he still had to keep in contact with her over them. I wanted the relationship to work, but couldn't keep him happy and finally realized this...plus he had put stipulations on the relationship, or conditions...oh well...*sighs*, time to move on.

From the sounds of things, you should be glad to be rid of the bum. Obviously you were the only one making the sacrafices and that never works. Be glad he is out of your life so that you can move on and never think of him again. He doesn't seem worth the effort. I am sure there are men out there without ex's, children, and stipulations.... so choose away and live life again. Good luck!

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I will also say it depends how young you are as well. If your under 25, I can see two possible things.

Staying together
1) You may find out 2,3,4 years down the road it wasn't meant to be and that was time wasted, when Miss Right was there all along.

2) You will have 4 years to get your life together. Get your career moving, save up, have fun and live your life for awhile until she comes back.


I talk to a guy who is in Korea right now, his girlfriend is back in the states. He is in the army there. Now I think what we forget is that, they get ALOT of time off. They don't drill them 24/7, but have a standard 8hour day. That gives you a lot of time to still talk to each other. This guy I know uses a calling system on his computer that goes through a mic he uses, cutting down costs. Just one method.

But one thing I point out. He is faithful, she is faithful. I have talked to him since he got in Korea back in April of 2004 and he comes home in May. A year away (yes not 4) but he still remained faithful, knowing he would be going home to his future wife.

You need to drop some more details here though. What you have given is a bare jist. Your age, her age, where she is going, where you are, how long you have been together. You know, something that gives us some details so a good judgement can be made.

Ravin

 

[Halo_n_horns]

Love not freely given and received is not love , but conditional surrender and payment for goods received.

An unholy alliance at best.

I'll second that!!! Though every relationship is something that requires work, there should also be a natural cohesion that the two of you feel between one another. If that isn't there then what the hell are you working on?

 

[Lovernotkiller]

hmm

Eh, we are both young getting out of highschool, except i am old for my class so i've got one more year after this one. We have been going out for only 4 months. I bet a lot of you now think this is just a highschool fling? Except if it was a high school fling, we would have dumped each other by now. We are interested in about all of the same things. We laugh we smile , we agree and disagree, we smile at each other after a brief arguement. When I hold her in my arms and look into her eyes though, there is that thing telling me it's going to last. That feeling that most people have when they are in love. She goes for training for the airforce in 3 months, and i have had that talk with her and she says she wants to stay together, which is the same way i feel. She says she could not live without me, and dislikes it when i joke about getting hit by the cars and dying when we go out for a walk. I know that i could not live a happy life out her too.

Okay I think i set the mood for the situation, now i guess my new question is : Is it possible to find the one you love so early in life? Isn't it worth waiting for her to find out?

 

[pplwatching]

Is it possible to find the one you love so early in life? Isn't it worth waiting for her to find out?

To answer your questions, yes it's possible to meet 'the one' early in life. I know several couples who have been married for 50+ years who claim they knew right away. Is it worth waiting? That's a question that only you can answer, but my opinion is that this is not the right question to be asking right now.

I think that every higschool sweethart couple has been through what you're going through. You've only been dating for 4 months and you're not even out of high school yet. When you are in high school your world is defined by your parents and your school schedule. You're just learning about how wonderful love can be. The downside that seems to be only visible from this side of the 30 year line is that you haven't had a chance to experience life, learn about the things that make you tick, and grow as a person. Couples often grow in different directions after they get out of high school. It's the natural course of things.

I think that both of you need a chance to experience the world, decide what you want to do with your lives, and take time to learn who you really are before you make the kind of commitment that you are talking about. In my not so humble opinion you should agree to see how it goes with absolutely no strings attached. That will be very hard for you at first. It may even seem impossible, but it's a good way to make sure that you both have room to grow. At first you'll think a lot about her, but you may even find that you meet another girl who you feel the same way about but who shares more of your interests. Stay in touch and see each other if you can, but both of you need to understand that this is the time when her life changes and a year from now yours will do the same. Communicate with each other about your feelings and make sure that you tell her that you love her enough to let her grow, even if it means growing apart.

I know it's hard hearing "you're young" all of the time, but it's true. You are young. Enjoy being young while you can. Enjoy dating while you can. Learn about the kinds of things that you really like in a woman. Time will tell if you guys can keep it together, but take the time now to get your life together. Decide if and where you are going to school when you graduate. Take the time to grow into the person that you will become.

I'm sure that this is no help from your side of the picture, but that's my take on it.

 

[Eilan]

Is it possible to find the one you love so early in life? Isn't it worth waiting for her to find out?

Possibly. Your mileage may vary.

I met my ex-husband when we were both 10 years old. For most of sixth grade, he was my boyfriend. Throughout junior high and high school, he was one of my best friends, but he was never my boyfriend. We didn't officially become a couple until we were sophomores in college and his college was 250 miles away from mine. We ended up getting married when we were 20, only to have it all blow up in our faces six years (and two kids) later. Similarly, my husband and his ex-wife were high-school sweethearts. They were married for about 15 years when they split up.

I'm not telling you this to discourage you. I'm the kind of person who replays every little thing in my head trying to figure out why it happened. In the six years that my ex and I were married, we grew up quite a bit. For some reason, however, we didn't grow up TOGETHER. Who we were and what we wanted out of life changed dramatically, and for some reason we weren't able to reconcile these changes. That's probably an overly simplistic explanation, but, after much self-reflection, I truly believe that it was one of the root causes.

For the most part, I don't regret marrying my ex. We got two absolutely amazing children out of the deal. But because of what ended up happening between us, we're no longer friends (though we do get along well enough because of the kids). Sometimes I miss that, because even before he was my lover, he was one of my oldest friends.

I always wanted to follow my grandparents' example: they knew each other from childhood and were married 52 years before my grandfather died.

I realize that this is a long-winded response that says essentially nothing, but I don't know that we can tell you what the future's going to hold for you. If you think that your relationship's worth pursuing and working for despite the obstacles you'll both be facing, then by all means go for it. It's certainly better than not doing anything and regretting it for the rest of your life.

Good luck to you.

 

[SweetErika]

Eh, we are both young getting out of highschool, except i am old for my class so i've got one more year after this one. We have been going out for only 4 months. I bet a lot of you now think this is just a highschool fling? Except if it was a high school fling, we would have dumped each other by now. We are interested in about all of the same things. We laugh we smile , we agree and disagree, we smile at each other after a brief arguement. When I hold her in my arms and look into her eyes though, there is that thing telling me it's going to last. That feeling that most people have when they are in love. She goes for training for the airforce in 3 months, and i have had that talk with her and she says she wants to stay together, which is the same way i feel. She says she could not live without me, and dislikes it when i joke about getting hit by the cars and dying when we go out for a walk. I know that i could not live a happy life out her too.

Okay I think i set the mood for the situation, now i guess my new question is : Is it possible to find the one you love so early in life? Isn't it worth waiting for her to find out?

I don't think age invalidates your feelings, but there's certainly something to be said for having some life experience before you make huge decisions and plans.

I've said this before, but I think "the one" is a concept that sets you up for a lot of pain, so I choose to believe there are many people who are right for me out there. I absolutely believe you can find love early in life, but you have to be flexible and take it slow. My husband and I started dating a few days shy of my 18th birthday, but we both had several years of experience at that point. After a year, we both studied abroad, and agreed to stay together but be open to seeing other people during the absence. That was incredibly difficult, but it served to prove our love and reinforce our decision to stay together. Then we lived together for a couple of years (which also proved to be extremely valuable), got engaged, and married two years ago. In all of this time, we've faced horrific and incredible things together, and everything has simply strengthened our relationship.

So my point is that despite dating when we were so young, we both feel like getting married was the right decision because we've had the time and experience to learn and grow separately and as a couple. Yes, it was worth waiting, but it wouldn't have been had we not given eachother and the relationship the time and space to evolve and make the best decision based on our feelings and track record.