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[scarletpassions]

Hello,

I have set the New Year's goal of making an honest and persistent effort concerning creative writing and I would like to ask for your help.

It has been a childhood hobby of mine but there always seemed to be something more important to do, something more pressing at hand ... At least I liked to think so. Truth is, it has been a secret dream of mine to become an author one day. A dream I have always felt insecure about and never quite had the courage to pursue, often feeling that there may have been some potential but not enough to make it.

I have grown up a bit but much else has not changed. The years are passing me by and honestly, I am even more afraid of not even trying and never knowing what could have been. Whom I could have touched through a character or made smile the way many of the stories published on this site have made my day throughout the years.

So, that is essentially my story. I am here to try and give it my best shot and honest effort for whatever it should be worth. And I am asking for your help, comments and feedback on the following stories and writing, hopefully for encouragement and improvement or even a reality check.

Obsession - A short story about lust and love /Romance/

Hungarian Rhapsody Ch.1. - Romance and redemption in the aftermath of war /Romance/


Your time and honesty is much appreciated!

Scarlet

 

[Leto Degeneres]

Okay, I'm going to look...

Hello, Scarlet.

I've not been in this particular forum before today. However, I have recently been so impressed with a pair of authors that I was compelled to tell them why I liked their writing as well as the very few things I didn't. When I saw this forum I thought it only fair to look. Please keep in mind that I'm not a literary critic, author, or editor.

Well, prior to the last two days I kept romance in literature at arms length, though romantic movies work for me. It just so happens that you are now the author of my second romance reading. I read "Obsession", as you asked.

Let me say this first. You know your English and grammar and structure. Wow. It was like looking at perfection. That's nice, and it's appreciated. Thank you.

I really didn't care, personally, for the presentation of two third-person points of view in this particular story. To your credit, at least it was easy to separate them because of your formatting and because you devoted an entire sequence of paragraphs to one point of view before switching. That removed the chance for confusion. To be fair, the other romance story I alluded to did switch points of view and even interwove them more than you did, and it worked. I find myself wondering why. Maybe the length of the stories? The other was a novella and there was a lot of time for character development. I'm not sure.

I found that I did like Sophia in this story. I think you could have done the whole thing from her perspective alone. I'm sorry, but I just didn't care much about what Robert was thinking or doing, until the end that is. Implications about Robert from Sophias thoughts or actions would have been fine I think.

The ending was delicious. What a surprise. I also liked that you left it to my imagination to wonder about the avalanche of thoughts and emotions in Sophia's head at her surprise. That scene was the icing on the cake and to stop there without elaboration only added to the feeling of seeing the scene with my own eyes. Sincerely, thank you for not adding somoeone's "thoughts" to that.

In short, I'd say that restricting yourself to Sophia alone, except for the end, would have been the best improvement, in my opinion, and if you're asking.

Good "first work", and much better than I would have been able to do. Best wishes to you and I hope that your literary avocation will please you for a long time to come.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Scarletpassions, Welcome and congrats on your story. I loved the focus on the obsessioin.

I agree with Idegeneres that the abrupt changes of POV, though clearly signalled, shake us readers a bit suddenly. Especially when the story is about Sophie's obsession.

You could perhaps consider putting the letter extracts in italics to differentiate from the text.

I enjoy your writing style and look forward to reading your next story. Please flag it here.

Great stuff.

 

[evanslily]

An enjoyable read, well done, especially given this is your first story for the site.

I see what the others are saying about the changes in POV but actually, I didn't find it too jarring and to be honest, I don't think the story would've been as good without Robert's POV (LOL, you didn't expect us to agree here, did you? ).

There are a couple of typos and odd bits of punctuation missing but nothing so serious as to detract from the flow. The only thing that really struck me was that it was a little stilted in places. At first, I found myself wondering whether English was your first language, but then realised that in part, it might be the lack of contractions. For example, you wrote

He could not have cared less while waiting in eager anticipation for the file to download.

I think I'd have found it more natural if you'd written 'He couldn't have cared less', though the whole sentence is a little clumsy. Much though I love the essence of your descriptions, quite a few of them need tightening up a bit (in my humble opinion ).

You wrote

He could not have cared less while waiting in eager anticipation for the file to download. A few clicks later he could already see her, spread upon satiny white sheets and twisting in beautiful agony.

The automatic release of the camera captured her sweet torture practically in slow motion for his viewing pleasure. Bit by bit the pieces of her erotic struggles filled the screen in front of him: Sophia on all fours, her wrists bound, the smooth globes of her ass high up in the air, wiggling her delectable bottom only for him.

How about...?

He couldn't have cared less, waiting in eager anticipation for the file to download. A few clicks later he saw her, spread upon satiny-white sheets and twisting in beautiful agony.

The automatic release of the camera captured her sweet torture practically in slow motion. Piece by piece, her erotic struggles filled the screen: Sophia on all fours, her wrists bound, the smooth globes of her ass high in the air, wiggling her delectable bottom only for him.

I hope you don't think I'm being overly critical - I'm certainly not meaning to be. You have quite a flair for words, but at the moment, they're being suffocated by a few extraneous ones.

But on the whole, great stuff, and as Elfin said, let us know when you submit your next piece!

BTW - if you'd like to try inserting italics, this how-to article is a good one: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45432

 

[scarletpassions]

Wow, thanks for the thoughtful replies!

Intuition rarely leads one wrong. English is actually my third language so I am aware that there is still lots to learn and plenty of room for improvement.

I am taking notes and will try to incorporate your advice as I keep writing.

Thank you so much!

 

[wife2hotblk]

Scarlet,

I could have written your post myself. I too have put this off too long.

While I do not consider myself expereinced enough to offer the wonderful insights of the others, I do want to offer you encouragement. I enjoyed your story very much. Like you, I focus a great deal upon characterisation...making the people come alive.

I hope you continue...and perhaps we could encourage one another along the way somehow.

Cheers,
T

 

[scarletpassions]

Scarlet,

I could have written your post myself. I too have put this off too long.

While I do not consider myself expereinced enough to offer the wonderful insights of the others, I do want to offer you encouragement. I enjoyed your story very much. Like you, I focus a great deal upon characterisation...making the people come alive.

I hope you continue...and perhaps we could encourage one another along the way somehow.

Cheers,
T

Thank you for the words of encouragement, T. I wish for the enthusiasm to stay with both of us throughout the new year!

Happy writing!

 

[litchipking]

In Obsession, you’ve written a very good story. Short and written in a sort of sound-bite style, it hits with a surprising intensity. Well done.

I agree, however, with the comments about the confusing changes in POV. Even though I love the technique, I think you need to change font or italics between the changes.

You can still edit your story so maybe you should think about making this subtle change. I, too, submitted a story earlier this year that included the same type of changes in POV and used italics to differentiate. I am including a link to that story, not so that you will read the entire thing, but that you might see how the change is easier to follow.

In any case, a story well-written and obviously well-received. I’ll try to find some time to read the other one you submitted. - Chip

A Little Rhythm, A Little Blues
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=353194