Looking for feedback...

[SeductiveSarita]

Hi! I've written a story and am looking for detailed feedback on it. I would be grateful if anyone could please help.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=333647

Thanks.

 

[Trombonus]

Hi SeductiveSarita,

I read your story and I thought it was a good first submission. I do have a few suggestions

1) First thing I noticed were several Grammatical mistakes. These little errors can make or break a story. My first story had a lot of grammar errors too, and I got nailed for it. Then I had someone edit it for me, then I resubmitted it and it did a lot better. Even the best writers on Lit have someone go through their writing at least once. That might be something you could look into.

2) One of the first things I learned when I started writing on Lit was that stats don't go over well. I focussed so much on details that I left nothing to the reader's imagination. Instead of using measurements and bra sizes, try and describe things in a visual sense. That way the reader can picture things in their mind a little easier and can focus on what's going on in the story.

3) I felt that some of the people you mentioned in the scene outside the club were a little out of place. I mean you briefly mentioned them and then they went into the club and were never heard from again. Rather than listing all their names, maybe you could use generic phrases like "a group of my friends" or something. Then you could talk about the main characters after they leave. It's not a major thing, but I think your story would read a little smoother.

I hope that helped and that you continue to write.

Trom

 

[SeductiveSarita]

Hi SeductiveSarita,

I read your story and I thought it was a good first submission. I do have a few suggestions

1) First thing I noticed were several Grammatical mistakes. These little errors can make or break a story. My first story had a lot of grammar errors too, and I got nailed for it. Then I had someone edit it for me, then I resubmitted it and it did a lot better. Even the best writers on Lit have someone go through their writing at least once. That might be something you could look into.

2) One of the first things I learned when I started writing on Lit was that stats don't go over well. I focussed so much on details that I left nothing to the reader's imagination. Instead of using measurements and bra sizes, try and describe things in a visual sense. That way the reader can picture things in their mind a little easier and can focus on what's going on in the story.

3) I felt that some of the people you mentioned in the scene outside the club were a little out of place. I mean you briefly mentioned them and then they went into the club and were never heard from again. Rather than listing all their names, maybe you could use generic phrases like "a group of my friends" or something. Then you could talk about the main characters after they leave. It's not a major thing, but I think your story would read a little smoother.

I hope that helped and that you continue to write.

Trom

Hey , thanks for your comments....

I shall try and use your ideas. Thanks for taking the time out.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

yeah... Trom is right about the discription and use of numbers. They suck. Don't do it. If you absolutly have to use a number, write it out. If you need to have a discription make it short and only use it if it is needed later in the story. You will get a lot farther if you don't describe your characters.

Your reader has a mind and an imagination. Render your characters, don't discribe them. Let the reader's imagination create his/her own image. Do you really care if their image isn't exactly like yours?

Stop using the ellipsis. You use it incorrectly.

You could have used a good edit on this story. Here are just a few comments -

Here are two sentences out of a four sentence paragraph of dialogue.

"But your birthday is tomorrow Sarita. Your mother has gone to so much trouble cooking your favourite dishes and she's planning on baking you a cake.

There should be a comma between "tomorrow" and "Sarita". The second sentence is a "Run-on" sentence. If you rewrote the word after the conjunction to be "is" rather than "she's" it would work. As it is you have two complete sentences jambed together with the conjunction, "and".

The next paragraph reads:

My father was trying to reason with me to spend the weekend at home. Ashish, my brother, was studying in London and hadn't been home for a couple of weeks. Somehow my parents though my birthday was reason enough to bring him home.

BOOORIIIIIING!! You went from interesting dialogue to boring discription of the conversation. Let your characters talk and tell their own story.

from that point on, the same errors continue over and over.

You tell a good story and one the wankers on Lit can get off on. You style is fresh - I like it. You can be one of the better writers on Lit.

My advice: keep writing and find an editor.

 

[Trombonus]

Hey , thanks for your comments....

I shall try and use your ideas. Thanks for taking the time out.

You're very welcome.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Hi, Sarita. I told you this was the place to come for feedback.

JJ and Trom have given you plenty to work on. I agree with what they've said except that, unlike JJ, I believe a bit of physical description when introducing a character is usually a good thing. BUT, if you do decide to include some, try to be impressionistic, not realistic.

The only other thing I'll harp about is the opening. There's an old writing adage that the first sentence should be your best, so should the first paragraph, page, and chapter. Many writers use the opening to set-up the story. WRONG. The goal of your opening should be to hook the reader into continuing to read.

There's a semi-brilliant article in the How-To section called, How To Be A Happy Hooker by a modest, self-effacing Lit writer, "ahem" me. Check it out at http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=311940 Next, examine the openings to some of your favorite stories and then take a look at yours.

This is a real life experience that I would like share. First a little about me. I'm a 21 year old Indian girl born and bred in the U.K. I'm 5'6, have a slim line body, long light brownish hair. I'm from the Leeds area, where I stay with my family, namely my mother, father and older brother. I'm currently studying Law at a university in Wales. I was brought up conservatively but have always had a curious mind when it came to sex. I exploited the freedom that university brought along with it, purposely opting for one that was quite a far bit away. Although this was not my first sexual encounter it is one out of a few that stands out in my head. It occurred on the night of my 19th birthday, which was the first I was celebrating away from home.

Rumple Foreskin