Looking for honest feedback!

[TheBrokenTexan]

This is my very first work, and would love honest feedback from women, good or bad. Would like to possibly turn this into a series.

https://www.literotica.com/s/sunday-chase-pt-01

 

[StillStunned]

I'll pay you the highest compliment I can think of: it reminds me of my own style.

Seriously, I like how you focus on sensations, and how you mix external actions with internal thoughts and feelings. You put the reader right their in the narrator's head.

If I'd change one thing, it would be to move the description of the love interest nearer to the beginning. Readers tend to form a picture in their mind very early on. If you provide details later on that contradict that picture, it will take them out of the story as they re-evaluate the image, or else they'll just ignore the description.

And I noticed several typos. Some writers don't care about them, and nor do some readers. Personally I think it's worth making an effort to produce the best story you can. A simple way to catch most of your typos is to use Read Aloud in Word, or another text-to-speech tool, and actually sit and watch the highlight jumping from word to word. That really helps a lot.

Keep writing, and enjoy the hobby!

 

[TheBrokenTexan]

Thank you so much, and Ill take those thoughts into account for my next one!

 

[Kat90xx]

Hey! Just read it and enjoyed it! I echo everything Stllstunned says and am following hoping to see where this goes… It feels very charming and real, and I found myself rooting for you! I’d add you should probably use a better description and utilise tags to help would-be readers find and click on your story in future as it’d be a shame to pour such passion into something only for no one to then enjoy it with you! Hoping to see more soonish xx

 

[TheBrokenTexan]

Hey! Just read it and enjoyed it! I echo everything Stllstunned says and am following hoping to see where this goes… It feels very charming and real, and I found myself rooting for you! I’d add you should probably use a better description and utilise tags to help would-be readers find and click on your story in future as it’d be a shame to pour such passion into something only for no one to then enjoy it with you! Hoping to see more soonish xx

Thank you for the feedback! I truly appreciate it!

 

[Kat90xx]

Thank you for the feedback! I truly appreciate it!

My pleasure! I’m just thinking what makes a good story description I’m sure others may disagree but personally, I don’t want to know exactly what happens but get a feel for the themes and style before even things like location, characters and the actual in and outs so to speak - a bit of puntastic titillation like a cheeky flash of ankle that makes you want to click and rip off that petticoat Something like “Cleanup in aisle three! Things get messy at the store…” or “Sunday roast/tradition - I go to the shops looking for my favourite piece of meat” would get my attention! Xx

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is my very first work, and would love honest feedback from women, good or bad. Would like to possibly turn this into a series.

https://www.literotica.com/s/sunday-chase-pt-01

Why only women, to give you feedback?

Setting that aside, I suggest you nail your proof-reading to clear up the typos, missing capitals and so on. I'm pretty forgiving of the occasional typo, but this piece had too many, it got in the way of the flow. As Stillstunned says, edit the very best you can, and get rid of bad habits early in your writing. It really does make a difference.

I'd also suggest longer chapters - 1300 words is about a third of a Lit page, which by any measure, isn't much. There's a bit of a consensus, whenever people ask, "What's a good chapter length?" that 2 - 3 Lit pages is on the money. That's 7k - 10k words, thereabouts. When you get to the sex scenes, it's best to give readers a decent read.

Unlike the other folk who commented, it didn't ring true to me. He came across as a tad obsessive, expressing anger when it wasn't warranted, following her enough to be stalkerish. A follow-on encounter would be disturbing, to be honest.

Mind you, this comment comes off the back of just having read a serial killer novel, and another book with the catch line, "One of them is a psychopath. But which one is it?"

 

[StillStunned]

Unlike the other folk who commented, it didn't ring true to me. He came across as a tad obsessive, expressing anger when it wasn't warranted, following her enough to be stalkerish. A follow-on encounter would be disturbing, to be honest.

Mind you, this comment comes off the back of just having read a serial killer novel, and another book with the catch line, "One of them is a psychopath. But which one is it?"

Have you ever read Love at First Sight?

Actually, I see from the comments that you did read it. Thanks again!

 

[Kat90xx]

Why only women, to give you feedback?

Setting that aside, I suggest you nail your proof-reading to clear up the typos, missing capitals and so on. I'm pretty forgiving of the occasional typo, but this piece had too many, it got in the way of the flow. As Stillstunned says, edit the very best you can, and get rid of bad habits early in your writing. It really does make a difference.

I'd also suggest longer chapters - 1300 words is about a third of a Lit page, which by any measure, isn't much. There's a bit of a consensus, whenever people ask, "What's a good chapter length?" that 2 - 3 Lit pages is on the money. That's 7k - 10k words, thereabouts. When you get to the sex scenes, it's best to give readers a decent read.

Unlike the other folk who commented, it didn't ring true to me. He came across as a tad obsessive, expressing anger when it wasn't warranted, following her enough to be stalkerish. A follow-on encounter would be disturbing, to be honest.

Mind you, this comment comes off the back of just having read a serial killer novel, and another book with the catch line, "One of them is a psychopath. But which one is it?"

It’s always so interesting different people can interpret a setup with so many loose threads at this stage so differently. I saw the protagonist as a harmless geeky type like one of the Big Bang Theory guys, rather than something more sinister. All depends where it goes, I guess... I’m hoping he wins her through clumsy pluck and charm rather than anything nefarious!

 

[TheBrokenTexan]

Why only women, to give you feedback?

Setting that aside, I suggest you nail your proof-reading to clear up the typos, missing capitals and so on. I'm pretty forgiving of the occasional typo, but this piece had too many, it got in the way of the flow. As Stillstunned says, edit the very best you can, and get rid of bad habits early in your writing. It really does make a difference.

I'd also suggest longer chapters - 1300 words is about a third of a Lit page, which by any measure, isn't much. There's a bit of a consensus, whenever people ask, "What's a good chapter length?" that 2 - 3 Lit pages is on the money. That's 7k - 10k words, thereabouts. When you get to the sex scenes, it's best to give readers a decent read.

Unlike the other folk who commented, it didn't ring true to me. He came across as a tad obsessive, expressing anger when it wasn't warranted, following her enough to be stalkerish. A follow-on encounter would be disturbing, to be honest.

Mind you, this comment comes off the back of just having read a serial killer novel, and another book with the catch line, "One of them is a psychopath. But which one is it?"

Thank you, it was my first piece which is why I need this feedback! I appreciate it all, was requesting women for their perspective from the content, but i will do my best to extend the story and paragraphs. I will also work on proofreading for typos and capitalization. Thank you!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thank you, it was my first piece which is why I need this feedback! I appreciate it all, was requesting women for their perspective from the content, but i will do my best to extend the story and paragraphs. I will also work on proofreading for typos and capitalization. Thank you!

Don't worry. Nearly everyone's first stories are full of cringeworthy technical faults. I know mine are.

And it's only over time that you work out your own style, what kind of story teller you are, what your primary themes always are. That's when you settle down and tell your stories the way you want to tell them.

It's important though, to get rid of the technical glitches early, because they do get in the way of effortless story telling. Edit three times, submit once!

 

[Kat90xx]

It’s always so interesting different people can interpret a setup with so many loose threads at this stage so differently. I saw the protagonist as a harmless geeky type like one of the Big Bang Theory guys, rather than something more sinister. All depends where it goes, I guess... I’m hoping he wins her through clumsy pluck and charm rather than anything nefarious!

@TheBrokenTexan read the second part and loved it! Really like the way the narrative and three-way tension is building… Can’t wait to see what happens next and the simmering pay off boils over xx

 

[TheBrokenTexan]

@TheBrokenTexan read the second part and loved it! Really like the way the narrative and three-way tension is building… Can’t wait to see what happens next and the simmering pay off boils over xx

Thank you Kat! i hope you saw improvement from the first, and Im looking forward to expanding on length each story and adding to the story and ability for readers to place themselves as person desired.

 

[Kat90xx]

@TheBrokenTexan just read Part 3 and loved it! Don’t know if it was our feedback here or your original idea played out but fantastic story so far! No spoilers but the reveal… I my God! Your prose is miles improved too - can really see your confidence growing along with your main characters and enjoying the ride Read it folks, read it now xx

 

[TheBrokenTexan]

@TheBrokenTexan just read Part 3 and loved it! Don’t know if it was our feedback here or your original idea played out but fantastic story so far! No spoilers but the reveal… I my God! Your prose is miles improved too - can really see your confidence growing along with your main characters and enjoying the ride Read it folks, read it now xx

Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoy. I hope you continue to enjoy the direction it takes.