Looking for some feedback on my first story...

[Baloo the Bear]

Hi all...

Just put up my first story... already have my second one submitted and am about to start the third... would appreciate any feedback good or bad anyone would like to offer.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=142259

Thanks,

Baloo the Bear

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Read your story, and it was a very good food/sex fantasy.

It was hot and sensual, and the food was used creatively. There were a couple of times where you had both characters speaking in one paragprah, but it wasn't really noticable.

I guess the only thing would be to know more about Ken and Shay and what their relationship was. From the comments at the end of the story, I gathered that this was a description of something that really happened, or a fantasy written for a particular girl, and so you really didn't have to describe the relationship because you both understand it. It kind of cheats us of some depth of understanding about what it all means, but that's hardly a fatal flaw in a story like this.

Good story.

---dr.M.

 

[Baloo the Bear]

re: story feedback

Thanks for the feedback... you'reabsolutely right about the need for character development, but I think that I was so anxious to get the first story up and kicking that I let this one go before its time. Glad to see you think I'm on the right track aside from that.