Hello, all - haven't been on the Lit boards for awhile, but I kind of needed to vent and sometimes the best shoulder to cry on is that of total strangers.
I have had a friend, Tina, for over 8 years now and from "Day One" I have been madly in love with her. Her spark, enthusiasm... just everything about her. I know for a fact that what I felt was true love, crushes come and go (I've had my fair share), but especially after I got to know her, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman.
I never told her how I felt and was promptly notched into the "friends" category. At the time, this was fine by me - I got to spend a lot of time with her and really, that was all that mattered to me. In the following 8 years, we became best friends.
A few years ago, perhaps through maturity, perhaps through clarity of reality, I realized that she would never want to be anything more than friends and that if I really loved her... I would have to stop loving her. This was the most painful realization I have ever had; many nights were cried away only to put on a fresh smile in the morning when I saw her. Eventually, it worked and I truly thought of her only as a friend - it came upon me one day that if she were to suddenly make an advance toward me that it would seem... ackward.
I have watched her have boyfriends, one fiance, and have seen her break up with all of them. I was there when she moved across town, and I was there when her mother died. I remember she told me that I was the only constant in her life that made her happy.
Even though we were truly only friends, I still felt a twinge of jealosy and frustration when I saw her with her boyfriends. I have heard people say that once you love someone and for various reasons things don't work out, a little piece of that love never goes away. This is how it seemed to me; like a shadow stalking me, reminding me that I would never be able to hold her like HE is holding her - a guy she has known for only a week.
Nevertheless, I never told her how I felt. Until tonight. We were bowling and we ran into her boyfriend of 2 weeks and he hung out with us for a while. As I watched them cuddle together, this time, I didn't feel frustration - for the first time, I felt rage. I shut my mouth, gritted my teeth, and eventually went home. She knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. About an hour after, she called me and insisted that I tell her what I was feeling. I thought about it long and hard and realizing that the rage I earlier felt had scared me, I knew that I needed to release.
I told her everything that I had typed above. After some silence, she told me, "I never want you to mention this again. I don't want to be walking on eggshells while you are around - I'm comfortable around you and I don't want that to change". Ashamed and saddened, I quickly conceded and ended the call.
For the first time in my life I am feeling extremely lonely and scared. I am mortified that I will forever be lonely. I am scared to ever tell another woman how I feel about her. Past instances of such truth were met with horror: a "crush" letter that I once wrote was met with laughter then read aloud to my peers to be met with resounding group laughter, and other instances fared little better.
I just want someone to hold; to connect with; to love and be loved.
Perhaps I should just be patient; to "hang in there", after all, time heals all wounds, but noone accounts for the scars.
Well, this is getting really long and I think I've started to ramble, so I'll end it here. Thanks for lending an ear.
I have had a friend, Tina, for over 8 years now and from "Day One" I have been madly in love with her. Her spark, enthusiasm... just everything about her. I know for a fact that what I felt was true love, crushes come and go (I've had my fair share), but especially after I got to know her, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman.
I never told her how I felt and was promptly notched into the "friends" category. At the time, this was fine by me - I got to spend a lot of time with her and really, that was all that mattered to me. In the following 8 years, we became best friends.
A few years ago, perhaps through maturity, perhaps through clarity of reality, I realized that she would never want to be anything more than friends and that if I really loved her... I would have to stop loving her. This was the most painful realization I have ever had; many nights were cried away only to put on a fresh smile in the morning when I saw her. Eventually, it worked and I truly thought of her only as a friend - it came upon me one day that if she were to suddenly make an advance toward me that it would seem... ackward.
I have watched her have boyfriends, one fiance, and have seen her break up with all of them. I was there when she moved across town, and I was there when her mother died. I remember she told me that I was the only constant in her life that made her happy.
Even though we were truly only friends, I still felt a twinge of jealosy and frustration when I saw her with her boyfriends. I have heard people say that once you love someone and for various reasons things don't work out, a little piece of that love never goes away. This is how it seemed to me; like a shadow stalking me, reminding me that I would never be able to hold her like HE is holding her - a guy she has known for only a week.
Nevertheless, I never told her how I felt. Until tonight. We were bowling and we ran into her boyfriend of 2 weeks and he hung out with us for a while. As I watched them cuddle together, this time, I didn't feel frustration - for the first time, I felt rage. I shut my mouth, gritted my teeth, and eventually went home. She knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. About an hour after, she called me and insisted that I tell her what I was feeling. I thought about it long and hard and realizing that the rage I earlier felt had scared me, I knew that I needed to release.
I told her everything that I had typed above. After some silence, she told me, "I never want you to mention this again. I don't want to be walking on eggshells while you are around - I'm comfortable around you and I don't want that to change". Ashamed and saddened, I quickly conceded and ended the call.
For the first time in my life I am feeling extremely lonely and scared. I am mortified that I will forever be lonely. I am scared to ever tell another woman how I feel about her. Past instances of such truth were met with horror: a "crush" letter that I once wrote was met with laughter then read aloud to my peers to be met with resounding group laughter, and other instances fared little better.
I just want someone to hold; to connect with; to love and be loved.
Perhaps I should just be patient; to "hang in there", after all, time heals all wounds, but noone accounts for the scars.
Well, this is getting really long and I think I've started to ramble, so I'll end it here. Thanks for lending an ear.
