Looking for response story

[TJones28]

Hello,

I would love to hear any feedback on my new short story "Freshman Adventures: Legs."

And am also wondering if somebody wants to write a response story? Perhaps from the woman's perspective? Perhaps about how she gets revenge?

https://www.literotica.com/s/freshman-adventures-legs

Best,

T.

 

[DreamCloud]

You have skill though there are issues that hurt the story in my eyes.

The story was hard to follow when you mixed the past with the present. I had to make difficult mental shifts. The use of slang outside of dialog was also difficult to manage. You may want to add clarifying language so the reader doesn't struggle with the words.

You can dump the first two sentences. Forecasting the story weakens the beginning, not to mention the slight delve into second-person. It became an info dump which is usually unpleasing.

You may want to straighten out your timeline:
losing my V-card (finally) AND Six years later, here I was
That would put the loss of his virginity at around 12 years old. The word 'finally' hardly fits. I don't think that was your intent yet that's how it reads to me.

It's just my opinion, so take it with a large grain of salt.