Looking for feedback yet again

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

My newest story is now up. Please share your thoughts and/or criticisms with me.
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Many Thanks
Wicked

 

[kristydoll]

Great story!! It was a nice little read to start the morning *grins*

They laid there in bed with their backs to each other. Brooding over the argument that erupted when John told her that they needed to do something to bring the sizzle back to their bed.Beth had argued that John wasn't showing her the attention he once did in the bedroom. That he was more into himself being pleased than he was pleasing her. She huffed about how he didn't touch her anymore, didn't gaze lustfully and longingly into her eyes as they made love. He didn't caress her and make her feel sexy, kiss her and make her wanton with lust as he did in the past. That he was always in such a hurry to please him, getting to his own orgasm without caring if she got there. She missed the hours of foreplay that led to the longer hours of intense passion they shared once upon a time. She just didn't feel like he was attracted to her anymore, so why bother with his little fantasies to make it better for him.

I thought that this would have been a great place for dialogue instead of the author telling us this. It helps break up the narrative and involves the reader more. You did good with this later on in the story -good stuff.

I really enjoyed the "mix-up" on the call - very nice touch added.

My only other comment would be, in places, you have two people "speaking" in the same paragragh.

"You have magical fingers Sal", John told her as he started to relax under her touch. "My wife told me she had a surprise for me but I never expected this". "Oh, well that was nice of her to think of this for a gift, so few people think of buying a massage for a gift. Is it your birthday or anniversary", Salina asked?"No I wish I could say that this was all brought on by an occasion like that, but truth is we had a big argument and I guess this is her way of making up. And not a bad way to say I'm sorry if I do say so", John groaned as Salina worked out a kink in his lower back. He was so completely relaxed he would have fallen asleep had it not been for the knock at the door.

Just minor things though in a well-written story.

Keep up the great work.

kristy

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Thanks Kristy. Glad you enjoyed it.
I tend to write in one long paragraph and then go back and seperate things where they should be. I guess I missed a few. Thanks for pointing them out to me.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[BigTexan]

My newest story is now up. Please share your thoughts and/or criticisms with me.
Back To Good
Many Thanks
Wicked

WNE,

This was a good story. Your sex scene was very erotic and well written.

Now, please take this the way I mean it, as a constructive observation, and not a criticism at all. This story spent a lot of time telling the reader things that should have been shown instead. Doing this would have lengthened the story some, but it would have been worth it.

Once you started the sex, all that dropped away and your writing was excellent.

Anyway it was a very good story. Thanks for sharing it with us.

BT

 

[Zaudika]

I loved the story.. Very fun, a good picture painted, and great sex scene.
-Zaudika

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Big Texan and Zaudika thanks for your obsevations and feedback. I really think my writing has improved with the feedback I get from the readers. Thanks again
Wicked

 

[damppanties]

Hi Wicked,

I'm not sure if you'd really like to know this, but I'll tell you anyway. I'm in the third paragraph in your story and I notice that you use words which start with 'b' a lot. An example:

They laid there in bed with their backs to each other. Brooding over the argument that erupted when John told her that they needed to do something to bring the sizzle back to their bed

Just an observation... don't know if it's helpful or not. It jumped out at me so I thought I'd tell you.

I echo kristy's request for more dialogue. I'd also like it if the paragraphs were broken down. In some places they're too long.

I'd have liked a li'l something with Sal too

Nice story. Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Thanks D.P. I'm sure your suggestions will help tremendously in future works. I had considered something with Sal but wanted to keep him faithful LOL.
Zaudika glad you enjoyed it, sex scenes are the easiest part for me to write, glad it was good.
Wicked

 

[LivingUnicorn]

WNE;

This was a very very nicely done story. I really enjoyed reading it. I must admit that I was a little disappointed that Sal didn't get involved. I would have liked to have seen her join in for a nasty little threesome

Still the fidelity issue is there and I understand your desire to "keep him faithful."

Good luck and keep writing. I really enjoy your stories.

LU

 

[Guest]

Hey Wicked!

All in all I think it was a very delightful story and I truly did enjoy reading it. I think you should have done a little more with the idea/concept that included Bill on the phone while she was masturbating for him....that could have been a little longer with some additional dialoge going on that would have better enhanced that particular theme.....which for me was a highlight, shortened all too quickly for my tastes....but then, that's just me.
LOL......

I loved the "hooker" thing in the hotel, that was great....and "assume" that you didn't want any "additional" people involved, hence the "relax" only massage. So I can understand that part....however, I WAS waiting for the massage therapist to "warm" him up so to speak...and that never happened.

Anyway....I enjoyed the story very much. Good job!

I remain,

 

[SapphoLust]

Back to Good

Like the story.. The beginning set up was a bit long for me but later I understood its detailed purpose..
enjoyed the sex scene!
Keep writing! & thanks for the feedback on mine!

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Sandman and Sappholust thank you both very much for your feedback. Seems everyone would like to have seen a little something with Sal, maybe next time, LOL. Again thanks for reading it and for the positive feedback.
Wicked