Love? Expectations

[Hrairoo]

So, how do you know when you romantically love someone?

I find myself often caught in the trap of really enjoying someone's company, having great chemistry with them, and jumping into "let's date! I want you to stay in my life!" but then feeling as if I have to pretend/force sexual attraction to them, or they lack drive/ambition in their lives, or they're emotionally immature in certain ways. So, I don't feel challenged by them, I don't respect them intellectually, and I'm even annoyed by them in some cases. Not like enough to completely repel me. I still enjoy spending time with them and connecting creatively and having fun with them. Like, great friend material. But I'm not attracted to them emotionally or physically.

This happens to me a lot to the point where I'm not sure I have ever really felt that attraction for anyone. I'm trying to change some shit about myself, working through that people pleasing impulse. But I still wonder about this. Like, reasoning it out, of course, I deserve to feel passionate for someone. I just worry that my expectations for what I should be feeling are possibly too high? That maybe I have a rose-coloured impression of what love is supposed to feel like.

So, how do you know when it's really romantic love and attraction and you're not settling for people who might simply make better friends?

 

[Escierto]

How do you know? OMG. When you are thinking about them constantly and you would do anything just to be in their presence. When you see their face, it’s like the only thing that you ever want to see.

You just live for that moment when you see them and then sex is just the icing on the cake - the sublime moment when you are united with them - you never want it to end. You just want it forever.

If it’s true love these feelings don’t go away with time. They just deepen and you want to take care of your love and be with them until the end of time.

 

[Hrairoo]

How do you know? OMG. When you are thinking about them constantly and you would do anything just to be in their presence. When you see their face, it’s like the only thing that you ever want to see.

You just live for that moment when you see them and then sex is just the icing on the cake - the sublime moment when you are united with them - you never want it to end. You just want it forever.

If it’s true love these feelings don’t go away with time. They just deepen and you want to take care of your love and be with them until the end of time.

Yeah, I've never had that. I've had an initial excitement and desire to talk to and be with a person, that infatuation at the very start that makes your heart beat and you get caught up in thoughts of them all the time and I have mistaken this for love. But it usually does dwindle for one reason or a lot of little reasons to become something more like a fondness, affection, similar to what you might feel for a family member in tone and intensity. You know, you tolerate minor annoyances and things you dislike about their personality from friends and family because 80-90% of the time, you enjoy the time you spend with them. But it's not passionate "I adore you and want to kiss you."

I should be able to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and occasionally get frustrated with them or annoyed by them without entirely losing romantic feelings for them. Like romance shouldn't entail an utterly, wholly subversion of the self to the other person/the relationship. But I'm having trouble defining the line.

 

[Escierto]

Yeah, I've never had that. I've had an initial excitement and desire to talk to and be with a person, that infatuation at the very start that makes your heart beat and you get caught up in thoughts of them all the time and I have mistaken this for love. But it usually does dwindle for one reason or a lot of little reasons to become something more like a fondness, affection, similar to what you might feel for a family member in tone and intensity. You know, you tolerate minor annoyances and things you dislike about their personality from friends and family because 80-90% of the time, you enjoy the time you spend with them. But it's not passionate "I adore you and want to kiss you."

I should be able to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and occasionally get frustrated with them or annoyed by them without entirely losing romantic feelings for them. Like romance shouldn't entail an utterly, wholly subversion of the self to the other person/the relationship. But I'm having trouble defining the line.

Your last paragraph. Yes. Even when I am fighting with my girlfriend she’s still the only person I want to be with 24 x 7.

A subversion of the self to the other person? No, that’s not good, you’re right. A good relationship makes you more yourself. It makes you the best version of yourself. In a good love each person is better than they were before but still true to themselves.

 

[stickygirl]

You could do worse than read up how other people experience exactly the things you describe. Try searching aromantic / asexual / greyaromantic on Reddit. It's a bit of a visual assault given the way the content is presented but you may find some answers. You may even find an overlap with the autistic spectrum who sometimes channel emotions differently. It sounds like you're comparing your feelings to how mainstream people report them and that's not how it works. Do some reading and you may find you can set that puzzle to rest.

 

[rockcasbah]

Just listen to your genitals.

 

[Hrairoo]

You could do worse than read up how other people experience exactly the things you describe. Try searching aromantic / asexual / greyaromantic on Reddit. It's a bit of a visual assault given the way the content is presented but you may find some answers. You may even find an overlap with the autistic spectrum who sometimes channel emotions differently. It sounds like you're comparing your feelings to how mainstream people report them and that's not how it works. Do some reading and you may find you can set that puzzle to rest.

Possibly...but I don't think so.

I'm doing research on this right now but so far, it does not match up to my experience. Because I DO experience romantic attraction and a desire to be with others romantically. But after an initial burst of infatuation that can last anywhere from a week to a couple months, my attraction fades. Usually as a result of the person revealing themselves in some way, either as emotionally immature, or they lack drive in their lives, or they have an annoying habit that lessens my desire for them. The only thing I can equate it to is a lessening of respect or feeling like we're not on the same level. I respect them as a human being and as a friend but I'm no longer engaged with the intensity of emotions that I would expect.

I doubt I'm aromantic because I do desire to have companionship at this level where I am sexually and emotionally engaged. If I were aromantic, wouldn't that desire be missing? In my research on this topic so far, the descriptions of aromantic almost make it seem like aromantic people actually, genuinely, "don't get it." Like they don't understand why someone would want to be married. They don't understand or connect the dots on why somebody would want to be more than friends or more than just sexual partners. I do understand these desires and have them.

 

[Escierto]

I think what you describe in your first paragraph is normal. We might have an initial attraction to someone but then something happens that just kills it. Like you describe learning about them on a deeper level reveals something about them that diminishes your desire for them. This happens all the time. I wouldn’t worry about it.

 

[Escierto]

The other thing I was thinking is you may have high standards for a partner. That’s not necessarily a bad thing - a lot of people seem to settle for whoever comes along and as a result, they get mired in relationships that are unsatisfying. It could be a bad thing if you get so picky that no one could possibly measure up especially about trivial things. Nevertheless I think it’s good to hold out for someone who does meet your standards - someone that you can respect as well as love.

 

[Hrairoo]

The other thing I was thinking is you may have high standards for a partner. That’s not necessarily a bad thing - a lot of people seem to settle for whoever comes along and as a result, they get mired in relationships that are unsatisfying. It could be a bad thing if you get so picky that no one could possibly measure up especially about trivial things. Nevertheless I think it’s good to hold out for someone who does meet your standards - someone that you can respect as well as love.

Yes. This is mainly what I was asking with this thread. Basically wondering what other people feel in regards to romantic relationships and connections to see if there is a middle ground I can feel comfortable at, expectation-wise.

And also, considering where we are, I did expect a bit of snark.

 

[stickygirl]

Possibly...but I don't think so.

I'm doing research on this right now but so far, it does not match up to my experience. Because I DO experience romantic attraction and a desire to be with others romantically. But after an initial burst of infatuation that can last anywhere from a week to a couple months, my attraction fades. Usually as a result of the person revealing themselves in some way, either as emotionally immature, or they lack drive in their lives, or they have an annoying habit that lessens my desire for them. The only thing I can equate it to is a lessening of respect or feeling like we're not on the same level. I respect them as a human being and as a friend but I'm no longer engaged with the intensity of emotions that I would expect.

I doubt I'm aromantic because I do desire to have companionship at this level where I am sexually and emotionally engaged. If I were aromantic, wouldn't that desire be missing? In my research on this topic so far, the descriptions of aromantic almost make it seem like aromantic people actually, genuinely, "don't get it." Like they don't understand why someone would want to be married. They don't understand or connect the dots on why somebody would want to be more than friends or more than just sexual partners. I do understand these desires and have them.

You describe how you judge people and reject them when they don't match your expectations. So what are your expectations and why are you inflexible? I'm not saying that's wrong, but it's just a line of thought that might lead you to discover some answers. You mention emotional immaturity but maybe a look in the mirror would be useful because your reactions sound out of whack in a neurotypical sense. Good luck - I'm sure the truth is out there, but Miss/Mr Perfect simply doesn't exist.

 

[Erosfan]

How do you know? OMG. When you are thinking about them constantly and you would do anything just to be in their presence. When you see their face, it’s like the only thing that you ever want to see.

You just live for that moment when you see them and then sex is just the icing on the cake - the sublime moment when you are united with them - you never want it to end. You just want it forever.

If it’s true love these feelings don’t go away with time. They just deepen and you want to take care of your love and be with them until the end of time.

You nailed it. There is no mistaking it when the connection/bond is there. It deepens and gets stronger over time and you want to be with person "until the end of time."