Looking for feedback on the first part of my story...

[DrummerBoy418]

Keeping in mind that this is just the first part of my story, and that it is in NO way the final version of said part, I was hoping for some feedback from you guys on this story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=315599

It's called "The Flight to Jougin 9."

I'm hoping to develope the characters a little bit more in the following parts when I get around to writing them. I'm trying to make sure that I'm resonably happy with the first part first though.

 

[damppanties]

I noticed is that you use too many commas in the first part of the story and not enough in the second part. I use a comma where there needs to be a light pause in reading, and your story has too many pauses in the beginning and when you get into the action, you forget to put them in where they're needed.

I'd take take care of some words that occur quite close together in your story.
I couldn't see as that I had much hope. My only hope was...
I could instantly tell from the distinctive blue color, it was made from the distinctive metal known as donais.

My only hope was that someone had missed their flight, or needed to get off quickly, and would hire me for the job.
Hehe. Remember we're on a porn site.

She had noticed the Yourtiki...
This sentence should be the start of a new paragraph.

With all the weight of his furry body, he leaned over and said to her, "I'll just take your purse and there won't be any need for violence."
The start of the sentence reads awkwardly to me. How about 'He leaned his furry body towards/over her and said...' You don't need to mention he says what he says 'to her'. It is obvious.

...walked back over to the bar. She leaned over it and asked the bartender a question. I couldn't hear what she said...
He could hear their conversation perfectly till now. So why can't he hear what she said to the bartender?

He slipped a blaster from a compartment on his utility belt <snip> You thought I'd be the damsel in distress, didn't you?"
This paragraph - it has too much action. 1. The Yourtiki tries to kill her but is killed. 2. The narrator realises he has underestimated her. 3. She talks to the bartender and (apparently asks about means to get off the moon) and he points in the guys' direction. 4. She comes over and talks to him. It needs to be broken down into different paragraphs. The rule is, when you shift focus from one character to another or when a new character speaks, change paragraphs.

I skimmed after the point from where they get into the ship. The sex is hurried and not very descriptive at first - not according to the pace of the story. Then its like you catch yourself and consciously slow down.

I liked the end - makes me look forward to more. You've got the sense of adventure down right.

 

[_Lynn_]

I noticed a lot of phrase, commas.
"I had money enough for maybe two days, if I stretched it thin."
It would be tough to stretch my money to last two days. or... similar

You have a lot of "ly" words to describe. Work at finding words to fit into the sentence better.
((-ly words being the lazy way to describe ))

An odd sequence of sentences.
"From here, it looked like a vodkaline. I couldn't tell for sure though, and she downed it quickly."

Just a few of the things I found in the part I read. A start for sure. Find yourself a good editor.

Good luck. My opinion is all. ML

 

[DrummerBoy418]

The problem was that I didn't find anyone to edit my work. I was looking for one, but nobody got to it or wanted to.

So I decided I'd post it and then get your feedback. Then, I could eventually repost it at some point when I had gotten enough feedback to make a few changes.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

The problem was that I didn't find anyone to edit my work. I was looking for one, but nobody got to it or wanted to.

So I decided I'd post it and then get your feedback. Then, I could eventually repost it at some point when I had gotten enough feedback to make a few changes.

Did you try posting a request in the Editor's forum?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Or try ---> http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=79818

KillerMuffin is great.

 

[DrummerBoy418]

Did you try posting a request in the Editor's forum?

Actually, word got out that I was interested in writing a story, and three people sent word of interest in editing it. So I sent them the story when it was done, and none of them got back to me. I didn't want to wait any longer to get it up on Literotica, so I thought this would be a suitable way to go forth with my editing.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Actually, word got out that I was interested in writing a story, and three people sent word of interest in editing it. So I sent them the story when it was done, and none of them got back to me. I didn't want to wait any longer to get it up on Literotica, so I thought this would be a suitable way to go forth with my editing.

For the most part, we don't edit here, we just give you a brief critique. I don't consider myself qualified to edit. What I would suggest is that you place a thread in the editors forum and give it a few days.