Looking to improve myself - not sure of the path

[Noviceseeking]

A little about me..
Have been a literotica reader for years although never established a profile.
Married - stable family life, fit, considered attractive.
Have reached a point where I feel like I need to better understand my interest in the bdsm lifestyle and relationships to attempt to enhance my marriage.
What I am trying to gather is whether the relationships I read of (ficitonalized and possibly enhanced) of deep personal exchanges of control can really truly exist and whether these roles are "learn-able". My goals is to better understand what makes me tick internally so I can hopefully "ask" for it at home.

To say I am a novice might be undercutting it hugely,
Am not sure if this education is one that can be gained from an online presence or not. Wonder if there are well experienced, educated and interested people who'd be willing to help me. I am open to both sexes - I am guessing based on my natural inclinations that I fall more into the sub category.

Thanks for considering

 

[CBM514]

A little about me..
Have been a literotica reader for years although never established a profile.
Married - stable family life, fit, considered attractive.
Have reached a point where I feel like I need to better understand my interest in the bdsm lifestyle and relationships to attempt to enhance my marriage.
What I am trying to gather is whether the relationships I read of (ficitonalized and possibly enhanced) of deep personal exchanges of control can really truly exist and whether these roles are "learn-able". My goals is to better understand what makes me tick internally so I can hopefully "ask" for it at home.

To say I am a novice might be undercutting it hugely,
Am not sure if this education is one that can be gained from an online presence or not. Wonder if there are well experienced, educated and interested people who'd be willing to help me. I am open to both sexes - I am guessing based on my natural inclinations that I fall more into the sub category.

Thanks for considering

I would say that for some, BDSM activities are more natural than for others but yes, anything can be learned I believe...is your wife willing to explore and learn with you?

 

[Noviceseeking]

Ah well, I see I was not clear enough-
I am actually the wife..hence the issues. I am conflicted in desiring a sub / Dom relationship
And find it inherently problematic that I clearly need to advocate for myself here or it just won't come together (not exactly how i view Relinquishing power eh?) I've tried the passive methods ( dropping current pulp mainstream bdsm books ie 50 shades) on his nightstand "hey you should read this etc".. But I feel like to do this right you really have to focus, be invested and as the trust/control and *recognition* elements are what really seem to motivate me. Looks like someone has to be the trailblazer here - it won't be him...so in this- I'll take first step.

Thank you for your thoughtful response tho

 

[Oubliette123]

Hi Novice

When I met my OH (Dom) I guess unconsciously I picked up that aspect of him, and he with me hence the attraction. We didn't meet online, nor with any form of BDSM in mind, it was in a vanilla sense. I had already discovered the sub part of me and was willing to explore should the opportunity arise, but it hadn't been a huge part of my life-nor was I worried if it wasn't to be in the future. I had collected some 'tools of the job' if you like over a period of time and had them stashed away in a cupboard-as you do

The more we got to know each other, the more I could see his dominant side, little things like holding my throat when he kissed me or pulling my hair etc. I decided the only way forward was to come clean. I'm not good at beating round the bush (sorry for the pun!) so I got my bag of tricks out, told him that was what I was about and left the room. It happened that it ticked all his boxes too, and awakened something in him we have developed as a couple.

Do you have an idea of how your husband would react should you decide to tell him your thoughts? Of course you might not want to jump right in and and lay it all at his feet.

Another thing to consider is that (well for me anyway) reality is very different to fantasy. I remember before embarking on this lifestyle the idea of being caned for example was filled with whimsical romance-the reality is very different (for me in a wonderful way!). But of course there are different aspects of this lifestyle that some people chose to take or leave. Some like the masochistic/sadist side, some don't. Its all about experimenting and finding your comfort zone (then having him push you past it!).

Maybe being a bit more up front will grab his attention, a little bit at a time. Maybe tell him you would like to experiment and see where it takes you?

Good luck, I hope you find a balance with him.

 

[CutieMouse]

You're probably going to have to talk to him. Not hint; talk.

My main reason for saying that, is that you aren't wanting to explore in a vacuum. Ultimately, he deserves some sort of say in the matter. What happens if you talk, and he's wanting the same thing? What if you talk, both want to explore D/s, but have different ideas of what that means? What if you want to submit, but so does he? What if one of you gets turned on by the idea of protocol (honorifics, etc), and the other doesn't?

Ya gotta put on your big girl panties and talk. Communication is simply communication, and good communication tends to be vital in healthy relationships.

And, BTW, frank discussion (even advocacy) has nothing to do with being particularly dominant or submissive. For example, I once had a guy tell my partner I wasn't submissive, because A) I wasn't into bondage, and B) could care less about Hitachi wand vibrators. I laughed at him, because he hadn't asked about my housekeeping skills, if I knew how to make a good cup of coffee, or my philosophy of sex.

As for

But I feel like to do this right you really have to focus, be invested and as the trust/control and *recognition* elements are what really seem to motivate me.

What do focus, trust/control, and recognition look like, to you? (Rhetorical question, BTW) What part of the concept of submission appeals to you? How do YOU define submission, ignoring erotica, porn, society, or any other "submission = X" formula?

 

[Noviceseeking]

Hm. Well. Peeling the proverbial onion back- I think the answer may be a little complicated.
At the root of this all I think I, like many people (regardless of age/sex/status) may be having a bit of a midlife crisis. We are all busy people, but for me- 3 children, recent decision to stay home and service the family, very very pressured job of husband, me being a very highly tuned type (previously sexed and adventurous - we are sf based w all it holds as excitement) - I am feeling a drift trying to find what authentically moves me.

You are entirely right about communication. Funny-it spans sexuality and mundane
So in our world, given that he's literally working his tail off, I usually do advance reconnaissance and loop back w updates. I am envisioning maybe having a talk with him expressing interest, hopefully finding an outlet for education for myself with his blessing- but more importantly, figuring out what I want out of this thing to begin with.


Re: trust control/ recognition: I think much of my desire here stems from our busy lives and needing to maybe make time to connect. I feel that I have given over much of the control of my life to this point (stay at home vs work- he is already very alpha and dominant - just needs channelling I think)...I think I am missing that connection where you feel truly committed to the psychological elements of submission. I don't know. I think I'm rambling at this point. I feel like he dominates but without the important element of cherishing? I'm all for any type of limits - but I need to feel valued. Ah I think I have a large convo ahead of me.

Net net. I guess I am looking to be both dominated and valued.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Net net. I guess I am looking to be both dominated and valued.

mmmm.... what submissive wouldn't want that? It can be pretty hard to get there. There's a paradox to being sexually submissive, that is, to crave submitting and to sexualize being dominated, at least, i've always felt like there is. The impression i get of 'normal' people (and i'm looking in from the outside, so i could be off-base), is that they will submit when its appropriate - submitting to legitimate authority, for instance - but, at most, they might feel relieved at avoiding responsibility, rather than being thrilled by the experience. When you don't want to submit, any scenario where you do is genuine (and you don't care that it is). When you /need/ to submit, submission can less than real, especially when it's consensual or you initiate it.

In a sense, you have it easy: you're already the submissive partner in your relationship. You "just" need to find ways to sexualize and appreciate your position - and to help your dominant partner appreciate what he has. Thing is, that's still hard, because all relationship stuff is hard.

CutieMouse is right: you need to communicate, to lay out what you want/need or wish to explore, and listen to what he has available to give. Clearly, you both have busy and demanding lives.

 

[Noviceseeking]

So here I sit distilling this all:
I find myself needing to clearly communicate my desire (to my husband) to explore something that I don't quite understand myself. This is a must.
In the spirit of full disclosure -
I am motivated as I've run across a situation that has pushed this entire topic to the forefront really waking up my otherwise dormant sexual needs.
Net net: unintended encounter in a lovely sf high end spa where I was entirely and deliciously taken by surprise by a Deep tissue Massage's ending chock full of robe ties used as restraints. Ack. It's critical I flip this into something that enhances our marital relationship as I am horribly guilt ridden yet simultaneously completely Fascinated by what's running in my head.

Followup questions:
It's clear that I need to get this sorted out ideally within the framework of the marriage.
It's also clear I am certainly hungry for this role/receptivity/concept.
I know, without fail, he would most likely not mind my suggesting learning more about the concepts of submission from a woman (mentoring) or however it would be called. I am fairly certain he would not allow a male dom to mentor me. I am new, so please forgive this..are there women who could help play the Dom role? And I am so very much at the beginning of this exploration that I am not even sure whether mentoring could be virtual only? Or is it suggested, should he support the exploration, that quasi personal/online as more effective...
Realizing this is taking on a non logical stream of consciousness bends. Also realizing that even writing about it has me in a tizzy.
Help!

 

[Stella_Omega]

My suggestion; look for BDSM and "leather" events in your area. A good resource for this is fetlife.com, which is facebook for pervs

Register, check event listings for your area, see what is going on.

Tell your husband that you are interested in exploring this activity (don't call it a lifestyle, that's a scary word to most people in relationships that they consider stable) and you wonder if he would explore it with you. If he won't go to the first event or class with you, go on your own. I know it sounds scary but you will be astonished at the courtesy and respect of (most) BDSM people...

Read the essay in my signature, also. This idea of "improving yourself" may or may not be a real part of your path. I know it's a thing, in those novels, but my experience is that people-- yes, even middle-aged people-- are very close to perfect the minute they get naked with a lover.

 

[Noviceseeking]

Ah stella omega- thank you so much. I'll attempt to make traction on Communication piece and explore the second piece next. Luckily sf has much, I am sure, to offer.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Are you feeling guilt over the nature of your desires? Don't, they're really not that unusual.

Or, do you feel like this encounter was cheating? That's something you should deal with.

 

[Noviceseeking]

Whew. Well. Physically speaking I am conflicted. I do also tend to have a pretty holistic view and think that things happen for a reason. Turns out this scenario was like top 5 in my vanilla fantasy land. So although a transgression technically - clearly there is something I needed to get answered.
I am torn. Is it cheating if a singular experience spurs hopefully a more clear understanding of needs and wants. Yeah. Even as I write there is no way to avoid the reality but I suppose it's what I do w it now that will redeem the situation .

 

[CBM514]

All the advice given so far is excellent...it can be hard to communicate a desire if you don't feel it will be accepted and can feel incongruous to want to be dominated but have to be the one to lead it and initiate it...how would he respond if he saw you tied to the bed with some of his neck ties waiting for him? Would that be too strong if a start?

 

[Noviceseeking]

As update: I am hopeful as I broached the topic w him last nite and although essentially still inexperienced in full, distinct control (Dom) he willingly threw out many treats that tell me he would be more than willing. I'm not sure he understands the depths or breadth of the activities but starting off based on last nite was just fine. I still need to learn what would be expected of a cherished sub- how I can tailor to best answer what I already see as his D nature...

I will actively look for a female instructor to help mold me in preparation for his rising Dom status

 

[CBM514]

I think it's great you discussed it and he is willing and interested! I think you two cn expect to grow through this together and find your own balance and push each thers limits!!

 

[laurasunshinegal]

As update: I am hopeful as I broached the topic w him last nite and although essentially still inexperienced in full, distinct control (Dom) he willingly threw out many treats that tell me he would be more than willing. I'm not sure he understands the depths or breadth of the activities but starting off based on last nite was just fine. I still need to learn what would be expected of a cherished sub- how I can tailor to best answer what I already see as his D nature...

I will actively look for a female instructor to help mold me in preparation for his rising Dom status

i just wanted to wish you the very best of luck on your journey! being a wife and mom can be busy by itself, but to throw D/s into the mix? its a challenge indeed... but let me assure you that it is extremely, profoundly rewarding.

if i can be of any help or instruction, feel free to be in touch here, via PM, or yahoo messenger (my screen name is in my profile).

GOOD LUCK!!

 

[theGM26]

This is how things would ideally take place. I am very happy for you.

 

[Noviceseeking]

All- yes thank you. What is exciting is that my previously quiet-repressed self is so awake.
Laurasunshinegal-I will for certain pm you about how to start this fantastic journey. Man. Have to keep this moderated. Very difficult to keep my head straight and my panties not soaking as I navigate the endless kid activities. What a dilemma ...

 

[CutieMouse]

In the spirit of full disclosure -
I am motivated as I've run across a situation that has pushed this entire topic to the forefront really waking up my otherwise dormant sexual needs.
Net net: unintended encounter in a lovely sf high end spa where I was entirely and deliciously taken by surprise by a Deep tissue Massage's ending chock full of robe ties used as restraints.

Wait... you went to a luxury spa for a massage, and the masseuse ended up using spa robe belts for impromptu bondage? I hate to sound like a boorish prude here, but that was a serious violation of professional ethics. You were in a vulnerable position (nude/draped), and the masseuse took advantage of their position of power - erotic awakening, or not.

Ack. It's critical I flip this into something that enhances our marital relationship as I am horribly guilt ridden yet simultaneously completely Fascinated by what's running in my head.

Flip what? Guilty about what? Being in a compromising position? Getting turned on by the experience instead of freaked out?

As update: I am hopeful as I broached the topic w him last nite and although essentially still inexperienced in full, distinct control (Dom) he willingly threw out many treats that tell me he would be more than willing. I'm not sure he understands the depths or breadth of the activities but starting off based on last nite was just fine. I still need to learn what would be expected of a cherished sub- how I can tailor to best answer what I already see as his D nature...

I will actively look for a female instructor to help mold me in preparation for his rising Dom status

WHY do you feel you need to be instructed, and instructed in what, exactly? Even if you did find someone to "mold" you, they would be teaching you THEIR idea of how a cherished submissive should behave.

You opened the subject, and from what you've written, he's more than happy to explore. Might I suggest that instead of looking for a "mentor" outside the marriage, or measuring the man against your preconceived ideas of what "full distinct control" looks like, y'all walk the path together? Ask him how he defines submission. Ask him what you can do that inspires him to lead. Go from there.

10 years ago when I started trying to figure all this stuff out [about myself], I was convinced that REAL, EXPERIENCED, DESIRABLE submissives did X. (Used honorifics, knelt, asked permission to do everything, let the dominant make all the decisions, etc) It turned out those things lead to rolling eyes and snorts of amusement. Oops.

A decade into exploring D/s, I'm in a relationship full of delegation [it makes his life easier]. There is no interested in titles, kneeling, or taking on the full responsibilities of another grow adult [me].

Maybe if I was a different person I'd be a different kind of submissive, but I'm not. And regardless of what the books and websites and everything else says, I have to balance my submissive nature/desires, with the realities of the life I live and the desires of my partner.

 

[Noviceseeking]

Cutie mouse ...your second pp helps a lot. I have been lucky to have received responses that helped me think more deeply about what I am trying to accomplish - clarity of goal will obviously help my success rate! As I've worked through this- I do think your suggested approach is one that may greatly help. First I need to understand what I'm chasing, then determine whether prefixed sub roles are required or whether organically created ones would be better. I think I am overwhelmed by my sexual response, interested in seeing if I can enhance our roles/relationship and wanting to still remain committed to my marriage/family.

Regarding the spa situation- yeah. Not most professional. However. I do think I may have contributed in nonverbal unfortunately unintended body response. Somewhat hard to ignore my responses. And the tie up was in the last 5 min as I think I was a bit noisy and moving too much. Yikes, I could have stopped it at any point should I wanted to. This is where my guilt comes in. Had zero desire to stop which really upends that commen expectation that I should, as a mother and wife, put the family first and preserve my commitments there. Nope. I definately proceeded full steam ahead and I think I'm wrestling w that schism in me now.

 

[Noviceseeking]

And I'd like to thank all of you for your responses...inadvertently I realize, reading back over this thread, that the very insightful questions and scenarios you all provide has helped me truly better see that I'm looking for two things : firstly, increased connection with my husband centering both in the bedroom and out focusing on a sub role for me - asking to integrate the physical activiies described so neatly this site. He will come into his own...we"ll figure it out. All this put into motion by a few robe ties and a spa!

Secondly - I want to learn more about the daily relationship side of submission - into even our every day life. I feel like many of our conflicts, should I explore "my flavor" of submission- may be minimized and maybe our friction will be lessened - maybe we'll be closer.

Each question or bit of feedback has really helped. Thanks all...

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

Novice, being from the Bay Area I have several places you may want to check out. My kitten and I have just started our journey into this, after almost 20 years of marriage. Stella and Cutiemouse have provided me with valuable insight along the way. Feel free to send a PM and I will provide you the names of the places I have found along the way. I'm no way an expert but I have looked around to see what is out there.

 

[Noviceseeking]

Thanks much!! I appreciate it..

 

[Stella_Omega]

And I'd like to thank all of you for your responses...inadvertently I realize, reading back over this thread, that the very insightful questions and scenarios you all provide has helped me truly better see that I'm looking for two things : firstly, increased connection with my husband centering both in the bedroom and out focusing on a sub role for me - asking to integrate the physical activiies described so neatly this site. He will come into his own...we"ll figure it out. All this put into motion by a few robe ties and a spa!

You want to be tied up and fingered, to put it crudely. explain it to him crudely! Almost anyone will need explicit permission before they do such *gasp* terrible things to someone they have only known in a vanilla context, like, for instance marriage.

Secondly - I want to learn more about the daily relationship side of submission - into even our every day life. I feel like many of our conflicts, should I explore "my flavor" of submission- may be minimized and maybe our friction will be lessened - maybe we'll be closer.

Each question or bit of feedback has really helped. Thanks all...

If you say "Yes Master" to every single thing someone else says, then of course friction will disappear. It might work for you, it might not. Personally, I would have to have a hella lot of confidence in my partner's wisdom and decision making skills.

 

[KoPilot]

Wait... you went to a luxury spa for a massage, and the masseuse ended up using spa robe belts for impromptu bondage? I hate to sound like a boorish prude here, but that was a serious violation of professional ethics. You were in a vulnerable position (nude/draped), and the masseuse took advantage of their position of power - erotic awakening, or not.

Yeah, please report his behavior to the spa, OP. Please, please, please. You wouldn't want him doing that to the someone else for whom such an experience would be a traumatic assault.