Looking for more feedback

[aj_n_tony816]

Hi,

We are pretty new writers and have posted 4 stories. Please give one (or more a shot) and let us know what you think.

Thanks!

AJ & Tony

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=554881&page=submissions

 

[kbate]

Business trip
First person present is difficult to pull off in erotica, without including dialogue.

Expectations
It is ok, a few minor grammar problems and incorrect words.

That Night
Dialogue problems. Jumps out of present tense at times but good story.

Paying
need to spell check with your eyes, not your machine. :smile:
Jumps out of present tense a few times, minor.


All four- closer attention to editing and rules for dialogue would help; but they are good stories and should do well.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi AJ & Tony,

Second-person is the perspective in which the reader participates as a character and is referred to as "you". Writing in this perspective is bound to reduce your potential audience because many readers abhor the perspective and abandon a story the instant they encounter the first "you".

For reference, here are some other Lit authors' thoughts on the matter:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=95415
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=359987

Since I am one of those readers who dislikes second-person, the only story I was even remotely interested in reading was New Expectations. As a scene in a park, it has its moments, but it's too short and lacks the depth to really move me.

A few suggestions:

(1) Avoid history lessons about the characters' past.
Example:
They'd worked together for a few months. ... Deciding they could risk another afternoon after work at the park, they arranged to meet there in two days
Although efficient in terms of words and effort, this type of narrative is dry, much like a history lesson. There are a couple of other options to consider that often work better. One would be starting the story at the earlier point and show the reader the developing relationship. Another option would be to provide the historic information in pieces, most likely through dialogue.

(2) Make the conflict clear.
Example:
After a blissful moment, forgetting who was touching her and where they were, she quietly moved his hand away. She knew she shouldn't like it. She knew it was wrong.
She may know why it's wrong, but I don't. That there's tension at all makes this opening better than most, but if I don't understand her angst, I'm unable to share it.

(3) Resolve the conflict
What changed by the end of the story? They still have to be apart and I still don't know why so I'm left to shrug and wonder what it was all about.

(4) Include additional details, show me more and tell me less.
Example: And the discussion was causing her to grow warm.
The discussion may have caused her to grow warm, but it didn't do anything for me because I didn't hear it. Perhaps had I heard the words, I might have shared her excitement.

A positive example:
My breathing was deep, I wanted him close to me so badly. Every part of my body tingled at the hope that he would accept my dare. He looked at me, his smile replaced by a desire in his eyes. He moved so that his body touched mine as we lay. I felt my nipples harden, poking out from under my bra. My pussy was growing moist, aching with the need to be touched.
When I said the story had its moments, this was one. Solid details. Feelings I can relate to, and share. Notice the difference; instead of just being told she got excited, I got to witness it?

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny