Looking for feedback

[PatCarrington]

new member, seeking feedback/critique/word- or whiplashing. whatever is appropriate. thanks in advance for your time and tongues.



The Color of Women


as the monochrome of dark draws near
my empty home, I ponder
the wonders of women
and their mystery in the passing
from one end of this lustrous world
to the other,
one start to another,
and, in the sad poverty of my placement,
I remember

the girls who made me rich
with fullness
of body and mind,
with words and souls and beauty that pulled,
who, with the measure and melody
of their love as night painted them
in moonlight
and drew them to my bed
shaded in the hues of evening and need,

opened to me swollen with nature
and the art of their mystic eyes,
those eyes
like the rainbows of soft skies
kissed to tenderness by the memory
of gentle rains,
those arches of affection that hold
in the colors of their bowing
gold for your pockets and heart.

 

[Angeline]

new member, seeking feedback/critique/word- or whiplashing. whatever is appropriate. thanks in advance for your time and tongues.



The Color of Women


as the monochrome of dark draws near
my empty home, I ponder
the wonders of women
and their mystery in the passing
from one end of this lustrous world
to the other,
one start to another,
and, in the sad poverty of my placement,
I remember

the girls who made me rich
with fullness
of body and mind,
with words and souls and beauty that pulled,
who, with the measure and melody
of their love as night painted them
in moonlight
and drew them to my bed
shaded in the hues of evening and need,

opened to me swollen with nature
and the art of their mystic eyes,
those eyes
like the rainbows of soft skies
kissed to tenderness by the memory
of gentle rains,
those arches of affection that hold
in the colors of their bowing
gold for your pockets and heart.

Welcome to the poetry forum, Pat.

I love your poem. It has a beautiful, almost elegaic quality to it. I do have a few suggestions, just tiny revisions I think might help. If you find them useful feel free to use them, if not, no hard feelings. Either way, I much enjoyed reading your poem, and hope you'll hang around and post more.

**********

line 1--the "of" seems superfluous to me, and I think "monochrome dark" is a more interesting-sounding way of putting it

line 10--why "girls" since they're "women" in the title and elsewhere in the poem? Maybe it's just me, but it felt jarring. You could substitute "ones" for "girls" to get meaning across and avoid using "women" again

**********

I looked over the rest of it (in a very picky way, lol) and really couldn't see anything else to change. I like it more every time I read it.

Thanks for sharing it.


Angeline

 

[The Mutt]

Welcome !
This is a lovely poem. It has a beautiful flow that carries the reader along.
I don't understand some of your line breaks and punctuation, but since that is a comment often directed at me, I am not the best person to advise you on it.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for sharing your work.

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

welcome!

i'm not one to be able to tell you much as far as a critique goes but i can say the poem is lovely.

i like the way it flowed from phrase to phrase. very nice poem!

 

[Tathagata]

2 cents

and, in the sad poverty of my placement,
I remember

That's a great line
I've tried to get that feeling across a hundred ways..this does it.

and the art of their mystic eyes,

I use the word " mystic' way too much which is probably why this sticks out to me
I know what you are trying to say...but maybe another word.

impenetrable
profound
transcendental
hallowed
ethereal

Just ideas..mystic just looked to obvious a choice

if it has to relate to art, as in occult arts...
beguiling, bewitching

those arches of affection that hold
in the colors of their bowing
gold for your pockets and heart.

That is breathtaking
arches of affection
what a great phrase...
Once you read it...it's so obvious but i'd have never thought of it.

Some very nice writing.

You have studied your subject well



Stick around you'll be fine here

T

 

[tungtied2u]

The way this is woven, light, dark,richness, paucity does indeed create a many hued effect.
And does honor to women you reflect upon.
Heartfelt. Thank you.

 

[tarablackwood22]

new member, seeking feedback/critique/word- or whiplashing. whatever is appropriate. thanks in advance for your time and tongues.



The Color of Women


as the monochrome of dark draws near
my empty home, I ponder
the wonders of women
and their mystery in the passing
from one end of this lustrous world
to the other,
one start to another,
and, in the sad poverty of my placement,
I remember

the girls who made me rich
with fullness
of body and mind,
with words and souls and beauty that pulled,
who, with the measure and melody
of their love as night painted them
in moonlight
and drew them to my bed
shaded in the hues of evening and need,

opened to me swollen with nature
and the art of their mystic eyes,
those eyes
like the rainbows of soft skies
kissed to tenderness by the memory
of gentle rains,
those arches of affection that hold
in the colors of their bowing
gold for your pockets and heart.

Oh.....I think this will do.

 

[PatCarrington]

meant to get back sooner than this. life conspires.

ANGELINE – thanks for your compliments and suggestions. i’ve
been through a slew of lines 1s, including yours.

monochrome dark/monochromatic dark/monochrome of dark/ monochrome of darkness.

i know monochrome can be used as an adjective /it just didn’t feel right somehow. i guess i have to pick one don’t i!

the reason for the use of the word ‘girls’ in line 10/which i do not want to be jarring/my intention was to make it clear or at least infer in the first stanza that the man is near life’s end and looking back/looking back on women as they were and not as he is now/as if he has aged but they have not.

does that make sense to you the way it is written?

MUTT/BLUESKY/TUNGTIED/TARA – thank you for the time you took reading and leaving comments. i accept them/and the hearts/with grace.

TATHAGATA –

i think i use the word mystic too much too/why is that?/i don't know/pet words are hard to avoid/i think it works here/but i always think it works!/that is not possible/is it?

thank you all for your kindness/critique/and encouragement.

may i ask if posting here is an improper way to receive critique? is there a more accepted way of going about it? i looked for a set of rules without luck.


pat

 

[Reltne]

may i ask if posting here is an improper way to receive critique? is there a more accepted way of going about it? i looked for a set of rules without luck.

You did just fine. Read the Welcoming thread on this forum Welcome Thread, starting with the second & third post.

 

[Angeline]

Pat, thanks for responding to my comments.

With your explanation, the use of "girls" makes perfect sense. I was an editor for many years, and the first thing they teach you in editor school (aka the Chicago Manual of Style, lol) is "be consistent." Of course that's great for informational prose, but often death for poetry. So yes, leave it as "girls"--I receive the meaning now.

As for your line 1, I have to say I'm still not fond of the preposition. After all, darkness is monochrome (or can be, anyway). For me a monochrome of dark or darkness suggests something slightly different--not just a shade that is without color, but a state of emptiness. Maybe that is splitting hairs though or maybe the latter, wider meaning is actually better for your purposes. In any case, I think it's a nitpick on my part; it's really a matter of preference.

And your starting a thread for feedback is a common thing around here--I've done that in the past when I want to hear opinions before I actually submit a poem.

Hope this helps.


Ange

 

[PatCarrington]

RELTNE - thank you very much. that works.

ANGELINE - thank you for taking so much time with this/ if i knew how to get those goofy licorice lips up, I'd put a set here for you/kiss.


pat