Looking for Feedback

[alirk]

I have posted my first part of a story that I have been batting around in my head for years. I am by no means a writer and would love feedback, I plan to continue it but do not want to make it another cookie cutter story. I would really like to delve in to the inner struggles and feelings as well ass the physical acts.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337142

Thank you,

Alirk

 

[x_ShimmeR_x]

I have posted my first part of a story that I have been batting around in my head for years. I am by no means a writer and would love feedback, I plan to continue it but do not want to make it another cookie cutter story. I would really like to delve in to the inner struggles and feelings as well ass the physical acts.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337142

Thank you,

Alirk

I don't think that you included enough in your first installment. It ends very abruptly, not well at all. Exploring the internal struggles within the characters might bring a little life to it. Write your next chapter and start giving us a little insight into the characters. I'm interested in seeing what direction you're going to head in.

 

[starrkers]

eta: apologies if this sounds abrupt - I just reread it and I don't mean to be, but I'm sick and in a "meh" mood.

As it stands, it's not a story. It's notes about the two characters who will be used (I hope) in a future story.
The descriptions are very clinical, all measurements and staccato points. And they're not necessary to the narrative. They could be brought in in small pieces throughout the story, rather than just dumped on the reader at the start.
If you take out the description of the women this is what you have left:

The larger woman smirked at the smaller woman pinned under her. The smaller woman was squirming uncomfortably, nervously; hating the position she found herself in. At this point, she didn't know how much trouble she actually was in. If she did, if she could read the larger womans mind, she'd be disgusted and fighting much harder to escape.


Lisa had been planning this attack for a while. She was looking forward to making the little married woman, Sara, her slut. She knew it would not happen quickly. Sara was strong physically and would not lie down without a struggle. But Sara didn't know how to actually fight and take pain or discomfort. Lisa knew Sara would fold, eventually. What Lisa didn't know was how, over time, Sara's will, spirit, resistance would break and how Sara would end up doing anything and everything Lisa ever desired or dreamt of having another women do.

Sara would soon be introduced to coerced, rough, forced, debasing, degrading, reluctant lesbian sex. The type where her feelings are of no consequence. Sex where the purpose at first is to break her down and control her.

Sara struggled under Lisa. "Get off me" she spat while trying to unseat Lisa. But she was tiring. The size difference was just too much. At first Sara had held her own. When Lisa had made her rude comment about Sara just being an "uptight, naive, little girl" right to her face, Sara knew she had to confront her. That type of comment, if allowed to fester, would undermine her supposed authority with the rest of the class. So she politely asked Lisa if she had a problem with her. She never expected Lisa's response and that things would get physical. She also never knew that Lisa would enjoy....love....thrive...on her discomfort and disgust.

Lisa had already been exercising that day. ALOT. She started at home stretching her strong, toned, thick legs and then loosening up with some jumping jacks. She then went for a run. Not a real long one but it was hot and she was really sweating when she got to the exercise studio. She knew she was sweating and stinky. She wanted it like this. She let her hygiene go purposely all day because she knew she was going to initiate a confrontation with Sara. Then she went through the hour long exercise class and again, it was very hot and sticky in the studio. The women always worked up alot of sweat. The few men in the class loved it....the smell of women pervaded everything in the room.

And what you have is telling us about the tussle, rather than showing it to us. You don't describe how Sara is struggling or how Lisa is overpowering her, just that this is happening.
And the story ends as the scene begins. It has gone nowhere.

 

[alirk]

Thank you for the comments and advice. I really appreciate it because I want to write something that is enjoyable and detailed. I understand your point completely and didn't think about it when I first posted. My intention was that this was an introduction and the story details would in other parts. That may not be a good idea and may make the story jump around too much. I am going to keep working on this and hope to write something soon.

 

[mjl2010]

I agree

with the others who have posted.

This is not a story, almost like a forward to a story or a prelude. It is way to short.

You need to lose the clinical descriptions. Giving the womens measurements is something no one cares about, and no one wants to read. While it might, in a way, provide a clue as to the differences in the two women, there are much better ways of accomplishing that. You could describe Sara as tiny, petite, almost waif like. Lisa could be shown as an amazon. Height, weight, bra size, forget those things.

Its an interesting start despite the fact that I'm not interested in Lesbian sex. I'd look for someone who has experience writing to give you a hand with this.

MJL