Looking for Help

[Guest]

Ok here goes, my wife told me the other day that she is not interested in sex anymore. We have 3 children and our youngest is 23 months old, and the last time we had sex was when he was conceived.

So I don't know what to do, she has told me that the ladies at work say the same thing about sex. Is this true of all women?? She is 32 and I thought that women hit their peek in their 30's ??? Am I just expecting too much???

Just looking for some help here.

j

 

[Cathleen]

Did she say why she wasn't interested any more? Have you talked with each other about the lack of sex since your youngest child?

I don't think you're asking too much at all. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. If she is talking about her sex life with friends (which is fine) she ought to talk with you about it too.

I'd start with talking and a physical. I'd think there is a reason, whether she wants to admit it or not - it's important to your relationship. I hope you're both able to talk through it and if needed get outside help.

 

[EJFan]

yeah... like cathleen said, definitely talk with her and LISTEN to what she has to say.

one thing that stuck out for me in what you said was that you have three children. i can't think of a reason why on the third, all of a sudden, her sex drive is gone. if it was because of the birth, you'd have noticed something after the first two, don't ya think?

could she be concerned about future pregnancy or have you guys eliminated that possibility in some fashion already? is she feeling overwhelmed by the three kids? maybe a vacation could help... even a night or two alone? are you observing any other changes in her personality? post-partum?

ask her questions... talk to her... listen (she'll apprecaite that the most) and see what happens.

 

[SweetErika]

I second Cate's suggestions of her being checked out physically, talking, and getting counseling. It sounds like SHE thinks it's normal and is using her girlfriends to back that up. Also, how is she and the rest of your relationship doing? Is she tired/overwhelmed with the kids and house (and/or job)? Have you two had alone time? Are there disagreements about other things? Have you worked on bringing back the spark and tried to reconnect? Those are a few options to explore, but I think a two year absence of sex probably necessitates professional help to deal with all of the issues.

 

[sweetgirl666]

three kids means very little sleep for her. How much of the work load of cleaning the house and cooking and taking care of the kids do you do? When she works outside the house in addition to that she must be whiped!

Give her her life back!

Take the kids for an evening and send her to a day-spa thing.

Get a babysitter and take her out for a nice dinner

Call her to tell her that you love her and appreciate her


She is your wife, NOT your maid, your nanny, your sex-toy. And I fully understand woman who say they are through with sex when they lead a life like your wife! Go back to being her lover, her equal, and she will return to being your lover. No need for doctors visits, dont torture that poor woman.
If you gave her a break (and I mean weeks or months of her being able to recharge her batteries) and she still doesnt like sex, then it might be good to have her hormons checked. Also, take care of birth control. You, not her. If you want no more kids, then do that permanently. Again, it shows her that you two are equals, she already was three times pregnant.

 

[YinandYang]

I agree with most things here, talk and really listen to what she has to say. IMO sex for a woman is instigated in the mind first, if her mind is full of daily things like shopping lists, kids, cleaning, cooking etc then it might be that she is feeling overwelmed.

I felt this way with my ex husband (wasnt the reason for break up BTW), it was mostly due to not be able to 'find me'. My day was spent completely taking care of the kids, the husband etc. It wasn't until I started to find myself as a person again, that I got my sex drive back.

She needs time to be who she is deep inside, a chance to do the things that make her happy. Relaxation, time out etc.

There could also be a problem with post natal depression, but without getting her to open up to you, you will never know. Give her the chance to let her feelings out, without being judged, and even without you trying to find an immediate solution.

The fact that you have asked for guidance shows how much you love her, and want to help her. Take care of that side of things, and the sex will fall back into place

 

[SweetErika]

three kids means very little sleep for her. How much of the work load of cleaning the house and cooking and taking care of the kids do you do? When she works outside the house in addition to that she must be whiped!

Give her her life back!

Take the kids for an evening and send her to a day-spa thing.

Get a babysitter and take her out for a nice dinner

Call her to tell her that you love her and appreciate her


She is your wife, NOT your maid, your nanny, your sex-toy. And I fully understand woman who say they are through with sex when they lead a life like your wife! Go back to being her lover, her equal, and she will return to being your lover. No need for doctors visits, dont torture that poor woman.
If you gave her a break (and I mean weeks or months of her being able to recharge her batteries) and she still doesnt like sex, then it might be good to have her hormons checked. Also, take care of birth control. You, not her. If you want no more kids, then do that permanently. Again, it shows her that you two are equals, she already was three times pregnant.

I agree you shouldn't take your partner's work and lifestyle for granted, but with all due respect, sg666, we don't really know what their life is like, so I think we should take care in jumping to conclusions. I also think it's important to err on the side of caution and get hormone levels and other physical things checked out in conjunction with giving her a break and working on the relationship.

 

[handlebars69]

I have to agree wiht everyone else on this. Most likely she needs time to herself. Its hard taking care of a hubby and 3 kids, even if one is almost 2. I say try sending the kids off to the grandparents or a trusted friends house for a few days. take her out to eat, shopping and do what she would like to do. she wants to clean the kids' rooms, so be it. let her know you love and support her and that you'll do anything to help her. if all that fails, then you might want to talk about going to see a doctor.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

A number of things could be causing her to not have any interest. I think the most important phrase in this thread so far is, "Sex is part of a healthy relationship."

If she's not interested for any reason and doesn't want to do anything and everything in her power to correct that, then she's not interested in a "healthy relationship."

Do whatever you have to with her to get it back, but don't let yourself be the only one putting in the effort.

 

[Guest]

Thank all of you for your advice and to answer some of your questions here goes:

work load around the house, she works on the weekends so on the weekends i clean the house, and do the laundry, and most of the housework.

getting away, i just took her on a vacation with just the 2 of us and the reason this thread was started was because when it came to "the sex" tv was more interesting to her.

This is why i started the thread cause it's frustrating for me to do these things and then i'm told i'm not doing enough or stuff like that. It's very irritating especially when i know a lot of husbands don't help out. i don't do these things to get sex, i do them cause i want her to relax, i give her massages, i draw baths for her when she's had a rough day, i take the kids away and give her time. i don't know what else to do, but i ask her all the time what is wrong and she doesn't want to discuss it. i don't want to push and have her shut down, but at the same time I am growing more and more frustrated.

Thank you again for the suggestions

j

 

[milman]

Ebb and flows happen in marriage, but to come right out and tell you she's just not interested anymore, and then have the gall to tell you all her friends agree its normal, really is a slap in the face. Could she have made you feel less of a man if she'd set out to?

Imagine her reaction if you told her you were talking to your buddies and they all agreed it was completely normal for a married guy to have a couple of girlfriends on the side, so she had better just accept it as thats what you were going to do? Shit would hit the fan would'nt it?

Obviously she could care less about your feelings and needs, or the fact she's just informed you that you're going to spend the rest of your life celibate. ( that is what she told you after all). Its all about her apparently.

I hate to say it, but its marriage counseling time for you two. She needs to have it made crystal clear your not interested in, and will not accept a platonic relationship, and she is choosing a path that will lead to divorce.
If she wants to live like brother and sister instead of man and wife, thats fine, but it won't be with you.

Sorry man, you've got some rough months ahead.

 

[SueJ]

Thank all of you for your advice and to answer some of your questions here goes:

work load around the house, she works on the weekends so on the weekends i clean the house, and do the laundry, and most of the housework.

getting away, i just took her on a vacation with just the 2 of us and the reason this thread was started was because when it came to "the sex" tv was more interesting to her.

This is why i started the thread cause it's frustrating for me to do these things and then i'm told i'm not doing enough or stuff like that. It's very irritating especially when i know a lot of husbands don't help out. i don't do these things to get sex, i do them cause i want her to relax, i give her massages, i draw baths for her when she's had a rough day, i take the kids away and give her time. i don't know what else to do, but i ask her all the time what is wrong and she doesn't want to discuss it. i don't want to push and have her shut down, but at the same time I am growing more and more frustrated.

Thank you again for the suggestions

j

J, this is heartbreaking. It sounds like you're a great guy and doing everything you can to help her through this. I remember well how stressful those years were when the kids were little. I don't remember much sex then.

Last night, I told my husband about seeing your thread here and asked him if we had a lot of sex during those years. He says that we didn't have "a lot", and most were "quickies" when we could grab some time. Neither of us could really let go and luxuriate in the time together with all the stress, chaos, and exhaustion around us. We had no family in the area to take the kids off our hands.

One thing we did was to hire a steady Friday night babysitter so that we could go out to dinner or to a movie. Maybe that's what kept us together during those years. We were on opposite work schedules much like you and your wife, so at least that gave us the chance to communicate without interruption and catch up with each other on an emotional and intellectual level.

Because of my husband's profession, he sees your situation all the time. His feeling (FWIW) is that couples are more stressed during those years than at any other time in a marriage. If they don't find a way to make the sex work while the children are babies/toddlers, other aspects of the relationship are also suffering. Without working through the sex issue, they either end up seeking sex with another partner who doesn't have such a high degree of emotional stress at the time to deal with, or they grow apart and when the kids get a little older, they find that there's nothing left. He sees those years as being a true test of the strength of a marriage. Lots of couples don't make it through, sadly.

But there are wonderful things in store for those who weather the storm and work at it together. Kids do grow up, and those years of bonding and working at the relationship in spite of the obstacles pay big dividends in the long run. I hope your wife will agree to counseling to help you work through the issues. It does seem grossly unfair to the psychological health of the entire family that she has decided her sex life is "done" with her spouse. I'm amazed by what her friends say. It makes me wonder how many of their marriages will survive this. Perhaps banding together in that way makes them feel more secure in their decisions not to have sex, but since they're not married to their girlfriends, that's not what's going to save their marriages and give them a happy home life and security for their children.

Do you think you can convince her to go to counseling with you?

 

[Eilan]

I'm not calling anyone a liar or dismissing anyone's concerns, but I think there has to be more to this than just the side we're hearing. I'm not saying that Moony31 doesn't have valid concerns/complaints, but I think that if we were to hear from the wives in question in this thread and in those similar to it, we'd get a different story. Perhaps within those two versions of reality lies what's really going on.

Moony31, I have to agree with the posters who have mentioned that your wife needs to see her doctor for a physical that includes some bloodwork (especially a thyroid test). She should do this as soon as she can get scheduled so that any physical problems can be ruled out.

Postpartum depression could be a possibility, but after 23 months, I'd say it would only be an issue if it has gone untreated all this time. And as someone who experienced PPD after my second pregnancy, I hope that, for your wife's sake, this hasn't been the case.

How closely spaced are your children? Closely-spaced pregnancies take a physical toll on the body, particularly if your wife is taking care of the children and not looking after her own needs. Again, the doctor should be able to help.

You mentioned that you look after the children and house while your wife works on the weekends. That's a great start--what do you do on the other five days? Parenting is a job with long hours and low pay, though it has other benefits that make it more than worthwhile. She needs your help whenever she can get it. I stay at home with my children (three still at home, one in school), and even though I spend a good portion of the day on housework and child care, there are always things to do.

I've said this before in other threads, and I think it bears repeating: problems in the bedroom often have their root cause in problems outside the bedroom. She may have anger and resentment that you're not even aware of. That's why communication is so important--and when you're in bed is NOT the time to start bitchin' about not gettin' any.

After 23 months, you may need some outside help to deal with this issue. I hope that you can solve this problem--together.

Good luck.