Looking for feedback

[crbrianb]

I've not posted much to this forum, but I was wondering if the people here good give me some feedback. Since the public commentary was added, feedback for my stories has stopped. I do not like the public commentaries because they have a tendancy to turn into flame wars from people reading a genre that they have no liking for.

Anyway, my original stories were all based off of true events, and I usually added a little or a lot of fantasy on to it. Those stories did not score high. My latest stories have all been total fiction and scored high. My most recent story has scored real high, and I am looking for some feedback so that I may understand why, and what I can do to my stories to continue scoring high.

Anyway, here is a link to my latest story

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=155783

 

[GingerV]

Hi crbrianb,

I'm not sure what to write this time. I feel kind of hot and cold about this one.

It was a turn on to read, the sex was hot. But I found myself skipping around in the text a lot. It just wasn't a smooth and easy narrative. While the things you were describing were fascinating, the way you described them seemed almost mechanical and choppy.

I think there are a lot of reasons that contribute. Some of them are purely style issues. There's some passive voice (be verbs instead of active verbs) that gets in the way in places. The sentence structure doesn't vary much. You use some words repetitively (parents three times in two consecutive sentences in the fourth paragraph, for example).

Beyond style, I think I get the mechanistic feel because your story deals purely with the physical acts. No-one seems to feel or think much. That's fine, it's a choice you get to make. It's just not usually my choice, and colored my interpretation.

Nonetheless, I'm definately going to be fantasizing about lapdances tonight....so you must've done something right .

G

 

[impressive]

Hi there.

You've got a nice plot, but I got stuck on the repetitive sentence structure to the point that it was distracting.

A little more character development in the beginning might give the reader a better feel for this couple's relationship leading in to their visit to the club. It seems as if it's both "old hat" and "new" at the same time, which put me off a bit.

I also found it interesting that she appeared to be the only woman in the place (other than the dancers). If true, then it deserves a mention.

Keep at it!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It would have helped a lot if you'd given your wife a name. Some paragraphs are so loaded with "my wife" this and "my wife" that that it makes it hard to read.

---dr.M.

 

[lyricalcandy]

The story was pretty hot. It's not in a category I usually browse, but I enjoyed it. I would make 2 suggestions.

1.) Consider giving just a little more background info. I know it's a sequel, but I personally like each separate story to have its own legs ... usually a short flashback or two will suffice. The wife kept referring to what happened the night before, and that might be confusing to one who hasn't read the first story. (I know sequels are hard ... cuz you don't want to restate the whole story either.)

2.) I would think about writing this one in third person. It was slightly awkward to me when the husband couldn't see what the wife was doing (like in the private dances) and then she tells him later. When you write in third person you can cover all the bases at once so that the story doesn't have to go back and forth .... so something like (I'm using the last private dance as a frame of reference)

...While the husband was outside watching the dancers, his wife was in the private room with the last of the college boys. She tried to give him the same lap dance that she had given over a dozen guys last night, but he would have none of it ... he had her sit on his lap facing him while he fingered her to yet another orgasm. He came out with a wet spot on his knee, and she didn't follow for several minutes because she was a little weak in the knees after two orgasms within several minutes ...

It's just my opinion, but I think the story might flow a little more smoothly in third person. Hope I've been semi-helpful.