Looking for more feedback

[Mrtouf]

Story name: Caroline's Flight of Passion

Link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=452173

Category: Sci-fi and Fantasy

Brief description: Travel, adventure and steamy antics.


So I've been looking for some more feedback on this. My feeling is that I've got enough written to draw a line under this and start on a next instalment, since my intention always was to write a series. But there are some things that I'm not content to just leave as they are.

Firstly I've now noticed that all the sci-fi and fantasy type stuff is in the first half of the chapter, and the sex is the second half. Should I give Caroline a futuristic sex toy to use there, or should I have more sex from the outset?

Next, I'm not really confident in the main sex scene. It took the longest to write, because although it's easy enough to visualise, it's tricky to convey with words.

Then going back to the start of the story, I'm not sure that I'm giving the reader enough to go on. I've told them about Caroline and Isamura but not why they're flying out to some island. I never say exactly why they must land a good distance away from the settlement, especially when they can make the ship invisible.

It has been a while since I really wrote, and it has been slow going. If you have some suggestions as to how I can improve on this, that would be great.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Mrtouf, hi.

Your story confused me. You have an invisible spaceship driven by mind control visiting a world, 'settlement'(?), that is clearly eons in the past, given the orcs, stilted polite language and your description. Why did Caroline run away? Why didn't she go to Isamura's family? Why would she want casual sex with a stranger whilst knowing her girlfriend was fighting for her life?

I don't think you develop the characters enough for us to empathize with them and the two strands of Isamura with Mirala and Caroline with Meg seem completely disconnected. Shouldn't I be thinking about C, and surely C worrying about I and reluctant to be 'unfaithful' with Meg.

You say you are finding it difficult to progress. Might I suggest the reason could be that you haven't got an overarching plot and an understanding of your characters and their location.

Unless you have a pretty clear idea in your head where the story finally concludes you could write chapter after chapter without progressing the narrative.

Your writing is good but I feel your plot and character control needs tightening. Yes, the Sci-Fi is out of place and the sex scene is gratuitous and not emotionally driven, but you have seen that yourself. Get inside your characters' heads and sketch out for yourself, then us, the timeframe we are in.

 

[Mrtouf]

The plot and the characters are a bit out of control.

Originally I had Caroline reject Meg's extra hospitality outright, and then I wasn't happy with what I wrote (or more to the point, I couldn't get any further with it) and tried this approach. Which is okay because before I didn't have a lot of dialogue between Caroline and Meg, now I do.

I also need to capitalise on this apartness, have them each thinking of the other like you suggested, otherwise why have it in the first place.

And if I don't explain what a couple of people in a futuristic ship need from this place that they couldn't get where they were before, well there you are, I'm being confusing.

Thanks for the outside perspective. Hopefully the next draft will nail some of this stuff down, or un-nail as the case may be.

 

[Mrtouf]

I'm still working on the revision. Things are busy, so I have not done a lot more than overhaul the outline with some fresh ideas and make a start on the proper beginning to the story.

I'll get there eventually.