It's Pam Heffernin's Loserscope for the Holidays.
Enjoy!
Aries (mar 21 - apr 19)
The warm fuzzy feeling you get every time you hear a Christmas carol is really a gigantic tumor expanding in your chest cavity. No, no. I'm just kidding. But you still might want to get it "checked out," you know? I hate to mess with your narcissistic and adolescent sense of deserved immortality, but I just want to be sure you don't drop dead right before unwrapping all that shitty Harry Potter merchandise people bought you. Sorry. There I go again. Just try and enjoy the holiday - savor every moment. Please... just for me.
Taurus (april 20 - may 20)
You should be very proud of the expensive gifts you're buying all your friends and family, Taurus. Too bad none of them will return the favor. But it's about the giving, right, not the receiving? So it shouldn't piss you off when you max out the Visa on friends who never call and family members who judge you every waking minute and then turn around and give you squat. Come to think of it - what do they ever give you - aside from big no-interest loans? A pain in the ass, that's what!
Gemini (may 21 - june 21)
As the most bipolar nut jobs in the zodiac, Geminis deserve plenty of self-pampering. So go ahead - appease that "voice" in your head this month. Give in to its urges. Hump the fruitcake. Play Boggle with Invisible Jesus. Skin those pet store guinea pigs and make mittens. Just be careful not to indulge yourself too much though, or you'll find yourself in the same fix as last year: living in a box over a steam grate and "giving in" to the part of you that bathes in road gravel and calls itself "Cobweb, the Dustiest Fairy."
Cancer (june 22 - july 22)
That old commercial about the adult son who comes home and makes coffee on Christmas morning to surprise his parents makes you weep like a baby. Why? Is it because if you ever tried that, your toothless father would start popping off buckshot at your head before you could open the non-dairy creamer? That's why this year, I suggest you just send the folks a card - complete with a generous dusting of Maxwell House fire-roasted insta-thrax crystals.
Leo (july 23 - august 22)
I see through your folksy Christmas attitude, Leo. Like Tiny Tim, you please yourself by thinking "God, Bless Us Everyone!" But what you really mean is "God Bless Me, and Only Me." That's because, unlike Tiny Tim, you're an EMOTIONAL cripple. So hobble along this holiday season and feel good about yourself. Buy yourself the fattest goose in the window, roast it, eat the entire thing, curl up under a down comforter, and asphyxiate yourself with your own flatulence.
Virgo (august 23 - september 22)
Jupiter is in the seventh house, and that means you're especially full of yourself this month, Virgo. Behind your good cheer is a hypercritical banshee who believes s/he's the only one who REALLY has the Christmas spirit. Oh isn't that nice? Being the perfect little cheer-giver who loads up on cheap holiday trinkets at Wal-Mart is some big secret that only you know, huh? Well guess what, Virgo? You're not so smart! Because I know for a fact that Chinese-made paper-machier snowflakes are 5% cheaper at K-Mart this year! So choke on that, BITCH!
Libra (september 23 - october 23)
You know what I like about you, Libra? You're the type of person who can lick an ice-cold aluminum telephone pole and not whine when your tongue becomes instantly fused to it. Even later, when the EMT workers come and tear your tongue to bloody shreds while freeing it, you accept it was your fault and you take responsibility for it. I mean, you may be an idiot, but at least you're honest - especially to yourself. May your stocking be filled with cinnamon schnapps and cheese logs.
Scorpio (october 24 - november 21)
You know that bum you pass every day - the one sitting in his own filth next to the empty bottle of rubbing alcohol? Toss him a quarter. Not only will it make you feel superior (God knows you need to be made to feel that way), but think of it as karmic insurance. Never forget you're only one paycheck away from playing the buckets at the bus station. Keep that in mind and maybe... JUST MAYBE... the universe won't feel the need to vomit in your moronically gaping maw this month.
Saggitarius (november 22 - december 21)
Santa's making his list and checking it twice, but you're not so much naughty or nice, as non-existent. Just because you take up physical space and consume doesn't mean you really register as a "person" to the polar fat man. Don't despair though. Some "good deeds" are all that you need to get back on St. Nick's radar. So march in to work tomorrow, and point out how that velour pantsuit really does wonders for the office cow's thighs, or call your mom and finally confess your German poo porn fetish. Trust me. It will pay off!
Capricorn (december 22 - january 19)
I don't know how to tell you this Capricorn, but the baby Jesus hates you. And on top of that, your childhood shopping mall Saint Nicholas was always "excited." Also: your office Secret Santa lost a bet and spends half the day bitching about having to waste money buying something for you, and has decided to get you a mesh pouch of decorative soaps from the Dollar Store. Life sucks, huh Capricorn? Well that's where you're WRONG - because I just scored a fresh handle of Bacardi 151.
Aquarius (january 20 - february 18)
As autumn gives way to winter, your Aquarian powers begin to bloom. Isn't it strange that your sign is at its apex while the entire world is cold and bleak? I mean... you're at the top of your game while everything wilts and dies, Aquarius. I suggest keeping that in mind this month, as you flutter to all those Christmas parties nobody invited you to. Rest assured that strangers will not only recognize your cosmic superiority, but be utterly delighted by your cutely eccentric habit of drinking from punch bowls like an epileptic sheepcat.
Pisces (february 19 - march 20)
It never occurs to you that the "holiday season" is just an excuse to eat, drink, and get stuff. No, you want to attach some spiritual meaning to what is really just an orgy of credit card swiping. Pisces, dear sweet loopy Pisces, this time of year is just marketing. So if you really want to make a "difference," stash your righteous blessings where they belong - with a litter of Dalmation puppies inside a chained-shut burlap sack at the bottom of an ice-choked river. There - now don't ever say I didn't help you out.
http://www.chickenhead.com/loserscopes/1202.asp
Enjoy!
Aries (mar 21 - apr 19)
The warm fuzzy feeling you get every time you hear a Christmas carol is really a gigantic tumor expanding in your chest cavity. No, no. I'm just kidding. But you still might want to get it "checked out," you know? I hate to mess with your narcissistic and adolescent sense of deserved immortality, but I just want to be sure you don't drop dead right before unwrapping all that shitty Harry Potter merchandise people bought you. Sorry. There I go again. Just try and enjoy the holiday - savor every moment. Please... just for me.
Taurus (april 20 - may 20)
You should be very proud of the expensive gifts you're buying all your friends and family, Taurus. Too bad none of them will return the favor. But it's about the giving, right, not the receiving? So it shouldn't piss you off when you max out the Visa on friends who never call and family members who judge you every waking minute and then turn around and give you squat. Come to think of it - what do they ever give you - aside from big no-interest loans? A pain in the ass, that's what!
Gemini (may 21 - june 21)
As the most bipolar nut jobs in the zodiac, Geminis deserve plenty of self-pampering. So go ahead - appease that "voice" in your head this month. Give in to its urges. Hump the fruitcake. Play Boggle with Invisible Jesus. Skin those pet store guinea pigs and make mittens. Just be careful not to indulge yourself too much though, or you'll find yourself in the same fix as last year: living in a box over a steam grate and "giving in" to the part of you that bathes in road gravel and calls itself "Cobweb, the Dustiest Fairy."
Cancer (june 22 - july 22)
That old commercial about the adult son who comes home and makes coffee on Christmas morning to surprise his parents makes you weep like a baby. Why? Is it because if you ever tried that, your toothless father would start popping off buckshot at your head before you could open the non-dairy creamer? That's why this year, I suggest you just send the folks a card - complete with a generous dusting of Maxwell House fire-roasted insta-thrax crystals.
Leo (july 23 - august 22)
I see through your folksy Christmas attitude, Leo. Like Tiny Tim, you please yourself by thinking "God, Bless Us Everyone!" But what you really mean is "God Bless Me, and Only Me." That's because, unlike Tiny Tim, you're an EMOTIONAL cripple. So hobble along this holiday season and feel good about yourself. Buy yourself the fattest goose in the window, roast it, eat the entire thing, curl up under a down comforter, and asphyxiate yourself with your own flatulence.
Virgo (august 23 - september 22)
Jupiter is in the seventh house, and that means you're especially full of yourself this month, Virgo. Behind your good cheer is a hypercritical banshee who believes s/he's the only one who REALLY has the Christmas spirit. Oh isn't that nice? Being the perfect little cheer-giver who loads up on cheap holiday trinkets at Wal-Mart is some big secret that only you know, huh? Well guess what, Virgo? You're not so smart! Because I know for a fact that Chinese-made paper-machier snowflakes are 5% cheaper at K-Mart this year! So choke on that, BITCH!
Libra (september 23 - october 23)
You know what I like about you, Libra? You're the type of person who can lick an ice-cold aluminum telephone pole and not whine when your tongue becomes instantly fused to it. Even later, when the EMT workers come and tear your tongue to bloody shreds while freeing it, you accept it was your fault and you take responsibility for it. I mean, you may be an idiot, but at least you're honest - especially to yourself. May your stocking be filled with cinnamon schnapps and cheese logs.
Scorpio (october 24 - november 21)
You know that bum you pass every day - the one sitting in his own filth next to the empty bottle of rubbing alcohol? Toss him a quarter. Not only will it make you feel superior (God knows you need to be made to feel that way), but think of it as karmic insurance. Never forget you're only one paycheck away from playing the buckets at the bus station. Keep that in mind and maybe... JUST MAYBE... the universe won't feel the need to vomit in your moronically gaping maw this month.
Saggitarius (november 22 - december 21)
Santa's making his list and checking it twice, but you're not so much naughty or nice, as non-existent. Just because you take up physical space and consume doesn't mean you really register as a "person" to the polar fat man. Don't despair though. Some "good deeds" are all that you need to get back on St. Nick's radar. So march in to work tomorrow, and point out how that velour pantsuit really does wonders for the office cow's thighs, or call your mom and finally confess your German poo porn fetish. Trust me. It will pay off!
Capricorn (december 22 - january 19)
I don't know how to tell you this Capricorn, but the baby Jesus hates you. And on top of that, your childhood shopping mall Saint Nicholas was always "excited." Also: your office Secret Santa lost a bet and spends half the day bitching about having to waste money buying something for you, and has decided to get you a mesh pouch of decorative soaps from the Dollar Store. Life sucks, huh Capricorn? Well that's where you're WRONG - because I just scored a fresh handle of Bacardi 151.
Aquarius (january 20 - february 18)
As autumn gives way to winter, your Aquarian powers begin to bloom. Isn't it strange that your sign is at its apex while the entire world is cold and bleak? I mean... you're at the top of your game while everything wilts and dies, Aquarius. I suggest keeping that in mind this month, as you flutter to all those Christmas parties nobody invited you to. Rest assured that strangers will not only recognize your cosmic superiority, but be utterly delighted by your cutely eccentric habit of drinking from punch bowls like an epileptic sheepcat.
Pisces (february 19 - march 20)
It never occurs to you that the "holiday season" is just an excuse to eat, drink, and get stuff. No, you want to attach some spiritual meaning to what is really just an orgy of credit card swiping. Pisces, dear sweet loopy Pisces, this time of year is just marketing. So if you really want to make a "difference," stash your righteous blessings where they belong - with a litter of Dalmation puppies inside a chained-shut burlap sack at the bottom of an ice-choked river. There - now don't ever say I didn't help you out.
http://www.chickenhead.com/loserscopes/1202.asp
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