looking for your initial reaction

[rainyguy]

hi,

I don't mean to bother anyone but I had a question.

I play around from time to time with different writing exercises simply to see what happens. This last piece of writing surprised me, and I was curious to know your thoughts on this.

I'm not overly concerned with "sexual content" but rather rest of it.
Like I said, this flowed out and when I was through, I was surprised.

click here

 

[kbate]

It contains sections bordering on genious, and others bordering on drivel. Overall I like it but it truly needs polishing and in some places rewriting.

I'm not going to line by line it, but:

His feet sank coldly into the muck. <-- means nothing to me.

She was half tempted to go and eat her lunch fully naked but decided against it. <-- how is 'fully naked' different from naked?

Generally, that is the only thing I found is the adjectives and adverbs that serve little purpose.

 

[rainyguy]

It contains sections bordering on genious, and others bordering on drivel. Overall I like it but it truly needs polishing and in some places rewriting.

I'm not going to line by line it, but:

His feet sank coldly into the muck. <-- means nothing to me.

She was half tempted to go and eat her lunch fully naked but decided against it. <-- how is 'fully naked' different from naked?

Generally, that is the only thing I found is the adjectives and adverbs that serve little purpose.

hey thank you.

No no no, I love criticism, so no worries on hurting my feelings.

I completely agree though, it needs polishing and rewrites in places. But I wrote this simply on a whim and when I was done, I was quite surprised at what I found.

So thanks, I mean that. I normally don't look for feedback but this piece seemed different to me.

 

[rainyguy]

Does anyone have an idea as to what genre this might be classified as?

 

[rainyguy]

okay,

I did an edit, one time through and tried to clean this up.

I think it's better now.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Good!

I would say it is very eloquently descriptive and dazzling bright in the depth and breath of the word and feeling conjunction. But on "the groove". you leave it enigmatic for way too long. It tends to confuse and bore the reader. When you have such a gift for spotlighting the affect of circumstance and operative necessity within the catch of the words, it's hard to expect a foggy enclosure. But you left the object of your paragraph, "the groove" sitting, hanging in the still air. Devoid of action and purpose. Naughty, naughty.

I can't give you a true statement on what is needed, as it seems that you have a natural talent in wordsmithing. But I can say this, spending length and number of words, on a subject only leaves some small purpose to your object of intent. You have to give the object, the center of your story a purpose through it's own credentials of import as well. And it really doesn't take that much. A tiny thought as to why this "groove" is so important to over take his other goals in life. What shape it holds in his obsession with it. And what direction he moves to achieve his desire.

Yes, as I read more of this story, you have given the "groove", very little substantial value and have pretty much pinned yourself into an invisible corner. Just so you will know..., I can feel the tension and the anticipation between the character's. But without a firm beginning it still leaves me just wondering why this "groove" was so important at the very beginning. Just why did you start the story on this single thought and fail to give substance to it?

But in the large sense..., marvelous and reaching subject and definitive interaction between your characters. I like it effortlessly and have read it as effortlessly. It has the ingrained posssibility of making us blindly involved in your story. I must look forward to the completion of this moving work.


http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/whistlemaker/SUN_pipe.jpg

 

[rainyguy]

I would say it is very eloquently descriptive and dazzling bright in the depth and breath of the word and feeling conjunction. But on "the groove". you leave it enigmatic for way too long. It tends to confuse and bore the reader. When you have such a gift for spotlighting the affect of circumstance and operative necessity within the catch of the words, it's hard to expect a foggy enclosure. But you left the object of your paragraph, "the groove" sitting, hanging in the still air. Devoid of action and purpose. Naughty, naughty.

I can't give you a true statement on what is needed, as it seems that you have a natural talent in wordsmithing. But I can say this, spending length and number of words, on a subject only leaves some small purpose to your object of intent. You have to give the object, the center of your story a purpose through it's own credentials of import as well. And it really doesn't take that much. A tiny thought as to why this "groove" is so important to over take his other goals in life. What shape it holds in his obsession with it. And what direction he moves to achieve his desire.

Yes, as I read more of this story, you have given the "groove", very little substantial value and have pretty much pinned yourself into an invisible corner. Just so you will know..., I can feel the tension and the anticipation between the character's. But without a firm beginning it still leaves me just wondering why this "groove" was so important at the very beginning. Just why did you start the story on this single thought and fail to give substance to it?

But in the large sense..., marvelous and reaching subject and definitive interaction between your characters. I like it effortlessly and have read it as effortlessly. It has the ingrained posssibility of making us blindly involved in your story. I must look forward to the completion of this moving work.


http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/whistlemaker/SUN_pipe.jpg

hi there,

thanks for your thoughts!
I don't have time right now to address all I would like as it relates to your comments. But thank you so very much for taking the time to share your views with me. I will come back and write more.

The groove itself, it is the "keystone" to it all.
but you are so extremely right. I left it lacking and I shall remedy that here shortly. The groove itself needs to breathe and live. Currently, it sits there like a dead fish on the plate and smells bad.

So I shall breathe life in to the actual groove.


but the "groove" is the writer's epistemology of creation. or at least it is for me. you see, I see the groove every time I write. I go there, I am there.

but this oddly weird little exercise that I gave little thought in writing, I feel it is asking for length. I shall give it to it.

any how, I have to run.

thanks again.

 

[rainyguy]

I would say it is very eloquently descriptive and dazzling bright in the depth and breath of the word and feeling conjunction. But on "the groove". you leave it enigmatic for way too long. It tends to confuse and bore the reader. When you have such a gift for spotlighting the affect of circumstance and operative necessity within the catch of the words, it's hard to expect a foggy enclosure. But you left the object of your paragraph, "the groove" sitting, hanging in the still air. Devoid of action and purpose. Naughty, naughty.

I can't give you a true statement on what is needed, as it seems that you have a natural talent in wordsmithing. But I can say this, spending length and number of words, on a subject only leaves some small purpose to your object of intent. You have to give the object, the center of your story a purpose through it's own credentials of import as well. And it really doesn't take that much. A tiny thought as to why this "groove" is so important to over take his other goals in life. What shape it holds in his obsession with it. And what direction he moves to achieve his desire.

Yes, as I read more of this story, you have given the "groove", very little substantial value and have pretty much pinned yourself into an invisible corner. Just so you will know..., I can feel the tension and the anticipation between the character's. But without a firm beginning it still leaves me just wondering why this "groove" was so important at the very beginning. Just why did you start the story on this single thought and fail to give substance to it?

But in the large sense..., marvelous and reaching subject and definitive interaction between your characters. I like it effortlessly and have read it as effortlessly. It has the ingrained posssibility of making us blindly involved in your story. I must look forward to the completion of this moving work.


http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/whistlemaker/SUN_pipe.jpg

hello again,

All right, I have a bit more time right now and wanted to reply with some thought to what you wrote.

I went back through that piece and expounded some on the "Groove" in its description. I don't think it's quite right yet, but it is getting closer. Thank you for the kind words you said about my writing, I appreciate your thoughts on that matter. So this piece, this initial chapter was the working title of "The thinking place" and as I have just said, it is but a mere chapter in something much larger. I see it as a brick in a wall, but this particular brick is on the bottom and it needs to be strong to hold up the rest of the bricks which will come.

But I see the Groove as this horrible place of creation. You can not go there without sacrificing something. But the rewards of going there, of walking that foul Groove to its end, is to find inspiration and creation. That is why the character goes there, to find his "voice" to find his "need" in relation to creating. The piece I have posted here has an interesting twist which is not visible yet. This first chapter, this "beginning" is still unreal. As it is called the "thinking place" I feel it is a tease of sorts. The following chapters shall shed the light of "true reality" as it relates to untrue reality. This chapter is still in the mind of the writer, the man at the picnic table. I see it as two levels of consciousness, the picnic table is the first level in the writers mind, the Groove is the organic level, the bottom level, where he finds that spark of inspiration to create something fresh and new.

The following chapters would show the real world with characters mirroring these two first characters we have been introduced, but they are not quite as they appear in this first chapter. Reflections and mirrors of things and people.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Ummmmmmmm, Yeah!

Good analogy! I like the scructure you put together mentally on this. I really tink this is going to be good! I can't wait for the finished project!

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/whistlemaker/SUN_pipe.jpg