love it or hate it and why?

[Domwoolf]

Today the third chapter of my story was released. 1st chapter 5 comments 20k readers comments mostly "next chapter please'. 2nd chapter 3 comments mostly suggestions as to where the story should go. 3rd chapter 3 comments mostly oh yuck, sick, what the h@ll? While I love the comments and the fact that my readers were impacted enough to comment, I never the less wish they would expound on the whys and whats of either their likes or dislikes. It's hard to see where things have gone either right or wrong when the comments are soo in the general i love / i hate it category.

jenny suggested I post it here with links to my chapters and let the wolves howl. Thanks for the link info here they are. DomWoolf

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=339208 chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=340143 chapter 2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=340389 chapter 3
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=341175 chapters 4 & 5

 

[mjl2010]

I hate to whine or be lazy, but there's no link, so no read, no comment, no nothing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

From the AH

Try posting links to your chapters over in the Story Feedback Forum. We will eat you ....I mean look at your story chapters there and tell you what we think.

Bold added for emphathis. We are pretty lazy here.

 

[mjl2010]

From the AH


Bold added for emphathis. We are pretty lazy here.

Nice job on the latest Harry Jenny.

MJL

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Nice job on the latest Harry Jenny.

MJL

Thanks, MJL. I think our "friend" has a new alt - "Annonomyous"

 

[mjl2010]

Thanks, MJL. I think our "friend" has a new alt - "Annonomyous"

You're very welcome. Any more alts for our friend and he'll corner the market.

 

[mjl2010]

jenny suggested I post it here with links to my chapters and let the wolves howl. Now if I knew how to link I'd be set.... anyway the story is Billion Dollar Slaves chapters 1-3.

DomWoolf

Open your story. In the browser address bar where it say h t t p : / /, click once and then press Ctrl-A and Ctrl-C so the entire address gets copied. Then come back here, open a thread or a post and write something like,

"Here's my story, please read it and comment. Votes are nice too. Thanks in advance."

Now, just above this window is a little earth symbol with a chain link in it. Click that. Type the title of your story in the window and click OK. Another window will open, this time, just press Ctrl-V to paste the address in and click OK. Voila. You got yourself a link on the post.

Now. Be a good writer and get that done. Edit your first post and put that in and we'll all be happy to comment.

MJL

 

[Domwoolf]

added links

Open your story. In the browser address bar where it say h t t p : / /, click once and then press Ctrl-A and Ctrl-C so the entire address gets copied. Then come back here, open a thread or a post and write something like,

"Here's my story, please read it and comment. Votes are nice too. Thanks in advance."

Now, just above this window is a little earth symbol with a chain link in it. Click that. Type the title of your story in the window and click OK. Another window will open, this time, just press Ctrl-V to paste the address in and click OK. Voila. You got yourself a link on the post.

Now. Be a good writer and get that done. Edit your first post and put that in and we'll all be happy to comment.

MJL

Ok added the links to my first post, still don't get the earth symbol but "Here's my story, please read it and comment. Votes are nice too. Thanks in advance." and thanks MJL for helping the computer illiterate.
DomWoolf

 

[mjl2010]

Ok added the links to my first post, still don't get the earth symbol but "Here's my story, please read it and comment. Votes are nice too. Thanks in advance." and thanks MJL for helping the computer illiterate.
DomWoolf

The way you did it works as well. What I was referring to with the earth symbol is in this editor that you use when you write or edit a post. On the line with Bold, Italic, Underline, just above this white space, you'll see a tiny square icon with a mountain in it. Immediately right of that is another icon, the earth with a chain link on the bottom. That's the icon I was referring to.

I read your story but I don't have time to comment right now. I'll come back sometime over the weekend and put in my dollars worth.

MJL

 

[mjl2010]

Chapter one is a good introduction to the story, blackmailed non-consent. There are some grammar problems. Sentences too long, missing punctuation, etc. This chapter moves along quickly. Almost too quickly but not quite. I felt the two women agreed a bit too quickly. I can think of a couple of other options for them, at least one of which I'm sure they'd have thought of.

Chapter two continues the story. It continues to be in the non-consent genre. I still see some grammar problems, nothing so jarring your average stroker would back click.

Chapter three. First of all, I don't think you can take this story into the BDSM category. These women are blackmailed into doing as he says, there is nothing consensual to it. Essentially, everything they do at his command amounts to them being raped. Perhaps they could choose prison, but they've just brainlessly allowed him to take over their lives by blackmailing them.

This chapter descends into torturous body modification. Donna and Lisa are forced into tongue, nose, nipple, multiple labia and clitoral piercings designed not for pleasure or artful expression, but simply to cause them pain. Again, this is not BDSM or D/s, but non-consent or even fetish torture. While I'm curious as to what "surgery" the "Doc" will perform on them, I'm unlikely to read any more.

Overall, this story shows no regard for the feelings of the women enslaved by this sadistic ex-cop. He has no plan except to torture them and take pleasure in their pain and suffering and so far, shows no inclination to allow them any pleasure at all. The story line becomes disturbing in the third chapter.

The only character with any sense of "character" is the ex-cop and I find his character reprehensible. The mother purportedly submits to protect the daughter, but it's clear the daughter would have been better off in prison. Both women go almost mindlessly along until the end of the second chapter when their "shock collars" are placed on them. After that they become even more mindless. You have created two silicone dolls that feel the pain their master inflicts on them and exist only for that reason.

The same grammar errors that occurred in the first two chapters persist in the third. While they are not so significant that they make reading the story difficult, they do detract. If you write more stories, you need an editor.

While there is a small amount of meaningless dialog, there isn't enough to put life into the characters. This is basically a narration. The story gives the impression that two women can be mindlessly induced to give themselves over to a life of torture and humiliation. While I suppose in the literal sense this might be possible, I personally found nothing erotic about the story and I do enjoy reading good D/s or BDSM stories. Even an occasional non-consent/reluctance story is good if it's written in the right vein.

The brutal finish.

I didn't vote. Had I voted I would have given chapters one and two each a three. Chapter three would have received a two. I found little or nothing that separated this story from the numerous kidnap or blackmailed non-consent or BDSM stories where the "male Dominant" (and I use that loosely) takes a woman against her will, beats her, uses her and tortures her until she submits to him and they live happily ever after.

MJL

 

[Domwoolf]

thanks for the feedback

First off thanks for the feedback. The entire story runs to thirty some chapters. In chapters 4 and 5, I get more into the motivations and lives of Donna and Lisa to flesh them out so to speak. The reader learns that both were raised into slavery by Donna's father and that breaking away from him was the only time they have asserted themselves. That being their background they naturally fall back into a submissive state when Rick asserts his dominence. I also begin showing the women growing into their lives as slaves. I should have done more of the background earlier in the book.

I will look into finding an editor for the remaining parts of the story.

Thanks again for the feedback.
DomWoolf

 

[Domwoolf]

posted a link to the new chapters 4 & 5

I posted a link to the newest chapters. Hopefully this adds more background and depth to the women. It took awhile to get these approved as the life story of Donna has some pedophilia which explained how she became what she is. It had to be rewritten to fall within the guidelines of this site.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I read all the chapters and will try to give a more detailed comment tomorrow. For now just let me say that I agree completely with mjl.

I'm not squeamish and I like the fetish and BDSM categories, but this doesn't fit in either. The whole concept of a story is that there is tension and development between the characters, and that just doesn't happen here. The women have no personalities and there is no explanation of why Rick suddenly becomes a pathological sadist.

Hurting and mutilating people - women or men - is not erotic, especially when emotions and feelings are not explored. Your latest chapters do not really help. There is no light and shade, everything remains hopelessly on the edge of the abyss.

In brief, there is not a single character to empathize with. Give me a hero or heroine. Give me some reason to care.

 

[mjl2010]

Hurting and mutilating people - women or men - is not erotic, especially when emotions and feelings are not explored. Your latest chapters do not really help. There is no light and shade, everything remains hopelessly on the edge of the abyss.

In brief, there is not a single character to empathize with. Give me a hero or heroine. Give me some reason to care.

Well I said I wasn't going to read anymore. But like a driver in a car passing a train wreck, I had to look despite what I knew I'd find.

Elfin is right. There are no characters to empathize with. There's no hero or heroine. There's no reason to care.

The same grammatical flaws continue as well.

MJL

 

[Ibeabuchi]

i must be agree for this post. and this is Excellent post. and article is so meaning full. i like this post.. Thanks a lot for sharing.Keep sharing.