Lost and Alone

[starsha]

Greetings,

I am married (don’t know for how long) and lost the luster for the lifestyle for a while because my husband (master) has done a lot to ruien trust within our relationship. IE. Lies and deception.

Today after 3 weeks of fighting he tells me he wants me like I used to be. subservent enough to alow him to do the things he wishes without me having a say in the matter. Now you have to understand a year ago he told me he didn’t want this lifestyle anymore which crushed me. But now he wants to do things (mentioned bedding another female) .

I am terrified in this new man I don’t know, he changed over night and it scares me terribly.

I feel so lost. Alone. Because he didn’t want me to have friends. And keeping me within the home for 12 years made me reclusive. My parents are both sick and don’t need another burden so my options are limited either submit fully and alow him to crush me even more or end up on the streets only to become a prostitute (which I have considered)

(I guess my question is)
Has anyone ever gone through this?

 

[ILoveSexToys]

I can't say that I fully understand what you're going through, but it seems to me that you're going to have to rediscover yourself and rebuild your own confidence. I don't think prostitution is the answer to that.

 

[castagnus]

Have you any children ? If so, try to somehow make the best of it. If not, I would seriously consider leaving him and moving to another city.

 

[Bandit58]

If the trust is gone and he scares you, it's time to get the hell out. If you can't go back to your parents, then look in the phone book and find a women's refuge. Although if your parents are ill I would think they would be glad of your help, I doubt you would be a burden.

I know it is a big step. I took it myself six and a half years ago. I got out of a marriage of 23 years that was emotionally abusive. My self esteem was shot. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I am so glad I did, and now I am married to a wonderful Dom who loves me very much.

Believe it or not, you CAN do it. Baby steps. But if you feel you are in danger, then get out NOW. He is an abuser. Even if he hasn't physically struck you, he is abusive.

 

[starsha]

I know prostitution isn't the answer and its most likely me acting out in frustration over all this. I am curently not working, its something he wanted for me due to my back problem, so leaving wont be easy with no money. as for children mine are grown. (I'm 37)

So as you see my situation isn't the best at the moment.

 

[Noira]

Why is prostitution your only other option? You're a capable being, aren't you? You can get a leginimate job, you can get an apartment somewhere else, your options are hardly limited. You're only as limited as you let yourself be.

Do you WANT to submit to him? Sounds like NO!

Submissive does not mean MINDLESS. It sounds to me like he wanted a mindless, servial sextoy so he could do everything he wanted... not like a good, strong, secure Master. Not someone who'd treat you right. Someone worth being your Master won't lie and deceive you and do things to destroy you. Keeping you away from everyone is destroying you. It sounds to me like all he's doing it hurting you.

You're only as limited as you let yourself be. There are other masters out there, other dominant men--ones who'll treat you right.

I haven't gone through this, but like said above--I don't think prostitution is your answer. I don't think it's ever an answer. (Not to say I have anything against people who do it, but I don't think it's your answer to emotional problems! That could only make it worse...)

Of course it scares you, if he's changed. But you, submissive or not, have the right to say that you don't want to submit to this new man. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean he gets it. After all, he told you a year ago he didn't want this lifestyle, right?

Don't let yourself be hurt more because of something like this. Maybe a career in adult entertainment WILL be the answer. Maybe becoming an escort WILL become a viable option for you. But not while you're hurting. Not while you're having emotional problems. And being a streetwalker would just open you up to being hurt more by people.

I haven't gone through this in a relationship, but I had a friend who used to do that to me... drag me around and keep me as a subserviant person. I broke through that, and eventually we broke apart as friends. I wasn't her lackey anymore. I had to find myself through that mess. I'm still finding me through that mess. And evidently me is a kinky girl who can stand on her own two feet and chose whether to submit or dominate someone. I had to learn to stand for myself again. I could've--and almost did--some pretty stupid things while going through the emotional effects of damaging childhood friendships. I DID do some stupid things. Fortunately nothing more physically damaging than refusing to brush my teeth for a year, and I'm glad for that. It's left side effects. There are still certain triggers, certain things that bother me severely...certain things I won't do, and they're silly things too, like movies I won't watch and clothes I won't wear based on the effects of being pushed around as a child by these so called friends. They didn't want the best for me.

But I wanted the best for me. And you should want the best for you. It doesn't sound like, in its current state, this relationship and submitting to this man is the best thing for you. You'll have to figure out for yourself what that is.

I'm really doubting that it's prostitution. Don't hurt yourself because you're hurting inside. You'll get through this. You just have to be confident that even if he wants you broken, you want the best for yourself--and only you can prevent yourself from working towards that.

You don't need to stay with an abuser, be it emotional or physical.

I also wonder, if your parents are ill, could you go and help them out? My grandparents, who are also sick, would never say no to a helping hand in the garden and kitchen. But if you can't go to your parents, there are other options. There are always other options. There's ways to make money on the internet, too. If you can do logo design, there's contests on http://99designs.com/ where you could make some money. It's a long shot, because some people on there are amazing--but you know, things like that. Or if you can make anything and sell it. I'm afraid I'm an artist so that's where my expertise lies for money making potential. But see? Artist? Designer! Physical labor isn't necessary to make money all the time. Even if you have back problems.

I'm sorry you're going through this, though.

 

[WickedEve]

I know prostitution isn't the answer and its most likely me acting out in frustration over all this. I am curently not working, its something he wanted for me due to my back problem, so leaving wont be easy with no money. as for children mine are grown. (I'm 37)

So as you see my situation isn't the best at the moment.

First, I tend not to believe everything I read. But if you're for real, then I want to ask you a question. Were you a prostitute in the past? If so, then I can almost understand how the idea to go back to that life popped into your head. If not, then it's a strange solution you've come up with. You can still do certain jobs with a bad back or go to social services for help. Sign up for disability if it's really bad. Lots of other solutions. If I had a bad back, I wouldn't want to be, um, working on my back.

I very much understand about not wanting to give up control to someone you're no longer completely confident in.

 

[FurryFury]

Being cut off from friends and that sort of thing isn't BDSM IMO, it's abusive.

Sounds like you need to get out now.

Often in life, we feel helpless. That's not our reality though. We always have choices. We just need to allow that we do and act on them. The problem is that often our choices are not ones we like.

You are important. Take care of you. Then you can help your parents.

 

[myinnerslut]

please dont think this is "normal" or that you have nowhere to go. if you want to get out, there will always be a battered women's shelter that will take you in.

http://www.ehow.com/how_8640_find-battered-womens.html

 

[Kajira Callista]

How do we know it isn't normal? Vanilla people say we are not and think we all need to go to a shelter too. Unless you have been to one and know how you are treated there...don't recommend it. I wouldn't.

 

[subwannabe]

I totally agree with FurryFurry. This guy was not your master, he was just plain abusive. If I had to guess, I would say he has been cheating on you already and wants to be able to bed this woman, kind of with your approval. It's hard to say what he has in store for you. Do you like eating pussy, because he may have this in mind? You need to get out now and ditch this person. I wish you would have realized before that he was literally abusing you, at least mentally. There are a lot of options. You may want to call a woman's shelter for abuse victims and ask their advice. You don't have to be ashamed. They have heard it all before. Good luck and leave!!!!!!

 

[Kajira Callista]

The sky is falling the sky is falling!

 

[FurryFury]

I don't know why deriding people who have been mistreated is so rampant here today.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I don't know why deriding people who have been mistreated is so rampant here today.

have you ever wondered why they really have not much to say when you ask them to expand on their dilemma?

 

[FurryFury]

Have you ever wondered why you are so angry and enjoy blaming the victims so much?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Have you ever wondered why you are so angry and enjoy blaming the victims so much?

Don't try to pretend you know me because in fact you do not.
Maybe sometimes people need to realize they have to own their own shit and stop wasting their lives away crying about how bad something is without standing up and changing their own road.

 

[FurryFury]

Don't try to pretend you know me because in fact you do not.
Maybe sometimes people need to realize they have to own their own shit and stop wasting their lives away crying about how bad something is without standing up and changing their own road.

I'm not trying to pretend I know you. I only know you from your posts here. What I asked you is based on what I'm seeing in how you choose to post.

I do agree with you that people need to see they have options and should take them. I've said that already. I just don't think attack and deriding them is the best way to make that happen. I believe in kindness and giving the benefit of a doubt.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I'm not trying to pretend I know you. I only know you from your posts here. What I asked you is based on what I'm seeing in how you choose to post.

I do agree with you that people need to see they have options and should take them. I've said that already. I just don't think attack and deriding them is the best way to make that happen. I believe in kindness and giving the benefit of a doubt.

Maybe my way of trying to help is to shake the lil bubble they live in. Thats my version of kind.

 

[FurryFury]

Maybe my way of trying to help is to shake the lil bubble they live in. Thats my version of kind.

Cruel to be kind, eh?

Some might respond better to that.

*nods*

Not me but some might.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm with KC and others questioning the reality of this. Maybe I am mistaken, but if not, the attitude of the OP's post comes off as someone who is very emotionally, if not otherwise, immature and possibly used to manipulating people to get the sympathy they feed off or use to amuse themselves. I have worked with and known many abused women and have yet to meet one whose first option is to go on the streets and become a prostitute as a way of leaving an abusive relationship, nor any who have come off as being immature in any sense...abuse has a way of ridding the abused of any immaturity they may have had. I'm sorry, but it does all seem dramatics designed to get a desired effect, and if 37 and all children are grown, likely to have more issues to deal with then mentioned here.

That being said, what KC says is also true in that it does little in a productive and positive way to offer tea and sympathy in bucket loads while not addressing the real issues already mentioned and the disturbing thought patterns involved. Let's assume all that was stated is true...first thing this woman needs is to focus on dealing with her situation in a way which will strengthen her and build a new life safely, not smothering them with kindness in a way which will only deepen their sense of having no options and desperation, while strengthening their sense it is all the other person's fault and they have no choices or responsibility in their own life . Also let's remember we are only getting one side of the story and yet so many are ready to label the absent partner as abusive because he wants her to go back to being her formerly submissive self and he to be her Master again. Not to mention if there was a D/s element at some point and now it is being suggested it should be resurrected, and the OP was 'crushed' when he previously decided to shelve it, would there normally be so much fighting (didn't anyone wonder what the fighting was about when it preceeded by 3 weeks any talk of re-introducing the D/s element into their lives?) and 'fear' over the changes if she had missed it so much? These things normally draw mention of talking, communicating, negotiating from this forum, not immediate assumptions he is an abuser and she needs to run!! WTF, we are talking about a M/s (I am assuming as she called him her Master) relationship here, not mainstream suburbia, or so I thought. How can people compare this to their own experience and/or knowledge of DV in the mainstream world? This is not a mainstream relationship and thus things work a little differently usually. If this woman truly is abused, a BDSM forum is not usually the first place they would run for help, is it? Of course, they could do it because they want to throw it in the face of the PYL as proof positive he is a bastard for expecting her to be submissive when she refers to him as her Master.

I am not one keen to accuse someone I know nothing about of being an abuser and/or abusive...many have found themselves victim of this form of persecution and paid dearly when the real abuser is the one who has managed to get people to believe their tales with little or no evidence except their words. Need we also remember this is a public forum where the OP is free to post and no-one knows who they are, what gender, what age, what marital status etc., etc., just what they choose to type? Sorry, it just doesn't add up enough for me to be handing out tissues and feeling this is someone in real trouble, more someone who is at best afraid of what they say they want...or is just filling in some time. I could be wrong, but I don't think so at this point.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I'm all for tea and sympathy with a dollop of "here is how you can help yourself." In case they really want to.

No one has to prove to me they are really hurting, real or anything at all because feelings usually can't stand up to a court of law and evidence but they are still valid in my opinion.

As for smothering, that's is not my way. I only have so much to give and I have no time to smother. In fact if I get too close to someone who is an Eeyore type and who refuses to help themselves it depresses me. Out of self preservation I have to take a few steps back and draw some lines.

I am not motivated to change by abrasiveness or agitators though. I grew up with far too many of those sorts of people in my life and it no longer (if it ever did) affects in a positive way.

I don't think a little kindness and common sense ever hurt anyone but if it does I may have killed millions of online folk.

LOL.

 

[Tyr51]

In my opinion, seperating you from support networks, friends, family and career.... These are not the actions of a "Dom", but the actions of an abuser. You sound like you want out and that this isn't the relationship you were looking for. That sends off red flags for me as well.

With no small children, you have only yourself to look after!! This is doable, even if it isn't easy! Kids just out of highschool do it. They struggle, but they do *DO* it.

If the idea is to get out, I agree.... I'm not sure where the prostitution idea came from. Some sex workers do make a good and profitable small business. But if the idea is not "I can set up a small business with this business model and will invest in this way to give myself financial independance" then you are very likely going to end up setting yourself up to be a victem in a system that is both illegal and eats people up before spitting them out to die. You sound desperate rather than determined. Consider that this may not be your best option.

Contact you local Women's Center. They exist to assist rape victems, and victems of domestic violence (which includes psycological violence as well). They can help in some ways.

You need copies of your most important documents: drivers license, passport, birth certificate, immunizations (if you have them), education documents, bank documents, etc. You put those and a suitcase of clothes with a friend. If you don't have that network, your local Women's Center can provide a safe house for you.

And yes, it will be tough. You will need to find work, and you may not like the work. But it will be your work, your money, and your independance. These groups can set you up with legal and counseling help. They can even help you find resources for career placement and additional education.



If you are legally married to this man, then divorce would be difficult but it sounds like it may be something you're considering. There may be an issue of alamony. But that is something to discuss with an attorney rather than some random person like myself. Divorce can be so hard. But I am glad you have no little ones that can be used as colatoral.




Find what you want.
Help yourself. Use resources for you. Understand it will be tough.

Thinking your only option is to hit the streets as a prostitute is only going to continue the pattern of victemization.
And I guarentee, becoming a lower level sex worker is going to only make things worse. You can do better, and I imagine somewhere you understand that.

I know you can get out if you want to. It is not personal experience, I will warrent. But I have had family members go through very similar experiences. And, as a woman, I know we are very powerful if we just give ourselves permission and face up to fear.

I wish you the best.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Have you any children ? If so, try to somehow make the best of it.

Seriously?

Children do not make spousal abuse acceptable.

 

[FurryFury]

Seriously?

Children do not make spousal abuse acceptable.

I so agree.