Lord help me I've done it again...

[mellowgyrl]

This time with the help of an incredible editor I've submitted another story. Please read and provide feedback. Keep in mind I haven't developed the thick skin trademark of most writers - be gentle! Thanks a bunch!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337166

 

[mjl2010]

What's good for the gander is good for the goose?

A well developed story with a couple of surprise twists. You showed us Tony's pain as well her pleasure and did both equally well.

I found the ending more than a little interesting.

Well done Mellowgyrl.

MJL

 

[mellowgyrl]

Thanks MJ!


Bump!


Pretty please!

 

[ninefe2dg]

Hey there, m-gyrl...

The plot twists are great. I was all ready for this to be a reprise of the Eddie Murphy bit where the guy starts off with "yeah, I fucked her, but I made LOVE to you". Then the woman goes to the Caribbean to fuck the island stud, and the guy is none the wiser. The old "men are dogs, women are cats"

I was also ready to be annoyed that Tony and Kenny reconcile so quickly, but loved the little twist in the end. I also found the massage particularly titillating and her NOT coming made me want more! Good not to have blown your wad, so to speak, on that little scene.

You may want to look at threads on showing vs. telling. I struggle with this all the time. How do you move the story along without simply saying what's going on, or what they're doing? You mix in a lot of sensations, using all the senses...you can't do that enough. I'd stay away from adjectives like beautiful, luscious, et al, and try to describe them and let us decide. What was it that was so luscious about his lips? Were they full? soft? DId he use them well? What can you say about them to make me, a hetero white male, want to steal a peck myself?

You can find all sorts of discussions on showing/telling on the Net and on this site, and people are able to constrast and debate the notions far better than I can. I try to keep it simple for my simple mind. If I can start a paragraph with "This one time, in band camp...", then I'm telling. Then I need to decide if it's appropriate, or can I adjust it to involve my reader more.

Here's where I struggle a bit, re "telling"...this paragraph tells...

It was early afternoon in Puerto Vallarta. Tony had some time to kill before dinner with Alex and she was glad because it gave her an opportunity to get herself together. She couldn't think of a better way to do that than to get a massage. Tony called down to the spa and made an appointment for an hour long massage, then changed into her robe and headed out the door.

But to be honest, I'm not sure I'd change it much, maybe describe how the sky or sun looked in early afternoon in PV...what did the robe look like? Was she nervous with anticipation, or just in need of Tony Time? But, since you do mix in the sense throughout, sometimes, as I said, you have to tell a little to move the story along...I'd just deploy the "band camp" rule and challenge yourself as to how you might write it differently.

Re this paragraph at the beginning:

Tony ignored him relying on her anger to get through this moment without caving in. Tony always swore her biggest mistake ever was having sex with Kenny. Their first night together and subsequent love making thereafter had Tony hooked. Kenny had always been able to make up for whatever bad thing he'd done by seducing her into bed. She gathered her courage and attempted to be as strong as she could be. She had to fight the urge to fall into his arms despite how tempting it was to do otherwise.
Does this mean it's not a happy ending? Isn't she simply doing what she always does. Or is it OK because she fucked Adam?

Very entertaining story! The satisfaction you had in writing this comes shining through, plus you knew you'd get most people in the end! That's always fun.

Nice job!

 

[mellowgyrl]

Hey Nine, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I greatly appreciate all of your comments and suggestions! I'll definitely look into those threads you suggested as well! Thanks again

 

[mjl2010]

bumpity bump up for a friend...

hi Mellow

MJL