Lost In Thoughts

[derrensmiths]

Tonite while dreaming in the fantasy of plight,
I overheard the din of my thoughts that night.
So pure, so pious and only for her,
I am yearning and longing for my lady love.

Wishes and blessings all are thine,
The world now looks so divine.
To myself I owe the promise I did,
With the bond of love neither strained nor undid.

Don't know why so strange I think,
Has the bond of love now left without the ‘pink’?
The life and the breath now standing on the edge,
Just like a man walking on a wedge.

Going on and on forever is life,
Has it a stop destined or ever it has mercy of thine.
The beauty of love is the pain that it gives,
With the nausea and sting that succumbs me to end.

Losing her is the biggest fear of mine,
Or its something actually destined.
Though she loves me more than anything I compare
All the smiles of the world look small and bare.

The fear that's there is actually tough,
With the confusion all around that blows me in puff.
Am I really not able to decipher my fate?
Or the thing at stake is really so late.

I know it’s not the final end,
The love will someday take over and stand.
Time flows, as does the sand from the fist,
Some day I’ll regain all that’s lost in the mist.....

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Did you post this for critique?

 

[derrensmiths]

Well it completely depends on you.
The way you think. I think differently.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well it completely depends on you.
The way you think. I think differently.

True but then have you written it for your own enjoyment or for other peoples? If you are going to write in rhymes you should learn to not force words in just for the sake of the rhyme or you just end up sounding like Yoda i.e "Don't know why so strange I think,
Has the bond of love now left without the ‘pink’? "

To myself I owe the promise I did,
With the bond of love neither strained nor undid.

to make sense the end word should be 'undone' which of course wouldn't rhyme with 'did' so maybe you can see that this is a forced rhyme.

Everybody that wants to write 'good' poetry for all to enjoy has to edit and edit again so I hope you will stay around and maybe pick up some of the great vibes being given out on different threads by the likes of Pandora, Tzara, Bijou to name but a few.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

True but then have you written it for your own enjoyment or for other peoples? If you are going to write in rhymes you should learn to not force words in just for the sake of the rhyme or you just end up sounding like Yoda i.e "Don't know why so strange I think,
Has the bond of love now left without the ‘pink’? "

To myself I owe the promise I did,
With the bond of love neither strained nor undid.

to make sense the end word should be 'undone' which of course wouldn't rhyme with 'did' so maybe you can see that this is a forced rhyme.

Everybody that wants to write 'good' poetry for all to enjoy has to edit and edit again so I hope you will stay around and maybe pick up some of the great vibes being given out on different threads by the likes of Pandora, Tzara, Bijou to name but a few.

And UnderYourSpell, as our 2009 Poetry Survivor contest winner, has lots of good examples of form poems.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

And UnderYourSpell, as our 2009 Poetry Survivor contest winner, has lots of good examples of form poems.

Thankyou kind sir xx Doesn't stop me being beset by the gremlins though I haven't written much or submitted since!

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Thankyou kind sir xx Doesn't stop me being beset by the gremlins though I haven't written much or submitted since!

Me likewise - no submissions this year and all I've written is for my wife.

 

[champagne1982]

True but then have you written it for your own enjoyment or for other peoples? If you are going to write in rhymes you should learn to not force words in just for the sake of the rhyme or you just end up sounding like Yoda i.e "Don't know why so strange I think,
Has the bond of love now left without the ‘pink’? "

To myself I owe the promise I did,
With the bond of love neither strained nor undid.

to make sense the end word should be 'undone' which of course wouldn't rhyme with 'did' so maybe you can see that this is a forced rhyme.

Everybody that wants to write 'good' poetry for all to enjoy has to edit and edit again so I hope you will stay around and maybe pick up some of the great vibes being given out on different threads by the likes of Pandora, Tzara, Bijou to name but a few.

Now, see? You've gone and made me read the poem.

I couldn't truly read it. The rhythm was ok, but the end rhymes stuck because the forced wording and syntax threw me out of the metre. The theme turned into something a bit non-sensical due to the rhyme. "A man walking on a wedge"... I'm sorry, the juvenile in me could only think of a guy walking with a wedgie.

So, not to totally dis your poem, Derren, I am glad you took the time to share and hopefully, you'll search the threads on this forum to find some very excellent challenges and practice exercises that will help, not only you, but all of us improve our skills.

Good luck!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Now, see? You've gone and made me read the poem.

I couldn't truly read it. The rhythm was ok, but the end rhymes stuck because the forced wording and syntax threw me out of the metre. The theme turned into something a bit non-sensical due to the rhyme. "A man walking on a wedge"... I'm sorry, the juvenile in me could only think of a guy walking with a wedgie.

So, not to totally dis your poem, Derren, I am glad you took the time to share and hopefully, you'll search the threads on this forum to find some very excellent challenges and practice exercises that will help, not only you, but all of us improve our skills.

Good luck!

What's a wedgie? or shouldn't I ask?!!

 

[EroticOrogeny]

What's a wedgie? or shouldn't I ask?!!

Perhaps you shouldn't - but a wedgie is when your underwear is pulled up extremely tight, wedging in your butt. Could be an accident, but usually an unpleasant prank.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Perhaps you shouldn't - but a wedgie is when your underwear is pulled up extremely tight, wedging in your butt. Could be an accident, but usually an unpleasant prank.

Oh I see ........ wanders away muttering about strange practises across the pond