Looking for input on a lesbian story

[Cliffhere4fun]

I'm a guy and I have written a lesbian story that I would like to get female input on.

Basic plot is a wife ends up getting spanks by her much younger sister in law. Then later it happens again, this time planned somewhat. Not much sex was written, so far, as I want to make sure that for porn it is decent.

 

[Cliffhere4fun]

Ok, maybe it will help to post the rough draft of the story here.

Let me know any feedback.

(I don't have a title yet)

Anne berated her older sister in law, “You pathetic whore, begging to be fucked in the ass like the slut you are. Admit it!”

Kym was afraid to take her hand from her mouth. She nodded yes, which caused Anne to stop. “Get the fuck out of my room. Leave your whore panties!” A frustrated and extremely horny Kym did as she was told. Straightening her short dress as she exited.

Only two months before, Kym had agreed to let her Husband Doug’s younger sister move into their mother-in-law suite. Anne is the darling youngest sibling in the family and Kym knew that to say no would cause more trouble than it was worth. She really did not get along with Anne, they just never hit it off. Kym saw Anne as a brat and Anne saw Kym as not good enough for her big brother.



Edited the story to fit the forum rules, i hope...

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to post entire stories here.

 

[Inkhorn]

I'm a guy and I have written a lesbian story that I would like to get female input on.

Basic plot is a wife ends up getting spanks by her much younger sister in law. Then later it happens again, this time planned somewhat. Not much sex was written, so far, as I want to make sure that for porn it is decent.

You might be better off asking for beta readers over in the Editor's Hangout. I think they have a thread stickied for just such a thing.

 

[Cliffhere4fun]

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to post entire stories here.

Oh, sorry. Did not know that.

You might be better off asking for beta readers over in the Editor's Hangout. I think they have a thread stickied for just such a thing.

Thanks I will do that.

 

[Hypoxia]

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to post entire stories here.

LIT rule sez the limit is three paragraphs. A moderator will soon cut your post down to size so I hope you have it saved somewhere. As suggested, ask for beta readers at Author's Hangout, or at Editor's Forum.

As for the story: I skimmed and saw much more "tell" than "show".

 

[Cliffhere4fun]

I trimmed down my post. Thanks for the tip i do have it saved elsewhere.


Also, thanks for the input. I will try to add more show, as in more action and interaction between the two characters as I rework and add to the story.

 

[Inkhorn]

I trimmed down my post. Thanks for the tip i do have it saved elsewhere.


Also, thanks for the input. I will try to add more show, as in more action and interaction between the two characters as I rework and add to the story.

First drafts are always rough.

 

[Cliffhere4fun]

First drafts are always rough.

Agreed.