Looking to expand my mind

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Espbdsm?

Not to make light of her situation, but...
This made me giggle

 

[bykerhunny83]

Is it possible that because he's only read stories, watched videos, looks at pics and talks to a female friend, and never physically done anything in those stories, videos, pics, and texts, that he actually doesn't know what he wants? That by telling me I have to follow through with being more dominant he is looking to explore/learn too? I just wish I could figure out why he doesn't even want to talk about it. If I send him a pic of what I want to try to do with him, he doesn't respond - just ignores me or gets pissy with me.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

To answer a question with a question, what was sex like before he made it known that he had other interests? Can you take any clues from anything else that has happened in the past? Can you search his browser history and see what he is looking at? That sounds a lot like spying.. ok, it's spying. But if you are determined to make this work you have to get some info, somehow.

 

[bykerhunny83]

He keeps his phone locked and on him 24/7. And he never uses the computer. I can't really see what he is looking at unless he shares a link with me or sends me a pic he found. Prior to knowing his interests sex was always intense - scratching, biting, choking, etc which we still do. All I have to go off of is that he wants me to follow through with the things we've talked about in the past... and when I try, he responds with not tonight.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[bykerhunny83]

He talks to a mutual female friend of ours. Who is the dom in her own marriage. He says he talks to her because she understands the lifestyle and is able to dominate him through texts. He explained to me recently that there is no physical attraction, he doesn't get off from her texts. But that is what he wants with me because I am able to provide the physical end of things. I'm not allowed to see these texts as he says it is none of my business. I believe that would be the best way for me to get inside his head.
When he tells me no - he usually pushes me away or goes into another room. So I believe his nos are really nos. When I ask him if we can try things, he changes the subject. We have not established a safe word because he doesn't want to talk about it.

 

[bykerhunny83]

At this point, if I wanted to begin a text with him, I wouldn't even know how to start... He just doesn't seem to want it

 

[seela]

He keeps his phone locked and on him 24/7. And he never uses the computer. I can't really see what he is looking at unless he shares a link with me or sends me a pic he found. Prior to knowing his interests sex was always intense - scratching, biting, choking, etc which we still do. All I have to go off of is that he wants me to follow through with the things we've talked about in the past... and when I try, he responds with not tonight.

I have to echo Elle, you are being incredibly patient.

The sentence I bolded prompted me to wonder, if it could be that he wants you to force, or "force" the situation. He wants to play hard to get and all coy, but deep down he's just wishing for you to take the reigns no matter what he says. That can be a tricky road to take, especially if he isn't willing to talk about anything at all.

I don't really know what to tell you that hasn't been said already, but maybe you could write him an email, where you tell why the situation doesn't work for you and why you need him to communicate his interests. If he doesn't want to talk to you or hear you say those things, maybe reading them would be easier for him. Showing him this thread might help too.

 

[midwestyankee]

He talks to a mutual female friend of ours. Who is the dom in her own marriage. He says he talks to her because she understands the lifestyle and is able to dominate him through texts. He explained to me recently that there is no physical attraction, he doesn't get off from her texts. But that is what he wants with me because I am able to provide the physical end of things. I'm not allowed to see these texts as he says it is none of my business. I believe that would be the best way for me to get inside his head.
When he tells me no - he usually pushes me away or goes into another room. So I believe his nos are really nos. When I ask him if we can try things, he changes the subject. We have not established a safe word because he doesn't want to talk about it.

I'm beginning to suspect that he's bullshitting you when he says there's no physical attraction with this other woman. Or maybe there's no physical attraction - or contact - but that he has developed an emotional dependence on her that shuts you out. He may not be able to maintain his submission to her and start one with you at the same time.

 

[bykerhunny83]

If that is the case, nothing I do will ever be good enough for him... he will just run to her for a quick conversation...
Every morning I start a text to him... then erase it all because anything I say will just be stupid... starting to feel more lost now than before...

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[bykerhunny83]

Elle
I used to be able to talk to her about anything... get advice... opinions...
Now it is just weird... He told her I know what they talk about... I tried playing it cool with her... "hey i was thinking about trying this - do you think it would drive him crazy" and she says she is not going to talk about my husband with me. So the dynamic has changed.
Her words were that it is nothing but chatter between 2 friends, that they have conversations about the lifestyle and their roles in it, there is no sexual nature, she would not violate your marriage and has no intention of doing so. what they have is not sexting just a conversation about their roles between 2 friends.

And hence, my dilemma... right after talking to her he became a closed box of "figure it out on your own like i did".

That is why I have turned here. I want my husband to forget about her and use me. As selfish as that sounds.

 

[MeekMe]

There could be any number of reasons why he's acting this way. I'm starting to think maybe he's confusing bottoming and submission. Or he feels like if he tells you what he wants it ruins it because now you're not necessarily in control, you're just doing what he told you to do. Maybe he's afraid of topping from the bottom. Or maybe he wants an excuse to be pegged. He needs it to be "forced" on him so he can enjoy it guilt free. "Ah, no, I didn't WANT to be pegged, it's what SHE wanted."

At this point my frustration would be through the roof and I'd tell him if he wants her to dominate him so bad he needs to get the fuck out because I'm not going to compete. He's being incredibly selfish with all of this. Seriously, put your foot down and end this childish game. Tell him he either has a conversation with you or he gets nothing. At this point you're going to be the one hurt because it sounds like he's cheating on you emotionally with this other woman and manipulating you into giving him all the physical stuff he's not getting through her.

I'm amazed with your patience and willingness to try to make him happy. I think you've done a great job so far and I'm flabbergasted by his inability/unwillingness to meet you halfway.

One thing that gets overlooked is that as the top/dominant half you also get to have limits and drawn lines. If you don't like something or you're not satisfied, you still get a say just as he should be telling you the things he's not ok with. If he tells you to stop talking (who does that?) tell him to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down because you need to talk about this:

He loves when I strap on and fuck him. But does not like if I talk - like if i say dont cum until i say you can - he tells me that ruins it.
If he gets off before me, he doesn't do anything to help me get off. He usually is tired and wants to go to sleep. At that point, I lose all excitement/anticipation of my release. If I want to get off, I have to do it myself.

^^^I'm amazed you're still even entertaining the idea after that. He's done nothing but undermine you and trash your confidence. If he wants sex a certain way he needs to put his big boy pants on and talk to you about it. Unfortunately, none of us have the script you need to make things better. (The script doesn't exist)

If that is the case, nothing I do will ever be good enough for him...

Flip it, because at the moment he's not good enough for you, in my eyes.

he will just run to her for a quick conversation...

Sounds like you see this as cheating. Let him know what this is doing to you.

Every morning I start a text to him... then erase it all because anything I say will just be stupid... starting to feel more lost now than before...

Because he's done nothing to meet you and help you and expects you to do all the work while he plays manipulation games. To be honest, you aren't the problem here, stop beating yourself up.

Bring him some resources and tell him to educate himself a little better because the real world is nothing like porn and erotica.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Elle
I used to be able to talk to her about anything... get advice... opinions...
Now it is just weird... He told her I know what they talk about... I tried playing it cool with her... "hey i was thinking about trying this - do you think it would drive him crazy" and she says she is not going to talk about my husband with me. So the dynamic has changed.
Her words were that it is nothing but chatter between 2 friends, that they have conversations about the lifestyle and their roles in it, there is no sexual nature, she would not violate your marriage and has no intention of doing so. what they have is not sexting just a conversation about their roles between 2 friends.

And hence, my dilemma... right after talking to her he became a closed box of "figure it out on your own like i did".

That is why I have turned here. I want my husband to forget about her and use me. As selfish as that sounds.

Selfish? Selfish?! Woman, you are the poster child for caring benevolence!
If there is truly nothing sexual between them, then he is using her as a sympathetic ear so that he can bitch about his relationship with you. That is sometimes necessary. But by her allowing him to do that, but not being willing to offer you her own - her own personal - opinion (not repeat what he says), she is being his friend and not yours. I say offer her the opportunity to give you advice from her heart, one friend to another, again not repeat what your husband has said, and see what happens. mMaybe she can help that way? Or maybe she is not really your friend

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[IrisAlthea]

Elle
I used to be able to talk to her about anything... get advice... opinions...
Now it is just weird... He told her I know what they talk about... I tried playing it cool with her... "hey i was thinking about trying this - do you think it would drive him crazy" and she says she is not going to talk about my husband with me. So the dynamic has changed.
Her words were that it is nothing but chatter between 2 friends, that they have conversations about the lifestyle and their roles in it, there is no sexual nature, she would not violate your marriage and has no intention of doing so. what they have is not sexting just a conversation about their roles between 2 friends.

And hence, my dilemma... right after talking to her he became a closed box of "figure it out on your own like i did".

That is why I have turned here. I want my husband to forget about her and use me. As selfish as that sounds.

Yet I don't think it has much to do with kink or lifestyle.

Would you think this kind of behaviour from your husband and "friend" would be ok under other circumstances?
I'm guessing you wouldn't and it is just as shitty behaviour no matter how much this is about their respective roles etc.

 

[policywank]

In many ways it sounds like he is putting you in a position of having to justify or validate your own feelings and perspectives. And he has set himself up as the arbiter of what is legitimate or not.

It is kind of like a negotiation where you always lose if you accept the proposition that it is incumbent upon you to convince the other party of your point of view. Using that imperfect metaphor, the way forward is often to adopt the opposite approach.

In this case, that amounts to telling him to sit down, shut the fuck up and listen. Start by saying that what you are going to do is give him your perspective and that it isn't open for negotiation or subject to his opinion. He doesn't have to agree or like it but he doesn't get to tell you which of your feelings are valid.

Frankly, if it were me I would go on the offensive. I would adopt the view that all his idiotic little passive aggressive bullshit is just a cowardly attack on you and your perspective. That sexual or otherwise a man going outside his marriage to get what he wants then denigrating his own wife for not being the same as the other woman while simultaneously refusing to tell her what he wants makes him a fucking asshole. An asshole who is pissing and moaning about the imperfections in your efforts when he himself is putting forward no effort at all. Then I would probably lose my shit and tell him that if he gets to go outside the marriage and pick and chose what does or doesn't amount to cheating without communicating that back to you.....then you can too.

I am not sure that would help so you should probably ignore it. The point is that it sounds like you are trapped in the head space where if you could just figure out what he wants it will be ok. But what he wants is for you to keep chasing your tail and giving him the chance to reject you so he doesn't have to look inside himself. It is possible that he is not so much interested in this or that as he is in finding a excuse for his own shortcomings - in a perverse way your efforts validate his idiotic notion that it is you and not he who needs to do more.

As with any such commentary I know nothing of your situation and am more than likely channelling my own experiences which may have no application at all.

 

[SlutAddicted]

He is behaving like a selfish douchebag. Trying harder to please him at this point is like trying to get a spoiled child to stop asking for candy by giving them more. You have to stop accommodating his whining and give him downside (punishment) if he doesn't stop.

Stop explaining and stop asking. He is begging to be dominated, so dominate that whiny little bitch and do it on your terms. But have your punishment ready. When he inevitably complains again - and he will - implement that punishment, don't waiver and make it hurt.

 

[Cumference]

Tie him up like a flank steak roll, and work him over till he talks.

He wants dominance, but will not tell you what kind?
In that case, do exactly what you like, until he (politely) asks for something else.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Tie him up like a flank steak roll, and work him over till he talks.

He wants dominance, but will not tell you what kind?
In that case, do exactly what you like, until he (politely) asks for something else.

So, are you vouching for the satisfaction to be had in being tied up like a flank steak?

 

[MrHappy212]

After reading a few more posts I have realized two things. First, your husband is not only a dick but also a coward. I mean seriously, he is talking to another woman about sex but not his own wife?


The second thing is that this other woman posses an interesting concept. He seems to be spilling her guts to her.... Now you can continue as you've been and ignore this or your could put your foot down, take his phone and force the issue. She won't talk? Well a grow a pair and Make her talk. They want you to be an Alpha Bitch so be one! Maybe then one of them will crack and tell you what you need to know.

Also if your husband claims he is experienced and yet refuses to help you then obviously he doesn't have a clue as to what he is doing. Might be a good idea to teach him properly : ))


Some good advice here

https://dominationsubmission.wordpress.com/

 

[SlutAddicted]

So, are you vouching for the satisfaction to be had in being tied up like a flank steak?

Hmmmm well I can vouch for it - if properly trimmed and marinated.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Many years ago I was involved in a high profile case involving a divorced couple fighting over child custody. Her best friend was a judge. He was a cop. She said he collected child porn. Her new husband was a vice detective.

So we got the ex hubands computer files, assembled a conference room fulla people, and looked at the files on a big screen tv.

All showed her and the ex fucking friends, family, strangers, etc. But no kids. The new husband got his eyes filled.

 

[docile_dancer]

Wow - OP, consider my mind blown... There is a wealth of information here and some incredibly intuitive comments. AMAZING stuff!

Without throwing out the million unproductive assumptions that came to mind and being incredibly redundant, I can only offer this:

He may feel that his communication with this other woman is acceptable since he told you about it after the fact - but is it really okay with you? Also, he has sent you off to uncover information from others - so is he really okay throwing you 'to the wolves' trusting that you won't find someone else? Since he has a confidant and seems to want you to find one, have you discussed bringing other people into the picture?

Finally, since he seems unwilling to share his interests directly, is there a possibility that he might be ashamed of what truly does it for him?

There are no judgements in those questions, just playing devil's advocate. Take care of yourself in your efforts to please him. To this outsider, it all seems incredibly unfair and possible abusive. There is nothing wrong with being a loving spouse, in fact, it's great. But, make sure your needs are being met emotionally...and physically.

And THIS:

As with any such commentary I know nothing of your situation and am more than likely channelling my own experiences which may have no application at all.

(Sorry for the late reply)