Looking for some advice...

[KarmicKoala]

I don't know if this is where I should post this or not so here goes.

Online it seems that I am very submissive and have been such for a *VERY* long time. However, when I try to move it into real life, I rebel like mad. I don't mean to. I don't want to. And as such, it's turned my SO off to the idea of BDSM even though it's very much what She wants too.

Can anyone help me to overcome my stubbornness and prideful ways?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[KarmicKoala]

It seems we tend to go whole hog. And we've talked about it a lot. We're on the same page about where W/we want to go with my submission and W/we always seem to go great for about a week and fall out of it after that.

 

[nh23]

I don't know if this is where I should post this or not so here goes.

Online it seems that I am very submissive and have been such for a *VERY* long time. However, when I try to move it into real life, I rebel like mad. I don't mean to. I don't want to. And as such, it's turned my SO off to the idea of BDSM even though it's very much what She wants too.

Can anyone help me to overcome my stubbornness and prideful ways?

Online and reality are two very different things. Not that you don't know that..but sometimes our fantasy's and reality don't mesh. Other than that I can't really help. Hopefully someone else can. To me being submissive is just a part of me. I don't have to work at it. I want to please him all the time. I am a very independent and outspoken person, but I have no problem obeying when I'm told too. Sometimes I may need to discuss things and in the dynamic I'm in that's ok. In the end though I never have a problem doing what is asked of me. Are you sure this is what you want in real life? Is that maybe why a part of you rebels?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[KarmicKoala]

"... go great for a week ... "

Mistress used to leave a list of about 5 things for me to do around the house each day or every other day. Over time though it evaporated. I haven't had a list to do for about 2 months now.

Of course, I have just started back to school but I still have plenty of time to do stuff that she would put on that list.

Maybe I just need a paradigm shift. Maybe I don't fully know the extent of 24/7 TPE. Maybe I just need to talk with some other people (like I'm doing now) to find out what types of things constitute submission in their relationships.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not sure anyone can give you a magic formula as it requires you doing some soul searching to discover what it is which makes you rebel...and truthfully only you will know and be able to answer that. It also depends which activities you are into, how much demand is being placed on you, whether you feel anything back in return etc. If you are both jumping in at the deep end with you being expected to push very hard against what you are used to, it could explain part of the difficulty.

I don't really believe anyone who submits, and then seeks help when they are having difficulties actually has a problem with their submission or commitment. What I mean by that is you are experiencing difficulties at the moment, but it doesn't seem to be because you are not committed to fulfilling this role and place in your SO's life, but more so you are having difficulty with how to maintain that state over an extended period of time. IMHO, this is not always about how submissive you are but often about the activities involved and whether they either trigger reactions in you, and/or are beyond what you feel capable of at this moment.

I have been told since forever (and not just by those in the lifestyle or who know my choice of lifestyle) that I am one of the most submissive people others have met, but there are moments when I struggle to submit to particular things. That is often because the the act in question is extremely difficult for me on some personal level, and nothing to do with not wanting to please or not being submissive enough. Of course you will get those who tell you it is just a matter of submitting and if you were a good submissive and wanted to please you would not have a problem...that is either BS or coming from someone who has only ever been ordered to do things which their PYL know is going to be possible, not someone who has been challenged very much and struggled with their own demons to succeed in carrying it out. Submission does challenge you in many ways, at least the type submission I am interested in, and it is not possible to always love what you are doing, and sometimes it is not possible to do particular things at a given moment for a variety of reasons. Look at what might be triggering your reactions, then you will have something to go on in terms of working through it.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[catalina_francisco]

"... go great for a week ... "

Mistress used to leave a list of about 5 things for me to do around the house each day or every other day. Over time though it evaporated. I haven't had a list to do for about 2 months now.

Is it possible you feel you need more reinforcement of what you need to be doing, more direct instructions on a regular basis as opposed to being left to carry on with little direction or perhaps what might seem, interest? If so, it may be more a matter of expressing that and seeing if you can come to some compromise which aids you in your submission and reinforces the role for you on a daily basis.

Catalina

 

[nh23]

I'm not sure anyone can give you a magic formula as it requires you doing some soul searching to discover what it is which makes you rebel...and truthfully only you will know and be able to answer that. It also depends which activities you are into, how much demand is being placed on you, whether you feel anything back in return etc. If you are both jumping in at the deep end with you being expected to push very hard against what you are used to, it could explain part of the difficulty.

I don't really believe anyone who submits, and then seeks help when they are having difficulties actually has a problem with their submission or commitment. What I mean by that is you are experiencing difficulties at the moment, but it doesn't seem to be because you are not committed to fulfilling this role and place in your SO's life, but more so you are having difficulty with how to maintain that state over an extended period of time. IMHO, this is not always about how submissive you are but often about the activities involved and whether they either trigger reactions in you, and/or are beyond what you feel capable of at this moment.

I have been told since forever (and not just by those in the lifestyle or who know my choice of lifestyle) that I am one of the most submissive people others have met, but there are moments when I struggle to submit to particular things. That is often because the the act in question is extremely difficult for me on some personal level, and nothing to do with not wanting to please or not being submissive enough. Of course you will get those who tell you it is just a matter of submitting and if you were a good submissive and wanted to please you would not have a problem...that is either BS or coming from someone who has only ever been ordered to do things which their PYL know is going to be possible, not someone who has been challenged very much and struggled with their own demons to succeed in carrying it out. Submission does challenge you in many ways, at least the type submission I am interested in, and it is not possible to always love what you are doing, and sometimes it is not possible to do particular things at a given moment for a variety of reasons. Look at what might be triggering your reactions, then you will have something to go on in terms of working through it.

Catalina

*nods* It also depends on the type of dynamic I think. In the dynamic I'm in I have to option to discuss things when I have an issue. Sometimes he takes the issues I have in consideration and re evaluates, sometimes what he is asking stays the same, but I know that he has at least listened to my concerns. That makes it a lot easier for me. I have a times done things in tears because I didn't want to do them..but my desire to please over ruled my emotion. I don't think it's always easy, far from it..but in the end I always end up doing what is asked.

 

[catalina_francisco]

*nods* It also depends on the type of dynamic I think. In the dynamic I'm in I have to option to discuss things when I have an issue. Sometimes he takes the issues I have in consideration and re evaluates, sometimes what he is asking stays the same, but I know that he has at least listened to my concerns. That makes it a lot easier for me. I have a times done things in tears because I didn't want to do them..but my desire to please over ruled my emotion. I don't think it's always easy, far from it..but in the end I always end up doing what is asked.

You're fortunate, and yes, it can be about dynamics. I am also allowed to discuss any problems I might be having, but that doesn't mean he is going to let me off that easy and truthfully, if he didn't push me not only would I never go any further, but I would lose a certain amount of respect for him as it would seem too much like all I had to do was say 'it is too difficult for me to do x because of y' and he would change his plans and desires to fit that. He does on occasion give me some time to get there, and gives me support and help in getting there, but part of what we agreed to was there would be times I would be asked and expected to do things which were beyond uncomfortable or difficult, and he would not be interested in playing nice. I wouldn't say it is usually a case of me not wanting to do something as much as being unable to for either psychological or physical reasons. LOL, of course I do remember those early days when this was not a problem, and I thought he was challenging me plenty, but my ability to do them no matter how I felt about it showed me the difference between then and now. I will get there, just it will take longer and a lot of work for both of us, and yes, it has changed me a lot in many ways.

Catalina

 

[KarmicKoala]

I think part of the problem does lie in the fact that I *DESPISED* some of the tasks she had given me. Granted they needed to be done, and I did them but it seemed to put me in a bad mood afterward.

I've been trying self-hypnosis to help rid myself of those spiteful feelings but it doesn't seem to be working.

I will have to talk with her about it again and see if we can come up with an action plan. I really do want to be a lifestyle submissive and eventually a slave ... I guess I'm going to have to take it one baby step at a time.

Thanks for your help so far. I'd value any more input anybody else has. If you've been in a similar situation I'd love to hear from you.

 

[nh23]

You're fortunate, and yes, it can be about dynamics. I am also allowed to discuss any problems I might be having, but that doesn't mean he is going to let me off that easy and truthfully, if he didn't push me not only would I never go any further, but I would lose a certain amount of respect for him as it would seem too much like all I had to do was say 'it is too difficult for me to do x because of y' and he would change his plans and desires to fit that. He does on occasion give me some time to get there, and gives me support and help in getting there, but part of what we agreed to was there would be times I would be asked and expected to do things which were beyond uncomfortable or difficult, and he would not be interested in playing nice. I wouldn't say it is usually a case of me not wanting to do something as much as being unable to for either psychological or physical reasons. LOL, of course I do remember those early days when this was not a problem, and I thought he was challenging me plenty, but my ability to do them no matter how I felt about it showed me the difference between then and now. I will get there, just it will take longer and a lot of work for both of us, and yes, it has changed me a lot in many ways.

Catalina

Yes the dynamic between yourself and F is M/s. The dynamic I'm in is D/s. I'm also poly and have a husband and children. I'm sure there are huge differences. There are some things I wouldn't be able to do no matter what. I guess I should have said that when I said I always do as he asks. He is of course aware of my husband and children and doesn't ask for things he knows I cannot do. If he did..well It would have to mean the end of the relationship. I wouldn't be able to give him what he needed. I'm not sure if the OP is in a TPE or not...

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[nh23]

******

Lol..*nods* I think that's what I've been trying to say. You just put things so much better CM..

 

[Chicklet]

If the tasks put you in a bad mood, maybe more communication about them is needed.

There are some things that are just never going to be neutral for some people, and will always put you into either a positive or negative head-space. I think the key for me in those instances is to almost over-communicate exactly how I feel about those things, so that when they are assigned, I at least would know that the outcome was intended.

Maybe something similar would happen with you.

 

[FurryFury]

Maybe the lists disappear because as much as she might like the idea of it, it doesn't seem very rewarding to her when she asserts herself and is given resistance and anger.

Maybe she doesn't know how to lead any better than you know how to follow?

As always, communication and caring for each other's happiness, are the keys to work these things out.

Good luck.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Online and reality are two very different things. Not that you don't know that..but sometimes our fantasy's and reality don't mesh. Other than that I can't really help. Hopefully someone else can. To me being submissive is just a part of me. I don't have to work at it. I want to please him all the time. I am a very independent and outspoken person, but I have no problem obeying when I'm told too. Sometimes I may need to discuss things and in the dynamic I'm in that's ok. In the end though I never have a problem doing what is asked of me. Are you sure this is what you want in real life? Is that maybe why a part of you rebels?

Couldnt have said it better Nic..... Bravo....

 

[nh23]

Couldnt have said it better Nic..... Bravo....

Thank You!

 

[DeservingBitch]

Aside from what others like CM have been saying, I'd suggest those two articles that both you and your Mistress could read and discuss together:

Adding D/s to a relationship
The Vanilla Domme

Hope it helps.

 

[Netzach]

What are you doing to create any kind of positive feedback loop so that she wants to dominate you more?

If you are only pissed off and bringing rebellion to the table, you've got some trust to rebuild with her, probably. I'd think about what might do that.