Looking for love in all the wrong places.

[Shy Tall Guy]

I guess I am just romantically challenged

Over the years I have always kept my eyes open for women I thought I could love, needing intelligence (something more than a valley girl, or someone who thought they were abducted by aliens because they passed out at a party and wound up in a field somewhere ), needing a friendly personality/independence/self assertion, needing someone single (divorced is fine), and needing some semblance of phsyical attraction (I am not that picky - really).

I high school I was too shy to really date around much, and once I found someone I liked I dated her to the exclusion of everyone else (big mistake). In college I was just trying to slog through operational amplifiers, the physics of a transistor and boolean algebra (it all seems so simple now) and didn't really have time to get to know that many women - and the dates I did go on were disasters.

After college the only places I met women were at work, and few of them were single. My first job required I spend about half my time in Alaska and Montana, usually in the middle of nowhere near some outlying defense installation where I was all by myself. Even when I did get into a town I was in a strange place where women were scarce, and single women even more scarce.

I am not into the bar/meat market scene. I don't like parties for the most part, unless it is with people I already know - I have been to two parties in the last 4 years.

I do occasionally go to biker events, but women at non Harley biker events are usually either there with someone else, so hit on by the 99.999% male crowd they are gun shy, or decidedly wierd. Lots of women at Harley events, but you have got be careful there; try hitting on the woman of some Bandito and you can find yourself with a large facial reconstruction bill. Most of the women there don't appeal to me, and most don't go for guys who ride BMWs instead of Harleys.

I've thought about getting involved with church groups, but when you are discussing Bible prophecy is not necessarily the best time to ask a woman if she thinks threesomes are too kinky.

After I arrived here (not with the intention of looking for love - I had already given up on that) I thought online would maybe be the ideal place to meet compatible people - and I must admit, I like most people here. Unfortunately, it is hard to arrange a first date with someone who lives over a thousand miles away, much less enter into a serious relationship.

So I guess I am fucked. Or am I? You tell me; why am I looking in all the wrong places?

 

[Bob Peale]

I'm not sure there is a "right" place. I met my wife in a bar the year she graduated from college. I know people say that if you're looking, you'll never find someone, but I don't know if I believe that either.

 

[lilminx]

Although you say you don't like the bar/meat market scene and parties, they are probably some of the better places for potential to meet somoene. Have you tried bookstores, coffee shops, and the supermarket as well?
Also , it seems as if you are constantly "looking". People sense that, and for some reason don't want someone that they feel is doing this. I know that if I sense a guy is really "looking" and tries to talk to me, I'm not that intersted because i feel that he didn't pick me to talk to because he found something appealing or intriguing about me; it's simply that I'm reasonably attractive and that he would do the same with any other woman there. In other words, if I sense that he's "loking for someone", I don't think that he's going to be very picky, and I want the guy who wants to talk to me to do that because he wants ME, not just any chick there. Does that make any sense?
So after that last ramble, I guess what I'm trying to say is - don't always be on the lookout, because you might be sending the wrong message. I notice that I meet the most men when I'm just having a good time with my friends and not even thinknig about meeting anyone. And beleive me- when it rains, it pours...

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[MissTaken]

STG,

Have you tried Yahoo Personals? You can do a regional search by zip code or city name. I have had a number of first dates with men from this area.

Take care !

 

[Calamity Jane]

Yup Yup

I agree with the others here. You have to stop LOOKING for love. We can sense that, and it's a little freaky.

I have a very good male friend who would love nothing more than to find the 'right' woman, settle down, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. He's very attractive, makes excellent money, owns a home, has a wondeful sense of humor, he's well read and intelligent, speaks a couple of languages, dresses nice, owns a lake cabin, and is into kinky sex. He rarely gets a second date.

Why?

Because everytime he goes out on a first date, he sends the girl rosesthe next day, calls her at least once the following day, tries to set up the second date on the night of the first... he pushes and it can be unsettling.

My suggestion would be to go to the places people mentioned... libraries, bookstores, coffee houses (you should be able to find one in seattle ) and just hang out. Strike up a conversation about a book... DON'T think about asking the person out, just enjoy the conversation. Get to know people in the area. Take a class, join a gym, etc. Just get out there and be you in a social setting and stop wondering if THAT girl is finally THE girl.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Although you say you don't like the bar/meat market scene and parties, they are probably some of the better places for potential to meet somoene. Have you tried bookstores, coffee shops, and the supermarket as well?

Except for the coffee shops, people don't usually go to these to meet people, even in Seattle. I know that these are supposed to be the hot places, but around here, if you try to get to know someone while they are picking out produce they will probably go call the management or walk away very quickly. Bookstores are more like libraries - and most people I know don't want to be hit on in either place. Moreover, I want to get to know someone before I ask them out - at least to know if they are single and sane (The latter being the hard part).

Also , it seems as if you are constantly "looking". People sense that, and for some reason don't want someone that they feel is doing this.

Except for online, and except for lately, I have never really been actively looking - so I am not sure how someone could sense that. I am looking for some "place" where I can decide whether someone interests me - then if they are single (or not involved) I get to know more about them. Work is good for that, but is severely limited in numbers if you work for a small company (say about 100 or so).

When I meet a woman I don't try to pick up on her right away, I try to get to know something about her, gauge her personality and so on.

And just to throw this out there - why is it that the men always have to show the interest in the woman? Why can't women show some interest in the men? Why can't they take the initiative?

Lit is maybe the exception in this regard - but I think some of the women are as intimidated by the men as the men are shy to ask for the women's attention. I won't bite people's head off, I always thought I came across as a nice guy - why are women intimidated by me? I don't demand they have a rocket scientist brain with a super model body - just be able to carry on a conversation without coming across like a Valley girl.

In other words, if I sense that he's "loking for someone", I don't think that he's going to be very picky, and I want the guy who wants to talk to me to do that because he wants ME, not just any chick there. Does that make any sense?

Yes and no; just because someone chooses you to talk to doesn't mean he is not picky - he may not like you at all and never ask you out. That should be the time to decide whether he is picky or not, or to see if he goes to talk to someone else, then comes back to you because he like you better. If you never give someone that chnce then just when and where are they supposed to get to know you?

That is why I like online better - we get to know people first. But the distance part sucks.

So after that last ramble, I guess what I'm trying to say is - don't always be on the lookout, because you might be sending the wrong message. I notice that I meet the most men when I'm just having a good time with my friends and not even thinknig about meeting anyone. And beleive me- when it rains, it pours...

Well you would think that after beingsingle for over twenty years (very little of it actively looking) I might get a little rain drop here and there - but maybe that is not meant to be. I keep my eyes open but I just don't often get the opportunity to be caught out without my umbrella

 

[loki]

Get a part time job, the retail field is a good place to meet people.
Half the women I've been involved with, including my wife, I met when I was working part time in retail stores. A lot goes on in those back rooms that customers never see.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: Yup Yup

I agree with the others here. You have to stop LOOKING for love. We can sense that, and it's a little freaky.

So why does interest turn women off? We are supposed to be looking, but not LOOKING? Am I the only one that this seems screwed up to?

Because everytime he goes out on a first date, he sends the girl rosesthe next day, calls her at least once the following day, tries to set up the second date on the night of the first... he pushes and it can be unsettling.[/b]

Maybe because this is what he was told by society that women like? I hear all the time about women complaining about men not calling them after their first date, and them being flattered by flowers.

I know that can seem pushy - but does a call, flowers and asking a for a second date really freak women out that much? So what do women want? What is the majic number of days to wait? Two days? A week? A month? Absolutely no flowers?

I know I am being a bit sarcastic here - but come one ladies, you know guys; we are just ismple minded creatures who know little about subtle games of the heart. We usually don't play hard to get, and we just want you to know we like you. We don't necessarily want you to start bearing our children next week - we just want the chance to get to know you better, even if we don't always know how to express that to your satisfaction.

I try not be pushy in getting to know a woman, but if I see any interest on her part in me, I will let her know if that interest is mutual. In R/L I can take months to get to know someone I am frequently in contact with before I express an interest, and then I rather carefully let her know of that interest by giving her a chance to do something with me that is non-comittal, like having lucnh with a groups of coworkers, and then maybe a ride on my motorcycle. Last wek I asked a girl I have been to lunch with several times, and that I really like, to lunch or dinner - giving her the choice of one or the other, with dinner usually inferring there being something more than just lunch with a friend. She wants to go, I have to wait until she gets back from a vacation, but still no word on which it is to be, lunch or dinner. I will give her that choice - if it is lunch then I will take that as a signal that she wants it to remain friendly only, dinner maybe something more.

DON'T think about asking the person out, just enjoy the conversation. Get to know people in the area. Take a class, join a gym, etc. Just get out there and be you in a social setting and stop wondering if THAT girl is finally THE girl. [/B]

I know I sound like I am desparate, but I am not that desparate - I don't wonder if every girl I meet is the one, and I certainly don't even think about askingthem out until I get to know them. But I don't work out (boring! if I want exercise I go hiking in the mountains or X-country skiing, usually not places you see other people). Taking a class to meet women? Sounds like an big investment in time on the off chance, that of the thirty people or so in a class would actually be women, and of those women there will be someone single, and of those single women one would be interesting to me.

I know, I know - I am being negative, but I am also being realistic - if I couldn't meet a decent woman in college, taking classes all day long, 5 days a week for years, what chance do I have in a single class once or twice a week? Besides, what are the best classes for meeting women? Software design patterns? Phsyics? Philosophy? Basket weaving?

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Get a part time job, the retail field is a good place to meet people.
Half the women I've been involved with, including my wife, I met when I was working part time in retail stores. A lot goes on in those back rooms that customers never see.

Not a bad idea - but I am 47 year old software designer, not a store clerk - I do not have a sales person personality, nor do I think I would enjoy it. I cannot stand or walk around for hours either.

Plus, I hardly want to spend 8-10 hours working on software and then go spend a couple of hours a day selling women's clothes in a department store.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Get a part time job, the retail field is a good place to meet people.
Half the women I've been involved with, including my wife, I met when I was working part time in retail stores. A lot goes on in those back rooms that customers never see.

OMG... you totally reminded me. YES STG... go for retail! When I was working retail many years ago... I was dating one of the store managers. We used to have the most amazing sex in the break room after closing... I had almost forgotten how much fin retail is!

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: Re: Looking for love in all the wrong places.

thinking that 2600 miles is just plain silly for me to contemplate then, huh...damn!

Unless you have the where-with-all to keep a kept man it would be kind of impractical. Plus, I spent some time on the east coast and I didn't really like it there. I want to stay west of the Mississippi, preferably in the NorthWet in the summer, maybe Southwest in the winter (in an ideal world). Right now I am kind of able to relocate if I find a job somewhere else, but I will probably stay here for a while until I retire.

STG...what I tell one of my best male friends that lives near me...is that you have to stop LOOKING for love...quit going out on those first dates thinking that this could be the one. Go out for coffee, a walk, lunch...whatever...but ONLY do it with the idea of meeting a new friend. If anything else is to happen, then it will.

I don't know why I am coming across as pushy - desparate maybe, but pushy? I don't think so. I have been out on dates and if anything I think my problem is that I don't push enough. I do ask for another date when I want one, but I certainly don't give the impression that I want to marry them, or that I am even contemplating it. I know enough about myself that I know I can mistake infatuation for love too easily, so I am careful about that.

I am looking for love, but I don't tell people that they could be my true love - I don't know that yet.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

OMG... you totally reminded me. YES STG... go for retail! When I was working retail many years ago... I was dating one of the store managers. We used to have the most amazing sex in the break room after closing... I had almost forgotten how much fin retail is!

I probably meet more people in a small company than most people meet in a small store. I worked as the only full time employee in a startup (medical software); I was the manager of R&D, I was R&D, I was the tech doc writer, I was the tester, I was the shipping department, I was billing, I was advertising, I was tech support. I got to meet several new people every day - very interesting people. I tried to date a few - no dates whatsoever (attached). The problem was that the guy who owned the company (not me) was a control freak who was giving me ulcers to work for, and he ran it into the ground 4 years later I think it still is making no profit).

It is not just the quantity, although that certainly increases the chances, the opportunity has to have quality of time to get to know someone without resorting to pickup lines. Supermarkets, coffee shops, libraries aren't good for that - unless you are a stalker what is the chance that you will meet and get to know a person without seeming like you are trying to pick them up? Would you want someone tryingto get to know you while you are picking out produce, having coffee with a friend, or looking for your favorite book and wanting to read it?

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

STG,

Have you tried Yahoo Personals? You can do a regional search by zip code or city name. I have had a number of first dates with men from this area.

Take care !

Thanks - that might just work. There suprisingly aren't that many women in the Seattle area Yahoo personal ads (plus or minus 10 years), but some look to be interesting - so you never know.

 

[*bratcat*]

STG...

 

[chanaud]

STG,

Have you tried volunteering for a non-profit organization? I find a lot of singles there. Not only are you going to be doing a good deed, you may find someone with your same interests. Be patient, the right person will come along and she will be worth the wait.

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Yup Yup

He rarely gets a second date.

Why?

Because everytime he goes out on a first date, he sends the girl rosesthe next day, calls her at least once the following day, tries to set up the second date on the night of the first... he pushes and it can be unsettling.

Roses are unsettling? I think they are sweet. He just sounds friendly and organized to me.

 

[peaches~n~cream]

Good places to meet

STG, Hey, how about some easy night classes? There are always women in school!!

 

[Debbie]

Everybody has there own advice on looking for love, depending on their own experiences.
I met my second husband through a mutual friend (his best friend). We spoke on the phone for about an hour or so and found that we had some common interests. So we agreed to go out on a 'date' and went from there. The glimmer of interest was there straight away and was clinched when he asked me if he could kiss me goodnight. *blush* And yip I let him!
I have done the personal ad thing in the paper and was inunadated by responses but the ones I thought to be interesting turned out to be just a little too quirky for me.
Each to their own. Do you have female friends that could advise you in this matter?
I like the idea of a call back and roses. Maybe getting some feedback from the lady involved on the date would be informative as to whether she would be open to a second date. (Such as did you enjoy yourself?)
Dating at any age is hard! My husband and I laughed recently (on our fifth anniversary) about how nervous we both were about the date. I wanted to phone him up and say I was sick, not because I didn't want to meet him but because it was very scary dating after two years of being on my own after getting out of a violent relationship.
My best suggestions would be what are you looking for?
quote
"Over the years I have always kept my eyes open for women I thought I could love, needing intelligence (something more than a valley girl, or someone who thought they were abducted by aliens because they passed out at a party and wound up in a field somewhere ), needing a friendly personality/independence/self assertion, needing someone single (divorced is fine), and needing some semblance of phsyical attraction (I am not that picky - really)."
Perhaps a place like Toastmasters?

http://www.toastmasters.org/

Just one idea anyway.


Good luck!
Quote by chanaud


"Be patient, the right person will come along and she will be worth the wait."

I believe this. I wasn't looking nor was my husband but we now have each other. Love and no regrets.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: STG...

I have a soon-to-be ex-stepmother who is hot! And is 41...

tell me a little more about you, and I will see if I hear the theme of "matchmaker" playing in my head!

Well when she is officially an "ex" and not a "soon-to-be" I might be interested, but until then I do not get involved with attached women, even at that stage. Just too scary and messy.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Re: STG,

Have you tried volunteering for a non-profit organization? I find a lot of singles there. Not only are you going to be doing a good deed, you may find someone with your same interests. Be patient, the right person will come along and she will be worth the wait.

Not a bad idea - but I spent 4 years of my life working full time in a non-profit organization risking my life and doing good deeds. Even though I was paid, it was almost equivalent to volunteering as we figured out it was about 50 cents per hour.

Seriously, I need to get back to work, and once I have a full time job I don't think I will have that much time to volunteer.

I think the Yahoo personal's idea is going to work though.

 

[luv2tvl69]

This is a hard one since I know alot of people men & women in the same predicament. Its very difficult in the dating world. I think the easiest thing is perhaps meeting someone through a friend or co-worker.

The bar scene is definitely rough, and you really need to be able to weed out the players and the people just looking for a night of sex, (if you are looking for more). Nice people do go out to bars. Maybe instead of a very busy club, a more quiet bar scene, maybe you can send a drink over to someone who attracts you.

Hell, what do I know I am still single also. Guess I shouldnt be giving any advice here...LOL

Good luck, if you figure something out let me know....too bad Washington State is so far from NY

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Good luck, if you figure something out let me know....too bad Washington State is so far from NY

I think Yahoo personals might work - but I am surprised at how few people there are there in a metro area with more than 1 million people.

BTW, I just figured out what that was at the bottom of the pussy in you Av; it is a strawberry! For the longest time I thought it maybe looked like the tip of a penis - like someone was behind the person in the Av.

I thought maybe that was a shaving pic, now I see it is whip cream and strawberries. I like strawberry shortcake - yum.

 

[luv2tvl69]

Shy Tall Guy

by tall shy guy, I LIKE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE YUM

The new dessert sensation is "strawberry pussycake" care for a taste?

OH, I dont want people to not know what my avatar is....darn, first someone thought my username had something to do with transvestites (NOT) and now my avatar is confusing....


Let me clarify for all: Luv 2 tvl (travel-- not transvestite) and LUV 69
For the diff avatars I use: I luv masturbation, food sex, blindfolds, 69, and a whole variety of things...

 

[PacificBlue]

Grab your coffee...long post ahead.

I'll take a crack at this...from reading your posts not only in this thread but in others about your desire to have a companion...your being very specific about what you will and won't do. For someone who really wants a somebody else to wake up next to you aren't willing to invest much of yourself into that pursuit. You've immediately shut down several suggestions without even trying them or having only tried them once. That is your prerogative though but you may be missing out.

I've also noticed that you seem to invest a significant amount of time before even asking someone out on a date (3-4 months). Dating is risk, that's just a given. I would be frustrated in your position...you've invested several months and then found out your not a match when you could have found out in a couple of weeks?? UGGGGHHH! I try and remind myself that the worst thing that can possibly happen is I hear "No" and then I have my answer and can move on. Lunch or dinner is a very small investment of time and not very much money depending on where you go. A phone call the next day is not to much pressure if I like the guy and want to see him again. If I don't then it's my responsibility to be honest and upfront.

I'm single and I live in the Northwest so I think I can gauge pretty well what does and doesn't work. I also am looking for and want someone I can call a companion. I've tried some of the suggestions friends have given me and I'm constantly trying new ones. Trust me when I tell you that some of them have put me out of my comfort zone. Some weren't as bad as I thought they were. The only one suggested in prior posts that I wouldn't do is to date at work. In the age of sexual harassment claims it is to big of a risk in my opinion.

A class at a community college really isn't that big of an investment of your time. One night per week for one quarter. If you go for a couple of weeks and you hate it don't go anymore. They are pretty inexpensive. I've taken classes that assess personality, country line dancing, and am considering photography and white water rafting in the spring. I've met some really great people. Even if I don't find "the one" my hope is I'll meet someone I will consider a good friend and they have friends who have friends...see where I'm going?

There are several restaurants in the area that are frequented by singles and they dine alone...I've been asked on more than one occasion if I would like to sit with someone or could they sit with me. I've even had someone come up and ask me out. It took me a while to find these places but they are out there. I'm not a bar scene person either and I think that's ok...there are still many other opportunities out there if your willing to give them a try. Trying once though doesn't cut it...you need to try at least 3-4 times before you can say "nope," not gonna happen.

Church single groups are ok if you can find a large one. Lots of them have websites now so you can see what kind of activities they participate in and how large the group is...this is a longer term investment kind of activity but kinky people do go to church occasionally. Some gyms can be good places to meet people...I found that the local community ones are better than the national chains, you find a different mix of people and not all 20-somethings. I find that fall and winter are the best times for gyms for obvious reasons.

Personal ads...I've been reading that lots of people have success with these. AOL has a personals section or how about Matchmaker.com. It might work, it might not. I have a friend who used the AOL personals and went on several dates. Again, not a big investment of time except the initial writing of the ad.

Volunteering...I haven't tried this one but have put in some research time on it. The symphony and theaters all use volunteers for ushers, taking tickets, etc. This is an investment of 1 or 2 days per month and puts you in contact with lots and lots of people. How successful would it be? mmm....I'm not sure, haven't tried it yet. It would get me into the crowd of people I like to hang with though and that's the goal. Volunteering has many different faces and not all of it sweat and toil or long-term investments of your time.

Clubs/Hobby groups...I attend one on a regular basis. I've met some great friends. Granted all are women but that's ok, it makes the waiting a lot less painful when I have someone to commiserate with. I also get to do something I enjoy. I don't think every activity you choose in your free time should be with the goal of finding a mate. Somethings you do just because you like them...ie: your motorcycle group.

There is also a service here in the Portland area and I'm not sure if there's a similar one up where you are that plans activities for singles every month...the age range seems fairly broad and there's a lot of variety to choose from. The downside to this is there is a fee to be a member for a year...I think around $200, but you know the people attending are there because they are looking for new people to hang out with. I haven't tried this one either because of the financial output and I've been unemployed.

I am sorry your frustrated and I understand your position...I really do. In closing...I don't think you've exhausted your resources yet and just because it didn't work the first or the second time doesn't mean it won't the third or the fourth.