Love Conquers All

[Night-Wolf]

Hi, I just posted Love Conquers All and the link is http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98819 I would like some feedback to see if anyone would be interested in seeing more chapters of this story. Thanks

 

[Rainbow Skin]

You can write, so basics like sentence structure and grammar and punctuation and so on are fine. There are a couple of big things I think you need to work on however.

First, we don't need to know how to drive a car, or how to get up in the morning, or how to make a telephone call. Don't keep on describing each action: he opened the car door, he dialled her number, he got a snack from the refrigerator, the bell for the end of the lesson rang. None of these are relevant. The action as one single event is: he rang her, they drove home together; but not each component, blow by blow, over and over.

Related to this, don't keep saying 'quickly'. It occurred three times within two paragraphs on the first page; and on the second he quickly dialled her number then quickly outlined her plan. How many of these add anything? Quickly dialling or slowly dialling? Show the haste if there's a good reason for haste, but otherwise it's superfluous and distracting.

Argh! Then I write the above and go back to continue the story:

Allen was so excited he tossed and turned all night after he went to bed, but when his alarm went off the next morning, he was fully alert. Showering and dressing quickly, he raced downstairs and kissed his mom before he shot out the door. He quickly got in his car and sped off to Tracey's house. When he arrived at her house, she came running out to greet him, almost knocking him over in her exuberance when she reached him. After Allen had helped Tracey get in, he quickly got in the other side and began to pull away. As he did so, he noticed Tracey's dad smiling and waving at them as they took off.

When they were out of sight of the house, Allen quickly headed toward the ... he quickly motioned for Tracey to join him. As soon as the last brother sat down at the kitchen table, Allen put his plan in motion. After he probed their minds to make sure they weren't expecting any company, he quickly ...

Twitch. Twitch. Stop it. STOP IT. Twitch.

Anyway, second point is that you haven't thought out the weight you need to give to ideas. Near the beginning she seems a little bit upset. He probes and finds it was some kind of assault: you don't say precisely what then. But her degree of upsetness makes it feel like her boyfriend or date turned nasty on her. Not a rape by four strangers: that'd be a vastly more traumatic event, and she wouldn't surely be at school straight after, nor would she be receptive to his advances so soon after. You really needed to think through her psychology more.

The same with his superpowers. It's an interesting idea, but you make nothing of it when you bring it up. A bit of background of what he'd done, and what he could do, and the temptations he'd faced, would have put it in perspective, but you just mention it then throw it away: as if he's perfectly well adjusted and unselfish and has never thought of using it. The one example you give at the start makes it sound like a very mild suggestive impetus.

So when the end of the story requires it to be an irresistible power like bending steel in his bare hands, it's psychologically lopsided that there's been no hint that he's so powerful, and that he's never felt the urge to wield all this power.

 

[Night-Wolf]

Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to critique this story. I, like so many other authors I know, have a hard time going back to read a story of my own, especially when it has been so long since I first wrote this. This story was one of my very first efforts and I agree, I did have some overkill on the use of some words. The reason I didn't mention his abilities more than I did is because I like my characters to have scruples in the usage of such abilities. (I have a psionic in my other stories also). As the saying goes, "power corrupts, complete power corrupts completely" I really do appreciate your comments though and I will keep them in mind as I continue honing my craft. Thanks

 

[lyricalcandy]

I'm pretty much in agreement with Rainbow Skin. The story is sweet and romantic, but slightly unrealistic. I'd put a little more distance between the rape and the time they make love. Psychology aside I don't think it would be physically possible to enjoy sex 2 days after a gang rape.

Put a little more distance in there and I think you have a very romantic and believable fantasy.

Lyricalcandy

 

[Night-Wolf]

Thanks for the feedback Lyrical. I hadn't taken that into account and I am glad you pointed that out. I'm glad you enjoyed the rest of the story and I hope my next offering (which I hope will be posted soon) is enjoyable.