Looking for verbal criticism because ratings aren't enough

[LucilleCF]

This is the story I want feedback on:
https://www.literotica.com/s/indecent-proposals-at-30-000-feet-micheals-dream
(6,000 words)


It is an addendum to this story:
https://www.literotica.com/s/indecent-proposals-at-30-000-feet
(13,000 words)

I am well aware that I have plenty room to grow as a writer, so honesty is very welcome.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I read the addendum story. Not bad at all - good action, good dialogue; if there were any editorial glitches the effective story-telling carried the story such that I didn't notice them. The only thing I found a bit odd, to be honest, was your spelling of Micheal - I would normally expect to see Michael. Because of that, it became a visual hiccup for me. But that's a minor quibble. You can write. Keep going .

 

[LucilleCF]

I read the addendum story. Not bad at all - good action, good dialogue; if there were any editorial glitches the effective story-telling carried the story such that I didn't notice them. The only thing I found a bit odd, to be honest, was your spelling of Micheal - I would normally expect to see Michael. Because of that, it became a visual hiccup for me. But that's a minor quibble. You can write. Keep going .

Thank you for the feedback.
I only used 'Micheal' because I've met a few guys with that name (and spelling) in my life. I've only recently learned that many consider it to be a 'typo-name'.

 

[8letters]

I started reading the initial story. It's definitely a slow start, which can be okay. My stories have slow starts. You gave us a long introduction to Kat and Micheal. Sadly, Micheal isn't an appealing character. Kat could pick almost anyone for her boyfriend, and there doesn't seem to be reason why she picked Micheal. His feet are killing him from walking around an airport? Walking fifty feet to get something for his smoking hot girlfriend is too much for him? Really? Is he fat, lazy and out of shape?

"Because I know your feet hurt and I want to torture you," she said with an impish grin on her face.

"Bitch."

I guess this is suppose to seem like playful banter, but it sounds like she's fed up with his shit.

You've got all this set up, but you don't give some very basic information. Why are Kat and Micheal going to Dubai? It's not high on my list of destinations for college-age couples to go to. Who's paying for the trip? Are both of them still in college? If so, what's their plans for beyond college? If not, what work are they doing? They've been dating for almost three years - how serious are they? Are they living together? Are they talking about getting engaged?

I stopped reading once they got the envelopes. At that point, my knowledge of Kat and Micheal was so shallow that I couldn't have start to put myself into their shoes.

You had the elements of a good story. I feel like you had a picture of Kat and Micheal in your head that you forget to put down in your story. And because I didn't know very much about them, the rest of the story lacked appeal.

 

[KeithD]

Verbal (spoken) response is pretty hard to give here.

 

[LucilleCF]

Why are Kat and Micheal going to Dubai? It's not high on my list of destinations for college-age couples to go to. Who's paying for the trip? Are both of them still in college? If so, what's their plans for beyond college? If not, what work are they doing? They've been dating for almost three years - how serious are they? Are they living together? Are they talking about getting engaged?

Judging from your questions, it doesn't appear that you gave my story a fair read. This paragraph from before they got the envelopes answers several of them.

If there were any justice in the world, a pair of poor college students like us would have been listening to crying babies in coach where we belonged, but we got lucky when I entered a draw for a five night, all expenses paid trip for two to Dubai. The only thing left for us to do was sit back and enjoy the ride.

I didn't think about their plans for after college because they seemed unimportant to the story.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback, I guess. Sorry it wasn't to your liking.

 

[LucilleCF]

Verbal (spoken) response is pretty hard to give here.

Touché

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

It was a fun read; well written and enjoyable! And an interesting reversal on the typical billionaire indecent proposal story. Thanks for sharing your story!

But it seems that you want more in depth criticism than just whether the story is a fun read. So, throwing in my two cents.

1. If Kat's an IG model with 200k followers, she either a) bought the followers, or b) is used to pimping herself out to some degree for essentially very little pay or, at best, free samples and comps to reach that level of success. Which means: she's probably willing to do a lot for very little compensation. Why, then, is she petulant, and quite a bit insulting, to Derica for offering her tens of millions of dollars for twelve hours' kinky sex in first class? When Derica offered fifty million and they were still perturbed, to me, that really came across as jumping the shark.... The numbers quickly got a bit unbelievable.

2. JFK first class and Dubai are two places where even the most famous celebrities go almost completely unnoticed. Because you picked those two locations, to me, it was really a stretch (pun intended) that Kat was the center of attention just because she's hot and doing yoga/wearing yoga pants. This may be a personal nitpicking and I apologize if it's too specific; but that being said, I fly FC fairly regularly in/out of NYC and the FC customers really don't take that much notice of each other. It's mainly business people flying on points and large families of well-to-do people (almost always with lots of little kids in tow) and celebrities that wanna be left alone.

3. TBH I found it unbelievable that Derica is even sitting in the JFK lounge at all, or even taking a commercial flight. For safety and privacy, and especially if it's her own airline, it didn't make sense to me that she's not flying privately. Something you might consider instead is having Derica see Micheal and Kat in the JFK lounge, but then have the Asian stewardess make them an offer to join her on her private jet before FC boarding begins.

4. It doesn't make sense that Derica gives Micheal and Kat $10k cash to meet with her during a commercial flight on the airline she owns. Mainly; since Derica is taking a flight from JFK, she's subject to the same laws as any other FAA/TSA sufferer including those pesky rules about carrying more than $10k on you, and getting caught with that (or, for bribing two passengers) could expose her to a lot of liability.

5. Multi-trillionaire just isn't believable. To put it in perspective, Crown Prince Bin Salam is the CEO of a $250B Saudi investment fund. That's oil money. If it were me, I'd make Derica the CEO of multi-billion dollar Queen Airlines.

But all in all, really... meh; my opinions here are probably worth a penny versus two cents. Because, obviously, a billionaire indecent proposal story is gonna be far-fetched and require lots of suspension of disbelief--it's supposed to be! And your story hit the nail squarely on the head

 

[SynSlave]

So, i just finished reading both. Let me start off by saying I disagree 100% with the author's note that said you don't need to read the first story. They're obviously a dysfunctional couple (Michael and kat). The fist story is written first person from his POV and the second, hers.

First story: I read comments first and while it's loosely similar to the classic indecent proposal, there's little of the ethical or moral melodrama. I read the first story almost like a pressure game show situation. But instead of briefly struggling over eating mealworms to win 25k it was sex for 250k. Probably more fun and appropriate for here that way anyway.

I didn't have trouble with the premise or actions during the the build up. Didn't think how superficial there relationship was supposed to be until after I read the second, but as I said - they really go together imo.

Little things like uneccessary dialogue/interaction with a butleresque flight attendant I could have done with out, but that's me nitpicking over personal preference.

The only real issue I have is when you largely dropped into third person during the sex scene. This is Michael's POV and I forgot (the reader, not the girls) that he was still in the room until one of them talked to him at the end. Either a redux of the main character to the point it's mechanically third person perspective, or maybe you got caught up in the action between the girls and forgot about your POV narrator there for a bit. I mean... he's the one watching... he's the one narrating... and we get nothing from him. Swing and miss for (or with) Michael.

The first story lacks much in the way of each character's thought process in general (and that's fine- it doesn't have to have the chemistry a drama would), but the sex scene really lacks personal insight completely (all I got was Kat swinging erratically from one extreme to the other from the quadrapeligic brainless-boy's incredible line of sight - Aka michael) and that alone made it hard for me to enjoy.

But in the second story you finally delivered that writing from Kat's POV. And maybe because you made it more straightforward - it worked, IF you combine it with the first story.

Structure wise they were both fine - few typos and I had to reread a bit but it was pretty well written in that regard.

It was interesting - the way you designed it. Think you could fine tune it yourself to make it blend better the next time you try the concept again (one pov and then the other), and thanks for writing!

 

[LucilleCF]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have taken much of it to heart. Here's hoping my future stories reflect that.

Cheers!

 

[Maeven_quinn]

I enjoyed the central idea. Rich supervillain forces kinky, reluctant, orgasms with a orgasm beeping device. Forces boyfriend to watch.

Yea, things were over the top in everything from money to orgasmic frequency.

The core idea is still good, and I hope you can work it into a future story.

 

[wxpprnpprnt]

I'm not an expert by any means, but I'll have a go if you're asking. I thought both stories were well written and well constructed.

My only criticisms:

1- The "ding" thing kind of annoyed me in the first story. You can write orgasms well, I wish you'd relied more on that. Some of them were just "dings". Fewer instances, benefiting from your full talents, would perhaps have been better.

2- The initial scenes in the airport with the couple were not so effective for me. I felt like I couldn't "see" them and those scenes didn't really develop them much. I might have started more abruptly, maybe with the invitation on the airplane. I didn't really care how they got on the airplane or why. I'd just omit it or mention it later if it came up.

3- In the second story (the one you actually requested feedback on) everything was better, but the last bit felt rushed. I felt like the surprise in the hotel room could have been its own story. The section of the women talking together and getting closer could have happened over more time (a few days in Dubai?), possibly as a separate third story, ending in the decision to leave the boyfriend. There is so much change in the younger woman, expanding that last bit may have allowed for an exploration of unexpected emotions or change within the older woman as well. I don't mind Micheal being a bit of a prop, some of us must be consigned to such roles for any stories to stand out.

4- I guess I could make some complaints about matters of style or personal preferences I have. However, I think the fact that I enjoyed and read both stories through despite these differences is proof that the quality your writing overcame them, and that is high praise.

 

[Jada59]

I started reading the initial story. It's definitely a slow start, which can be okay. My stories have slow starts. You gave us a long introduction to Kat and Micheal. Sadly, Micheal isn't an appealing character. Kat could pick almost anyone for her boyfriend, and there doesn't seem to be reason why she picked Micheal. His feet are killing him from walking around an airport? Walking fifty feet to get something for his smoking hot girlfriend is too much for him? Really? Is he fat, lazy and out of shape?


I guess this is suppose to seem like playful banter, but it sounds like she's fed up with his shit.

You've got all this set up, but you don't give some very basic information. Why are Kat and Micheal going to Dubai? It's not high on my list of destinations for college-age couples to go to. Who's paying for the trip? Are both of them still in college? If so, what's their plans for beyond college? If not, what work are they doing? They've been dating for almost three years - how serious are they? Are they living together? Are they talking about getting engaged?

I stopped reading once they got the envelopes. At that point, my knowledge of Kat and Micheal was so shallow that I couldn't have start to put myself into their shoes.

You had the elements of a good story. I feel like you had a picture of Kat and Micheal in your head that you forget to put down in your story. And because I didn't know very much about them, the rest of the story lacked appeal.

I agree with most of what you said, but I believe I read that they won the trip in some contest.

The "Micheal" spelling caused me to have a hard time focusing on anything else. And the bad feet and crappy shoes bothered me too.

What I couldn't figure out was the money aspect. That made no sense to me at all.

 

[8letters]

I agree with most of what you said, but I believe I read that they won the trip in some contest.

It was there. I expected some explanation of why they were traveling to Dubai early on in the story and missed it when I read it as it wasn't were I was expecting it and was part of an awkward paragraph.

What I couldn't figure out was the money aspect. That made no sense to me at all.

To me, people think about money more than they think about sex. In my stories, I try to get the main characters' economic situation established very early. At one point, Micheal describes him and Kat as poor college students, but most college students think of themselves as poor. Are they poor as in they are working 30 hours a week in near minimum wage jobs while going to college and so barely can pay the rent every month? Or poor as in they money they get from their parents each month doesn't allow to live as comfortably as they do at home? Even on a paid-for trip, there'll be incidental expenses like airport food and mementos. How much money do Micheal and Kat have for incidental expenses?

In a story that's mainly about what you're willing to do for money, how desperate you are for money is pretty damn important.