Looking for opinions.

[Betticus]

For some reason I am a lot more comfortable in a relationship with a woman who has dominant tendencies. Not necessarily a Domme but very strong on her own. It seems to have a very calming effect on me. At that point I take on more of a mentor or teacher type of role and have vast amounts of patience and understanding. Even in friendships with women I tend to gravitate toward and bond with stronger women.

My self control is much better and I'm a lot more fun to be around in that situation. I suppose that when I'm having my needs met that it makes me quite content and stay calm and centered until I sense that something is wrong. If someone else is trying to make a move into my territory I get very protective and confrontational with that other person. They usually never come back. If she has a personal problem or a health problem it gets taken care of quickly. You get the picture by now. She is mine, my responsibility, my property. Anything that gets in the way gets taken out.

I'm just looking for some feedback as to what kind of behaviour this is. It isn't something I do consciously but is more of a reactionary thing. I just haven't been able to quantify if or label it.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I'm just looking for some feedback as to what kind of behaviour this is. It isn't something I do consciously but is more of a reactionary thing. I just haven't been able to quantify if or label it.

Most of us like working on *struggling with concept here* the higher echelons of control? If you have to constantly shore up a partner at the basic level, you may feel more drained with less return on the investment. Think Olympic gymnastics coach.

If your protege sticks a landing with a half hop backward, you can coach and work on slight changes to the dismount. If, on the other hand, she's almost breaking her neck save the safety fly wires, not many hearts can take the repeated alarm adrenaline rush. Couple that second guessing what you're doing to produce a less than stellar performance, and you've got Keystone Kops without the humor.

As for the behavior, sounds like compartmentalization. What you do with it sounds like a Dominant/Master to me.

Enjoy it.

 

[Betticus]

Thanks for the feedback. The one annoying thing I've been running into is that my comfort level gets in the way.

When I'm with someone their initial attraction to me is usually the confidence, aggression towards other men, etc, etc...

When we build up trust and I know that she is dominant enough to not get into trouble on her own I relax. She may not feel enough control from me to keep her interest. What I'm thinking is that I need to incorporate more dominance into the relationship in other ways such as role play.

So, when you are completely comfortable in a relationship with someone who wants to feel control what are the best ways to establish that when it usually only comes out when I feel threatened? I don't want her to go out and start doing things to make me react negatively to have her needs satisfied. I also don't want to get into a routine as I'd like to keep her on her toes.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

So, when you are completely comfortable in a relationship with someone who wants to feel control what are the best ways to establish that when it usually only comes out when I feel threatened? I don't want her to go out and start doing things to make me react negatively to have her needs satisfied. I also don't want to get into a routine as I'd like to keep her on her toes.

First, careful with the "dominant enough" label. Submissive, slave, bottom doesn't equate to doormat. kittycat and a few of the other pyls here will shred you for it. i get your gist, and i'll gamble with the pyls reading our discourse by suggesting "not high maintenance." i don't know about you, but i avoid "drama queens," and believe that's what you might be describing. Pushing this out quick in case they're fuming at their keyboards.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Let's start at the top, pun intended.
You find women that enjoy your bearing.

Am i correct in assuming you're ex-/military?

 

[Betticus]

You nailed it on the head. I'm not out to offend anyone with labels.

Drama queens in my opinion bring too much stress with them. Self esteem is an issue too. A certain amount of self esteem issues can be fixed but when someone is into abject self loathing they can suck you dry.

 

[Betticus]

Let's start at the top, pun intended.
You find women that enjoy your bearing.

Am i correct in assuming you're ex-/military?

Ex Army. Space Command. My career path is as a satellite controller or a mission controller.

 

[Betticus]

I have to run off. It will be a couple of days before I can get back on. This seems like it may become a good discussion though.

I'll chat with you more when I can.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I have to run off. This seems like it may become a good discussion though.

Not a problem. We both know what's flipping the switch for them, and i say let them go through the spin cycle while we chuckle. WD and Vixandra can jump in here any damn time to dispute or back up my blathering.

You engage with a partner like most humans do, looking for compatibility. Once you've found likeable traits, however, you expect them to follow those traits on a regular basis. You expect a partner, especially in this lifestyle, to conform with their training, whether you did the training, or not.

For the free spirits looking in, the training plan for mils builds a pyramid out of blocks, and every block in the pyramid has discipline laced through it. Every block higher in the pyramid relies on the block below. For a lazy PYL like me, i need not concern myself with the lower blocks on a regular basis. Doesn't mean i won't check, but i should have reasonable confidence in a stable foundation.

Next item. How to make her feel control. If i'm not mistaken, you've gone through at least a few surprise inspections. If you want to keep her on her toes, give her one when the whim hits you. You pick the subject and method for inspection ... and you pervs out there can quit flooding your seats. White glove inspection of your environment can occur at any time.

For me, i like a woman with long hair. On a purely sensual level, most of us enjoy a comb/brush from someone else. Running your fingers through those locks, even half distracted can be soothing for both. If she deviates in the slightest, a gentle yank will guide her back on course. Hell, watch a guy skull fuck a woman and it's obvious. One other thing, a controlled yank, with nods for safety concerning the pyl's neck, will expose the throat. No animal alive feels as vulnerable in any other instance.

 

[shy slave]

First, careful with the "dominant enough" label. Submissive, slave, bottom doesn't equate to doormat. kittycat and a few of the other pyls here will shred you for it. i get your gist, and i'll gamble with the pyls reading our discourse by suggesting "not high maintenance." i don't know about you, but i avoid "drama queens," and believe that's what you might be describing. Pushing this out quick in case they're fuming at their keyboards.

not quite fuming at the keyboard, but its a interesting discussion

In r/l i am assertive (domineering on occasion) with a streak of it a mile wide.
I have spent the last year learning to control it, but frankly it does not feel like I am being 'me.'

Master is a policeman who can handle my assertiveness when we are together & apart.

It is not a case of keeping on my toes but He does turn on/off the 'D' switch outside a scene as the mood takes Him.
He also visits without warning to check I am doing as He has said each day ie shaving.

This reminds me who owns me, but when we are in company it can make me even more assertive for the hell of it, even though I know there will be a settling of scores later.


AA said
For the free spirits looking in, the training plan for mils builds a pyramid out of blocks, and every block in the pyramid has discipline laced through it. Every block higher in the pyramid relies on the block below. For a lazy PYL like me, i need not concern myself with the lower blocks on a regular basis. Doesn't mean i won't check, but i should have reasonable confidence in a stable foundation.

Next item. How to make her feel control. If i'm not mistaken, you've gone through at least a few surprise inspections. If you want to keep her on her toes, give her one when the whim hits you. You pick the subject and method for inspection ...

As a slave who does not want micro-managed this works for me.

I would be lying if I said I was wondering every five minutes if He were to visit, but I like to know what He is working so I can plan for the unexpected (does that make sense?).

Unexpected inspections & His looking straight at me when he asks if I have done all i should have that day/week are two ways that He exerts control outside a scene.

When we are together He often walks me in public by putting His hand around the back of my neck, so even if outwardly it is a normal day I am still reminded He owns me.

I love the fact that everyday He takes care of me, and looks after me. Even when we are apart.

He gives me advice on day-to-day issues that I find difficult. Dull stuff mainly to do with household things.

I don't keep a journal (some long distance pyl's do) but each day i tell him all my worries, concerns and the good bits of the day. This includes aspects that I would rather keep to myself.

He trusts me to tell Him and again serves to remind me who is in control.

Hope this helps you to see the other side of control when dealing with a pyl who is used to controlling every aspect of her life.

Remember pyl's don't hand over control to a PYL unless they want/need to, however much of a struggle it is

 

[Betticus]

I'm in between partners right now, just moved and started the new job but I've been reflecting on the past a lot and seeing where I've made mistakes. I'm determined to improve myself and all of the discussion and advice is helping. Getting feedback from you guys/gals on everything is eye opening since I'm new to all of this. It is definately a different outlook on life and I don't want to mess it up. Now I just have to learn that I'm not hurting her with the spanking.....

 

[kitty4ever]

First, careful with the "dominant enough" label. Submissive, slave, bottom doesn't equate to doormat. kittycat and a few of the other pyls here will shred you for it. i get your gist, and i'll gamble with the pyls reading our discourse by suggesting "not high maintenance." i don't know about you, but i avoid "drama queens," and believe that's what you might be describing. Pushing this out quick in case they're fuming at their keyboards.

Hmmm....were you talking about me, AA? Am I truly that vicious?

Since Betticus and I chat off the board occasionally, he pointed this thread out, surprised that I hadn't responded yet. Upon finding out that I've been on vacation, he forgave me and all is well. Because this is a public topic, I'll give my thoughts here.

Some things that shy slave said are crucial to understanding how Type A personality submissives/slaves work..

As a slave who does not want micro-managed this works for me.

I love the fact that everyday He takes care of me, and looks after me. Even when we are apart.
----
He gives me advice on day-to-day issues that I find difficult. Dull stuff mainly to do with household things.

I don't keep a journal (some long distance pyl's do) but each day i tell him all my worries, concerns and the good bits of the day. This includes aspects that I would rather keep to myself.

He trusts me to tell Him and again serves to remind me who is in control.
----
Remember pyl's don't hand over control to a PYL unless they want/need to, however much of a struggle it is

I can't stand being micro-managed, probably a large part having to do with trust. I have to trust my Dom and feels that if he doesn't trust me, then it won't work. Yes, I'm a strong personality, headstrong and have a horrible temper that I sometimes have to fight to control. If I feel like there is something wrong, like there isn't trust, then I won't trust back and will begin to fight back. It takes a strong Dom to keep me in check, but when it's there, it's one of the best feelings in the world. I feel peace, serenity and have a feeling of 'knowing'. Rather complicated, but if you could see in my head, you'd get it.

That being said, even when the trust is there, the feeling of being controlled is there, it can be a struggle for me at times. One of my female switch friends told me flat out to 'shut up. He's your Dom.' (using more words, I'm paraphrasing) with my ex. That did shut me up. I apologized to him and accepted my punishment.

You say that you're drawn to dominant women and get possessive/dominant about them whenever it is new, or you feel your 'territory' is threatened. But, when it is going well, you're comfortable with her, then you relax. The key is, yes, to relax some, probably, but always remember that she is your pyl. You always have the right to a 'spot inspection'. Maybe, for you, it is in the scene, or small things like shy slave mentioned, such as guiding her while you walk. Maybe something as small as a phone call at random times. Something to remind her that you're there.

I hope that makes sense, Uncle Betticus

Edit: Trust me, the spanking is more pleasure than pain.

 

[Betticus]

You say that you're drawn to dominant women and get possessive/dominant about them whenever it is new, or you feel your 'territory' is threatened. But, when it is going well, you're comfortable with her, then you relax. The key is, yes, to relax some, probably, but always remember that she is your pyl. You always have the right to a 'spot inspection'. Maybe, for you, it is in the scene, or small things like shy slave mentioned, such as guiding her while you walk. Maybe something as small as a phone call at random times. Something to remind her that you're there.

I hope that makes sense, Uncle Betticus

Edit: Trust me, the spanking is more pleasure than pain.

It goes a little further than that with me but you are right on the money with what you just said. It extends to female friends, close ones. I touch them, a lot. Especially if we are in a public setting with a lot of people around. Not sexual touching but I hug them a lot. I touch them when they are talking to me. It's not necessarily guiding but I stroke them almost like a beloved pet. Not to downplay their importance to me but it is like that.

For example. The other evening there was a large gathering of friends that I attended. One of my female friends there I had saved from being raped a long time ago and another one I've spent a lot of time helping her and her boyfriend to work through a lot of emotional shit from her past. One other there I got rid of a stalker for who turned out to have been a date rapist.

So three of the girls there and I have a strong trust bond and we are close. I am almost abnormally overprotective of them all and when I'm with them I do touch them, hug them a lot. It doesn't bother them at all and they seem to take some comfort in it as well as me. I don't even do it consciously, it's more of a need thing. It just feels completely right.

I was holding one of my girls and two guys came over and tried to talk to her. WTF were they thinking? I told them they needed to go fuck off somewhere else. They left. They didn't argue, just walked away. Happens a lot. I guess that when they see us and know who we are that they think the girl is a slut or something. Dead wrong and they get humiliated in public for it. By me.

Not to mistake it but I don't touch them like a person who is just a friend would. More like a boyfriend. I kiss them lightly on the cheek and neck, kinda posessive. Pet them, hold them, smell them... etc.. etc... With the girls that have seen me being completely dominant over other men they don't mind at all. They trust me. With the ones that have only seen the comfortable side of me it's a different story. I don't have that kind of a bond with them and I don't feel comfortable touching them or talking to them like that.

Most people that don't know me well think that there is something wrong with me. A lot of them think I'm perverted and a good number of them are jealous with the way I interact with women.

I'm feeling a lot more normal about it after being here for a while though. I was beginning to think I was broken.

 

[kitty4ever]

As long as the girl's bf's (SO's) are fine with how you and them are in public, and if/when you have a gf/SO that is fine with that in public, I don't see anything wrong in how you interact with them. Myself, I hug and snuggle and sometimes peck guy friends on the cheek, but draw the line if a guy would want to neck me. I'm WAY too sensitive in that area for that. But, that's me. If the other girls are fine with it as friends, then that's their line to draw.

You're not broken, dear. I can see why those that aren't aware/like that may get the wrong impression. I had a guy friend who thought snuggling would automatically lead to sex, and got an unwelcome surprise when I said 'No'. So, since he can't handle that, I don't snuggle him, just give him hugs. Every friendship is different. Enjoy your friendships, no matter how they are.

The key is that the important people involved, you, the girls, their SO's and your SO (when you have one again) are comfortable with any petting that might go on. You're consenting adults.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Now I just have to learn that I'm not hurting her with the spanking.....

Depends on how you feel about delivering pain, and how she feels about taking it.