Looking for some feedback

[jomar]

Hello everybody...I'm usually in the AH and Story Feedback forums. After cleaning out a file cabinet and discovering some old letters, I was inspired to write a couple of non-erotic poems; For Awhile and Threads. I'm curious what authors who lean more toward the poetry side of writing think about them.

They are from the heart and don't follow any particular structure that I'm aware of. If you do read them please go ahead and take a moment to vote whether or not you leave a comment there or feedback here.

For Awhile

Threads

Thank you.

 

[BluePoet]

Threads is the better of the two.
For Awhile is, in spots, cliché and a bit abstract. It will probably be best appreciated by the person you wrote it for/about.

 

[jomar]

Threads is the better of the two.
For Awhile is, in spots, cliché and a bit abstract. It will probably be best appreciated by the person you wrote it for/about.

I don't read much poetry, so I'll take your word for it on it as to parts being cliche. Interesting that you thought For Awhile was more abstract than Threads, if that's what you meant. I sort of thought it was the other way around. But then again, I'm too close to it.

Thanks for taking the time to read them and give me feedback, BluePoet.

 

[BluePoet]

I don't read much poetry, so I'll take your word for it on it as to parts being cliche. Interesting that you thought For Awhile was more abstract than Threads, if that's what you meant. I sort of thought it was the other way around. But then again, I'm too close to it.

Thanks for taking the time to read them and give me feedback, BluePoet.

I just said it was the better of the two.

 

[Tzara]

I don't read much poetry, so I'll take your word for it on it as to parts being cliche. Interesting that you thought For Awhile was more abstract than Threads, if that's what you meant. I sort of thought it was the other way around. But then again, I'm too close to it.

Thanks for taking the time to read them and give me feedback, BluePoet.

Hey, jomar. Welcome to the PF&D forum.

I am a bit curious about your comment "I don't read much poetry..." I really don't mean to be obnoxious by this question, but it is probably going to sound aggressive and snotty. But, sorry, I am curious. If you don't know much about poetry, why do you think you can write it?

Please note that I am not saying your poems are bad. I will comment on them below. I am just interested in why, with your implication that you don't know much about poetry, you think you can write it. I hope that isn't an asshole question.

OK. Your poems. I agree with BluePoet.

"For Awhile" is, I think, pretty generic. You are descriptive of the relationship, but not in a way that is at all interesting to someone else. It is more like a narrative of a relationship that went awry. Telling a friend, perhaps. That doesn't help a reader feel anything about the relationship—I don't, as a reader, identify with or empathize with or sympathize with, the event.

"Threads" is better, I think, as it has a concrete metaphor and shows some care in the line breaks. The problem with it is that I am not sure what you're trying to say.

But there you are in good company. I often don't understand what poets are trying to say.

That one has potential. You just need to clarify what you want to say.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

Hey, jomar. Welcome to the PF&D forum.

I am a bit curious about your comment "I don't read much poetry..." I really don't mean to be obnoxious by this question, but it is probably going to sound aggressive and snotty. But, sorry, I am curious. If you don't know much about poetry, why do you think you can write it?

Inspiration uber Alles

Please note that I am not saying your poems are bad. I will comment on them below. I am just interested in why, with your implication that you don't know much about poetry, you think you can write it. I hope that isn't an asshole question.

T-guy, my guess:
You won't get an answer, even an asshole one (except for mine) Direct questions are perceived as threats by those that don't know much about poetry, especially by those that can't even admit that they don't know much about poetry. That is a good sign, jomar, the admission, the thanking for honest feedback.

Wow, look at all the H's, I can write better than that.

Those good signs disqualify you for entrance into the Order of the Ignoranti, the New World Boredom.
I say, more Cliché
more Cliché, throw another Cliché
on the fire, burning brite
threw out the nite
that is the way to inspire
zmpft

jomar, this is not aimed at you, a satire on what to avoid, if you do want to write.

 

[jomar]

Hey, jomar. Welcome to the PF&D forum.

I am a bit curious about your comment "I don't read much poetry..." I really don't mean to be obnoxious by this question, but it is probably going to sound aggressive and snotty. But, sorry, I am curious. If you don't know much about poetry, why do you think you can write it?

Please note that I am not saying your poems are bad. I will comment on them below. I am just interested in why, with your implication that you don't know much about poetry, you think you can write it. I hope that isn't an asshole question.

Hi Tzara...Ha! I don't claim to to be able to write poetry. In fact, I'm trying to learn how to write good stories (I'm in the middle of a long one that's forcing me to learn more than I thought I wanted to know). Anyway, my efforts were all about what MyNecroticSnail said - inspiration. It popped into my head and had to get out.

OK. Your poems. I agree with BluePoet.

"For Awhile" is, I think, pretty generic. You are descriptive of the relationship, but not in a way that is at all interesting to someone else. It is more like a narrative of a relationship that went awry. Telling a friend, perhaps. That doesn't help a reader feel anything about the relationship—I don't, as a reader, identify with or empathize with or sympathize with, the event.

"Threads" is better, I think, as it has a concrete metaphor and shows some care in the line breaks. The problem with it is that I am not sure what you're trying to say.

But there you are in good company. I often don't understand what poets are trying to say.

That one has potential. You just need to clarify what you want to say.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll give this some thought. As for Threads, it's about the small things in a relationship, things that at first don't matter or are overlooked, but under strain become annoying at best. And because of hurt and anger, the choices people make to attack and defend instead of listen and understand. Finally, the relationship unravels even though neither party may really want it to end.

 

[jomar]

Inspiration uber Alles

That is a good sign, jomar, the admission, the thanking for honest feedback.

Wow, look at all the H's, I can write better than that.

Those good signs disqualify you for entrance into the Order of the Ignoranti, the New World Boredom.

Thanks, I think. I'm not sure what the reference to the H's means though.

 

[jomar]

Bump 'cause I'm interested.

Bad haikus plea...

 

[darkerdreamer]

Bump 'cause I'm interested.

Bad haikus plea...

Interested in thoughts on the haikus, or the linked poetry in the first post?

Well, on the haikus: Plugging your work in unrelated threads... bad boy! (I'm waggling my finger, you just can't see it.)

As for the linked work:

For Awhile -

As a note, I've found 'listing' to be a most despised technique in the eyes of most poets, I fall victim to this frequently. (ex. Generous and loving[,] Playful and seductive)

Many of the scenes given (ex. Together at Christmas[,] We were closer than ever) do not give enough information to form a visual for a third-party reader unfamiliar with your life. I find myself wondering, "Where were you together? In what ways were you closer than ever?" By answering these questions, you may be able to eliminate many clichés effortlessly. Just a thought.

Threads -

As expressed by others, I found this poem to be the better of the two. Why? In a few lines, you managed to tell volumes more than your other poem. Also, this poem contains some foreign metaphors which caused me to read this poem a second and a third time (a very, very good thing). (ex. a target[,] or lure) The main reason I liked this piece, though; you express your own style. In "For Awhile", I could have imagined a hundred other poets writing that exact same piece, with "Threads", I can imagine only one poet capable, you. One of the greatest difficulties faced by any writer is establishing their personal style, you have taken great steps in doing so with this piece.

There you go, two cents from an untalented writer. That’s like... one cent.

 

[jomar]

Interested in thoughts on the haikus, or the linked poetry in the first post?

Well, on the haikus: Plugging your work in unrelated threads... bad boy! (I'm waggling my finger, you just can't see it.)

As for the linked work:

For Awhile -

As a note, I've found 'listing' to be a most despised technique in the eyes of most poets, I fall victim to this frequently. (ex. Generous and loving[,] Playful and seductive)

Many of the scenes given (ex. Together at Christmas[,] We were closer than ever) do not give enough information to form a visual for a third-party reader unfamiliar with your life. I find myself wondering, "Where were you together? In what ways were you closer than ever?" By answering these questions, you may be able to eliminate many clichés effortlessly. Just a thought.

Threads -

As expressed by others, I found this poem to be the better of the two. Why? In a few lines, you managed to tell volumes more than your other poem. Also, this poem contains some foreign metaphors which caused me to read this poem a second and a third time (a very, very good thing). (ex. a target[,] or lure) The main reason I liked this piece, though; you express your own style. In "For Awhile", I could have imagined a hundred other poets writing that exact same piece, with "Threads", I can imagine only one poet capable, you. One of the greatest difficulties faced by any writer is establishing their personal style, you have taken great steps in doing so with this piece.

There you go, two cents from an untalented writer. That’s like... one cent.

Thank you darkerdreamer, your feedback is helpful. But for the record, I wasn't plugging (promoting) the poems, just lamenting about the limited feedback and begging for some. Won't happen again, I promise.

 

[WickedEve]

Thank you darkerdreamer, your feedback is helpful. But for the record, I wasn't plugging (promoting) the poems, just lamenting about the limited feedback and begging for some. Won't happen again, I promise.

We've had some "begging for feedback" threads. I think there was a "begging for votes" thread, too. Anyway, I don't think they worked out that well. It seems to work best when you leave feedback for others. Then they're more inclined to return the favor.

 

[jomar]

We've had some "begging for feedback" threads. I think there was a "begging for votes" thread, too. Anyway, I don't think they worked out that well. It seems to work best when you leave feedback for others. Then they're more inclined to return the favor.

True. I've done that in the story feedback forum. I'm even less qualified to give feedback on poems. If I get inspired to write more poetry, I'll give some back. I do appreciate people taking the time to respond here. Curiously, the poems have gotten a lot more reads with this thread, but only one vote. Not sure what to make of that.

 

[WickedEve]

True. I've done that in the story feedback forum. I'm even less qualified to give feedback on poems. If I get inspired to write more poetry, I'll give some back. I do appreciate people taking the time to respond here. Curiously, the poems have gotten a lot more reads with this thread, but only one vote. Not sure what to make of that.

You don't need to be qualified to comment on poetry. At least, it doesn't stop a lot of people. I keep commenting. ha

Vote? Oh... voting. I haven't. Not yet.

 

[WickedEve]

Left feedback on Threads.

 

[darkerdreamer]

Thank you darkerdreamer, your feedback is helpful. But for the record, I wasn't plugging (promoting) the poems, just lamenting about the limited feedback and begging for some. Won't happen again, I promise.

I was just poking at you a little bit, WE couldn't be more correct about feedback, though. Give and ye shall receive and so forth.