Looking for feedback, please

[happenstance]

I am looking for some feedback to my incest-themed story. Thank you.

http://www.literotica.com/s/difficult-times-bring-happiness

 

[Guest]

I feel a little duped

delete

 

[happenstance]

It seems that this story has been up for quite some time. With 41,000 views and 12 comments you have a lot to work with. True, the comments you have received are harsh and fail to take into consideration the time and effort it takes to write, but some of the points are valid.

You begin with a very long back story. This is particularly difficult to do, and it requires the reader to establish immediate empathy with the protagonist to follow the chain of events that lead her to the run down hovel of an ampartment. A genuine concern is that the circumstances described become both contradictory and contrived. On the contardictory side, we have a caring, loving mother that allows prostitutes to board with her children? Even though the boarders are often drunk and influence the children negatively she allows the situation to continue? The children are 18 and 19 years old, yet Mom does all the domestic chores and checks homework as though the kids were in first grade? I'm sorry, just too many plot bunnies that don't add up. As to the contrived elements, oh my where to begin. It was almost as dark as a greek tragedy where calamity follows woe and beyond.

The one comment I hope you take to heart is to tighten the work so that it is easier to manage both for you and the reader. 7 lit pages would easily mean 63 pages of raw material. I applaud the effort, but would encourage more cutting and tightening so that it holds the readers interest. A great example is litfan10's The Deal series. Though extensive in the number of chapters, it is managed brilliantly and carries the reader from episode to episode with quick scenes that develop both the plot and characters.

I wish you well, but take sometime with the subsequent chapters. If this is the first of 8 you won't have many subsequent readers for the next set. Series readership tends to go down, not up. Normally, the sucess of chapter one is the basis for the second chapter and beyond. You might consider an extensive re-write of the first chapter before moving to the second installment.

Hello Surelywilder,

Sorry for not making it clear that the story wasn't new. The reason why I asked for feedback here was because I wanted some constructive feedback, like yours, instead of just one-line attacks.

When I began the story, I was very nervous because I wanted to take the story from one stage to the other and that, as you said, is a difficult thing to pull off. I thought I had created enough empathy for readers to keep reading, but the comments proved that I was clearly wrong.

About the contradictory part, I wanted to portray the children under 18, as that would have made more sense, but the rules of this website say they have to be over 18, so I was left with no choice but to leave it to the readers imagination.

As far as the contrived part is concerned, I will try to make it less of a Greek tragedy and more of an easy read.

I will rework the story, shorten it, fix the grammatical mistakes, make it less contrived, rephrase the contradictory parts and then hopefully people will leave some pleasant comments.

What was really surprising was that the story did not click with anybody, even though it was very detailed, even the colors of the clothes were well-researched, and had something for everyone. The response took me by surprise.

Surelywilder - I truly appreciate it that you took time to read my story and then provided me with clear cut constructive suggestions. Thanks.

Happenstance

 

[Guest]

delete

 

[Sunndance07]

Replace the word 'cuny' with 'pussy'....its just a better word