Love or WTF???

[CharleyH]

Went out tonight. Despite me on Lit, I am . . . charming, and had a "I am in love with you, though I know you love women" thing tonight. I was shocked. I have known this guy for 5 years. My response was "Well lets go out for dinner or a movie when not drinking" It was defer. HOW DO YOU defer such things?

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Went out tonight. Despite me on Lit, I am . . . charming, and had a "I am in love with you, though I know you love women" thing tonight. I was shocked. I have known this guy for 5 years. My response was "Well lets go out for dinner or a movie when not drinking" It was defer. HOW DO YOU defer such things?

Is he wealthy?

~lucky

p.s. Yeah, I know it sucks. I'm tired and not feeling well... Cut me some slack.

 

[rgraham666]

Wash your hair, mother's sick, I'm out of town for the rest of my life. The old standbys always work the best.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Wash your hair, mother's sick, I'm out of town for the rest of my life. The old standbys always work the best.

Ouch!

It gets sticky with long-time friends, though, Rob. Seems that after 5 years there's gotta be some substance to the friendship, so careful measures are probably in order to salvage that. I wish I knew exactly what those measures were, but I'd have to know more than I do now.

~lucky

 

[rgraham666]

Maybe he felt he was trying to clear the air, make sure she knew where he stood.

I'm not sure this was wise of him. It sounds as if he knew how unlikely it was his feelings would be reciprocated. Making his feelings known is not going to change things and may make it more difficult to remain friends.

I've done similar things in the past. In all cases, we're not friends anymore.

 

[CharleyH]

Is he wealthy?

~lucky

p.s. Yeah, I know it sucks. I'm tired and not feeling well... Cut me some slack.

Dated a guy that had a private plane once, but nice guy, not interested. My Mothers response was "Can't you just put a paper bag over his head?" I know what I will do, but interested in others thoughts. Yes, he is . . . wealthy.

 

[BlackShanglan]

*nods* Sometimes people just can't turn the sexual desire off enough to be friends alone. That could be what he's saying.

I think in such cases it is best to be clear. It's tempting to be "gentle," but if "gentle" means "leaving that person some hope when there really is none," it's not a great idea and tends to make things worse. If you're positive that the feeling will never be reciprocated, spell that out as tactfully but unambiguously as possible. Then step back for a week or two, let him absorb, and see how he's taken it.

Shanglan

 

[minsue]

I have found over the past few months that this one works wonders: I'm in the middle of getting divorced after coming out of the closet.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I have found over the past few months that this one works wonders: I'm in the middle of getting divorced after coming out of the closet.

My God ... it's the Holy Grail of turn-downs!



Still wouldn't work on me. Not with a gosling.




(Edited to add: But have you considered, "Sorry, I'm a gender-confused horse"?)

 

[SeaCat]

I echo what Shang said. One thing, if he can't handle the "I like you as a friend, but I'm not interested in anything else with you" routine, then he's just not really a friend. Harsh but it's true.

Cat

 

[rikaaim]

*nods* Sometimes people just can't turn the sexual desire off enough to be friends alone. That could be what he's saying.

I think in such cases it is best to be clear. It's tempting to be "gentle," but if "gentle" means "leaving that person some hope when there really is none," it's not a great idea and tends to make things worse. If you're positive that the feeling will never be reciprocated, spell that out as tactfully but unambiguously as possible. Then step back for a week or two, let him absorb, and see how he's taken it.

Shanglan

I agree one hundred percent. It's tough for someone to be friends for so long and feel attracted, but know it could never be. This may even be a step for him to release this inner torment enough to accept being friends. From what you stated he already knows nothing intimate could ever happen.

Remind him that in the end it is better to have a friend that will support you thick or thin, be that steady, rockfast shoulder to cry on, and a source of boundless joy over a simple animalistic fulfillment. We are human. We have emotions that overpower the physcial need ultimately. Once that physcial need is met, or even the curiosity in our minds about it, what is it that we keep? Ourselves. Ultimately we as people do not change. We either grow closer to someone, further away, or indifferent, meaning nothing changes at all. That's the nature of relationships and sex. All in my own understanding, which I admit is feeble at best. Be the friend first and foremost. He'll need more of those in life significantly more than random lovers.

 

[minsue]

My God ... it's the Holy Grail of turn-downs!



Still wouldn't work on me. Not with a gosling.

Charming horsey

(Edited to add: But have you considered, "Sorry, I'm a gender-confused horse"?)

Not yet, but I'll try it if the first is ever not enough.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I echo what Shang said. One thing, if he can't handle the "I like you as a friend, but I'm not interested in anything else with you" routine, then he's just not really a friend. Harsh but it's true.

Cat

Hmmm. I wonder. Unrequited lust is relatively easy to get over; actual unrequited love can be much more painful, especially when it has deep foundations created through friendship. If he needs some time away from you to get his head together, I'd say don't judge him too harshly. While it's something of a cliche in the romance business, it is possible that it's painful seeing what cannot be. He may need to get over that slowly.

 

[CharleyH]

*nods* Sometimes people just can't turn the sexual desire off enough to be friends alone. That could be what he's saying.

I think in such cases it is best to be clear. It's tempting to be "gentle," but if "gentle" means "leaving that person some hope when there really is none," it's not a great idea and tends to make things worse. If you're positive that the feeling will never be reciprocated, spell that out as tactfully but unambiguously as possible. Then step back for a week or two, let him absorb, and see how he's taken it.

Shanglan

I ill be open, honest, but the Exorcist just started on DVD, seems apropos . Thank you. I get what you are saying. I did spell it out and what I like and don't, to which he was more than happy to accomodate. He is a friend, otherwise I would say go fuck yourself. He's a good guy, and I work on projects with him sometimes. I would rather, I dont know what to say, I did try the I like women thing.

Ok, now the Excorsist. Night all, for now, answer!!!

 

[rikaaim]

Hmmm. I wonder. Unrequited lust is relatively easy to get over; actual unrequited love can be much more painful, especially when it has deep foundations created through friendship. If he needs some time away from you to get his head together, I'd say don't judge him too harshly. While it's something of a cliche in the romance business, it is possible that it's painful seeing what cannot be. He may need to get over that slowly.

Again, I agree. Grieving is grieving, even if it's a dying dream or hope. A future never manifesting is as sad to loose as a loved one can be sometimes. Perhaps not to that extent, I must retract a bit there. My point still stands though. What can not be is a loss. Anything lost needs time to be grieved over to properly move on.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

It sounds like he was just trying to be honest. Sounds like he knew that you were into women, but didn't want to lie to you about how he was also feeling about you.

If that's so, give him a nice talking to. Tell him that you're gay and that's not going to change just because he wants you to. Tell him you're happy still being his friend if he is interested in being that and understands it will never be more than that.

 

[Guest]

seems like i handle all things with humor because its the only tool i really know.
"im honored. thank you. .. but i dont think i can get over the fact that you sport a penis. now, lets get back to being friends so i dont have to kill you."
certainly not the best tact but...its me way.
totally ignore this post. it holds no merit whatso ever...
makes me wonder...
"what would joe say?"

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

seems like i handle all things with humor because its the only tool i really know.
"im honored. thank you. .. but i dont think i can get over the fact that you sport a penis. now, lets get back to being friends so i dont have to kill you."
certainly not the best tact but...its me way.
totally ignore this post. it holds no merit whatso ever...
makes me wonder...
"what would joe say?"

Yeah, that one works too, and here I was wasting time with the gentle advice.

 

[elsol]

Hmm... how to be diplomatic about this.

As a male who has predominantly female friends, please put both barrels into his chest.

This is HIS baggage; why is he asking you to carry some of it?

Maybe if more men got cut open when they pulled this shit on women, they would learn to keep it to themselves.

And yes... it's selfish on my part because I've had the 'What do I do... he told me he loved me but..." discussion with each and every female friend.

Preferably use the lines 'I don't think of you that way'... 'You're sweet like the older brother I never had'... or my favorite 'I have a friend who thinks your attractive."

Wow... the flu makes me irritable... who knew.


Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[CharleyH]

It's more a curiosity how others handle things. When younger, much, much younger, I dealt with these sorts of things through avoidance, IE, a gentle weaning of purposeful growing apart.

Now older, much, much older I deal with them differently. Still, when it comes to the heart, it is never easy. In fact, I would suggest it is one of the more difficult things.

Thank you all, particularly Vella - LOL - if it comes to it, I will use this line! LOL

"im honored. thank you. .. but i dont think i can get over the fact that you sport a penis. now, lets get back to being friends so i dont have to kill you."

 

[impressive]

Went out tonight. Despite me on Lit, I am . . . charming, and had a "I am in love with you, though I know you love women" thing tonight. I was shocked. I have known this guy for 5 years. My response was "Well lets go out for dinner or a movie when not drinking" It was defer. HOW DO YOU defer such things?

If you care for this guy in any way -- I don't mean returning his love, I just mean not wanting to see him hurt -- then tread very cautiously. Falling in love with a friend is hard -- and telling them about it is even harder because there is so much at stake.

He really stuck his neck out to reveal his feelings. Only he can extract it from the guillotine, but only you can pull the lever.

Good luck -- to both of you.

 

[rgraham666]

Preferably use the lines 'I don't think of you that way'... 'You're sweet like the older brother I never had'... or my favorite 'I have a friend who thinks your attractive."

Sincerely,
ElSol

Don't use these lines. I've heard them my entire life from women. You have no idea how old they can get or how much they hurt.

Speaking for myself, I can handle friendship, or even complete lack of attractiveness. But saying those lines is a major blow to my feelings. It's saying 'You're almost good enough, but not really. Nice try.'

Man. Those lines have really bought up a lot of anger and pain.

 

[Kate.E]

Maybe he twigged that you are insane, Charley.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Maybe he twigged that you are insane, Charley.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!


Um....yeah.

C, what would you tell me to do??? then do it.

 

[Kate.E]

Just a thought