Love or Sex?

[Blackpearlz]

I am willing to admit that I have been a real wus when it comes to being COMPLETELY honest about how I feel. It's especially difficult when you truly love someone, but you 1) don't want to hurt their feelings, 2) are afraid of stepping out of the comfort zone by risking change and/or 3) are used to giving more than you've received. I think i'm experiencing the results of all three emotions/thoughts/actions.

The man I love is not the best lover I've ever had. We've known each other for a while (about 2 yrs) but we STILL can't seem to get the lovemaking right. I feel so terrible because i've mentioned my feelings before, and yet not much has changed. I'm extremely confident in my skills and am completely open to new things in the bedroom. He's more reserved, and there's also an issue of....timing. It's too fast for me, so i usually don't climax. It's so bad, i'm at the point where i simply EXPECT to NOT climax when we make love. I ALWAYS expect him to come first. It's typically over in less than five minutes, and I'm not exaggerating. I've explained gently, complained, argued, and even threatened walking out because it's so frustrating. I bought books and magazines for myself, i even slipped him a book or too. I tried advising him, I tried NOT advising him. I know he truly loves me. He's my best friend, confidant, incredibly loyal, sweet, etc. but still -- It really weighs on my feelings because I wonder if he even CARES about that part of me, especially after I've expressed my true feelings so many times. How long can you beat an issue before it simply dies?

I guess it's an internal battle. You have to decide what you can live with and what you will choose to leave aside. I know that one day --since he and I are not married-- i will have to decide if i can live with this situation for life. right now, because i'm so busy with work and activities and such, i don't think about it as much as before. Lately we only sleep together on weekends, and sometimes not even then. It's always in the same place (my bed or couch - he lives with his Mom right now - he just finished school). If our relationship doesn't work out because of the sex, well...i guess, sadly, it will simply be over. So many times I found good sex and bad love, i suppose it's only bitter justice I find good love and bad sex. If anyone happens to have any advice on my situation, by chance, gladly appreciated.

some days I'm okay, because of the sincerity of the love. other days, i'm standing at the edge of a windswept cliff, no bungee cord, almost ready to jump.

 

[Weird Harold]

I think you need to try to put the "love" aside and assess the situation as dispassionately as possible.

I see a little of my younger self in your BF. I've never been good at reading other's feelings and needs. Consequently, I'm twice divorced and unlikely to make it three times.

If you decide that the non-sexual side of things is worth the effort, consider that "marriage councelors(sp)" aren't just for married people. Before you take the big step of marriage, try to get him to go to a MC with you.

If he won't admit there's a problem in the bedroom, then he's too selfish to marry, no matter how nice and thoghtful he is elsewhere.

 

[Blackpearlz]

Thank you Weird Harold. I hadn't really seriously considered counseling. I also hadn't considered the worst--he's definitely a nice guy, but that doesn't mean he's the one for me. (sigh) i guess i've found my comfort zone. my warm spot on the couch, and i'm finding it very hard to get up.

 

[libra-2]

Someone big and clever once said "Things will not get better until you change and you will only change when the fear of staying the same gets greater than the fear of change."

There are a couple of things you need to change by the sound of it.

He might be your best friend, confidant....etc but he isn't being that good if he isn't listening to what you want and acting on your advice/request. He sounds immature and is probably too embarrassed to take time and really get physically intimate with you. As a start you could try acting a bit slutty for him, give him a blowjob or masturbate him to make him come then pet for half an hour or so and start making love. He will take longer to come this time.

There is a lot of truth in the saying "men want a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom", they do, but most can't handle their own feelings when they get her.

A man has great respect for the woman he loves and it is hard to treat her like a whore, the initial lust changes to love and you won't get it back unless you educate him.

It sounds as though he is younger than you and may be letting you take the lead in everything because of it.

Lastly, you say you're a real wuss about being completely honest about how you feel. Have you really told him exactly and specifically what you want and how he is not living up to expectations? He will need to have it spelled out for him. Most men do, I'm a man and I still do sometimes. Don't say "Oh never mind, it's alright" say "Get down there and make me come with your tongue"

 

[Blackpearlz]

Wow, thank you. That's exactly what i tried to do in conversation with him last night. he said he wants me to tell him exactly how i feel - essentially after it's over. So I told him what I wanted: Go down on me. Try to make me cum first sometimes (shoot, all the time!). It's hard because ego gets in the way. But he made it clear he wants to know, so NEXT time we lay down together, I WILL tell him. I'll post again about it soon, i'm sure. i appreciate the response.

 

[TigerClaw]

.....