Looking for lov...uh, I mean feedback

[ChaosKitten]

Just looking for a little feedback on the new (first/only) poem I've posted here, it's at www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81854 if anyone'd like to check it out, and let me know. Thanks bunches!!
Kitten

 

[WickedEve]

I read it and fuck, you go girl!
Okay, as far as poetry goes, it needs work.
But hey, I understand the feelings behind the poem.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I read it and fuck, you go girl!
Okay, as far as poetry goes, it needs work.
But hey, I understand the feelings behind the poem.

It's rather a song than a poem.

Regards,

 

[ChaosKitten]

Thanks Yall!

Means a lot to me, thanks!
KittenKitten

 

[WickedEve]

It's rather a song than a poem.

Regards,

Song? Really? Let me go back and see if I can sing it.
.
.
.
.
.
Okay, I could sing it but couldn't dance to it.

 

[anniebug's man]

Song? Really? Let me go back and see if I can sing it.
.
.
.
.
.
Okay, I could sing it but couldn't dance to it.

I agree with Senna: it sound slike the lyrics of a song.

am

 

[WickedEve]

Still can't dance to it. Of course, I don't have much rhythm.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Still can't dance to it. Of course, I don't have much rhythm.

Get off those 6 inch spikes, try barefoot.

 

[anniebug's man]

Still can't dance to it. Of course, I don't have much rhythm.

Who said anything about dancing?

How about swinging your hips?

How about flailing your arms?

Or maybe just pout prettily

am

 

[Mythos50]

Get off those 6 inch spikes, try barefoot.

lol!

 

[WickedEve]

Get off those 6 inch spikes, try barefoot.

Oh, SJ, when I sent that intimate photo of me in nothing but six inch spikes and a poem written across my breasts, you said you'd keep it just between us. Don't you want to keep some things between us?

Wicked Eve

 

[WickedEve]

Who said anything about dancing?

How about swinging your hips?

How about flailing your arms?

Or maybe just pout prettily

am

I swing my hips and flail my arms and pout prettily every darn night. Now I want some rhythm! I have to stop clogging to hip-hop.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Oh, SJ, when I sent that intimate photo of me in nothing but six inch spikes and a poem written across my breasts, you said you'd keep it just between us. Don't you want to keep some things between us?

Wicked Eve

Um, um, "between us" is not the most precise way to put it. And Eve, you were not supposed to tell the world that there was a "thing" "between us" (actually, just one "thing" I think). Since you did telling I wish you would do it poetically. Talking about "thing" is almost like talking in pronouns like "it". You know by now that pronouns and generalities do not count. Poets have to be concrete and to the point.

Now, where will our indiscretions end?! I better stop now.

Regards

 

[WickedEve]

To say thing was quite a lazy... um... thing for me to do. The thing between us was actually quite magnificent as far as things go. I've had things pop up in my life and in my presence, but SJ, oh my, you are something.

 

[Mythos50]

Um, um, "between us" is not the most precise way to put it. And Eve, you were not supposed to tell the world that there was a "thing" "between us" (actually, just one "thing" I think). Since you did telling I wish you would do it poetically. Talking about "thing" is almost like talking in pronouns like "it". You know by now that pronouns and generalities do not count. Poets have to be concrete and to the point.

Now, where will our indiscretions end?! I better stop now.

Regards

WickedEve, I love the word play, you and SJ.

Senna Jawa did ask for poem, may I offer this for posting?

Once things are
Between us
Must any know?

Was a thing
Between us
Others know?

Amongst ourselves
Nothing is
Between us.

Amongst others
Will nothing
Be twine us?

 

[NorthwestRain]

Quite an enjoyable little poem. Perhaps could be improved by delving deeper into yourself for a little more grit.
I also found the flow a little interrupted. Did you by any chance measure your syllables? Sometimes that can help with rhyming poetry.

 

[Mythos50]

Quite an enjoyable little poem. Perhaps could be improved by delving deeper into yourself for a little more grit.
I also found the flow a little interrupted. Did you by any chance measure your syllables? Sometimes that can help with rhyming poetry.

What did you have in mind, NR? I am always waiting to learn.

 

[ChaosKitten]

Ummmm...

quote:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by NorthwestRain
Quite an enjoyable little poem. Perhaps could be improved by delving deeper into yourself for a little more grit.
I also found the flow a little interrupted. Did you by any chance measure your syllables? Sometimes that can help with rhyming poetry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Was that for me, or for Mythos?

BTW, I've got some new stuff, that I would love to hear some feedback on,
they're at:

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=82368

&

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=82716

Thanks bunches yall


Kitten

 

[WickedEve]

I'll try to make more comments on your poetry in a moment but first I have to ask about "A/anyone." You use that several times. What is the significance of writing anyone this way?

 

[WickedEve]

If I ignore the A/anyone then I enjoy the poem. It's a nice a little poem, CatastrophicPuss.


But it wasn't isn't bad at all either.

So I drove home alone, blind
Wishing that eyes had wipers
But they don't

The part about eyes with wipers is an interesting image. But it may be better to leave a little to the reader's imagination. If you hint at the fact that it would be handy to have wipers on your eyes then it may have a bigger impact on the reader when he takes a second to think about what you're hinting at.


How about:
So homeward I drove, blinded,
listening to wipers
too far away for eyes

Well, that may not be great but you get the idea.

 

[NorthwestRain]

For you Chaos, it was your poem wasn't it?
I guess what I mean is I personally would like to know a more personnal example of the vanity / lies / demands /etc.
I feel the poem would then hold more, as I put it, grit!
Just a suggestion, hope it makes a little more sense now.

 

[NorthwestRain]

Sorry Mythos, I was still on the first poem , 'Fuck You'. No not fuck you, hang on. Ahhhh, confusion! I need another thread! I'm treading water. I'm lost
1 Help...

 

[ChaosKitten]

I'll try to make more comments on your poetry in a moment but first I have to ask about "A/anyone." You use that several times. What is the significance of writing anyone this way?

It's a BDSM thing, to explain a bit.
If you ever chat on a BDSM site, people address the whole room, "Hello A/all," or "Good evening E/everyone." It's a respect thing, for a Domme, and a sub. Dommes are always addressed with capps, Ma'am, You're, etc. and subs are always lowercase, especially when referring to themselves, "i am, may i," etc. or being referred to, sara, tom, etc.
In regards to the poem, I am a switch, (Dominant or submissive, depending on the mood.) And I tend to wonder if there is A/anyone for me.
Thanks.
Kitten