Looking for feedback on my first story "Meeting Mr. Siegel"

[Ashley19xx]

Hey guys/gals,

My first story recently got published and I am looking to learn and improve. I'd be especially interested in a/the male perspective. I actually thought about writing the next part from the male perspectice. Thanks in advance!

Thanks,

Ashley

 

[yukonnights]

To me, Pt.01 has some problems; 1) It comes across as over-the-top of reality/belieabilty. 2) It contains too many cliche descriptions for Ashley's body — and since it is Ashley doing the descriptions, it makes her come across as very shallow and self-absorbed. Granted, this may have been your intent … but IMO it didn't make her appealing at all. 3) It is highly improbable that a mature male math teacher would be careless enough to threaten his career by taking her up on her offer for sex if he gives her an A for the algebra class. 4.) This last one gets us all at times, but the story has quite a few editing issues. Perhaps seek out a friend to proofread the story before publishing.

This makes me wonder; What if Ashley was naturally (and normally) beautiful but unsure of herself. And yet she had to do something to pass the class. That would at least make her more likable. The note she put on her test is very unlikely to work in the real world. What if it wasn't the middle age math teacher who helps her but someone more believable — perhaps some other man in her life / a male classmate, etc. ?

Since this feedback is all done in an attempt to help you grow as a writer, here's some broad story basics;

Tension, Conflict & Release

The general idea of having "something (or "things") in the story that interferes with the main character(s) goal/plan/desire/hope, is to create doubt (uncertainty) in the reader as they read through the story. Without this doubt, interest can wain — it's a foregone conclusion that it'll all turn out as expected. Release/Resolution is a result of tension. Tension is a result of conflict. Conflict is a result of opposing desires/needs/wants. Try to never write in a way that the reader feels like it's a foregone conclusion half way into the story. In general; A story where; Nobody is going to fight anything. Everyone will be cool with it. Everything is simply going through the motions, is not very engaging.

Please take all of this as an effort to help you be better and in no way is it intended to squelch your desire to write. Hope some of this helps ~

 

[Ashley19xx]

Thank you, I appreciate your candid feedback. It's a sexual fantasy that is partly based in reality. I am not trying to make the character/me likeable. Sometimes the hottest/wildest sex is with someone you cannot stand. It's superficial, egotistical, and seems dreamed up, but tell me there is no teacher that has not had that fantasy. Maybe he did not act on it, because there are real world consequences but that's why it's a fantasy. Nevertheless, I appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion with me ;-)

 

[HectorBidon]

I liked your story. The writing is competent. It's a decent first submission.

I don't agree fully with yukonnights. It seems pretty clear that the main character is a persona that you created who at least tries to present herself as being an over-the-top sexpot who's able to get boys to do what she wants (although we never actually see her doing this in practice.) The sassy personality she projects in the opening part of the story is engaging and interesting and certainly appropriate for an erotic story,

At the same time, you give the sense that the over-the-topness is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, and that you the author are not the shallow character you're writing about. You say "I was young, dumb, my hormones were running wild, and thought I was hot shit." This implies that the narrator is not the 18-year-old A herself, but an older, more mature version of her who is looking back at her escapades after having acquired a bit of wisdom and life experience. However, we don't really hear this older, more mature narrator's voice much throughout the rest of the chapter.

One important part of the story that I thought was missing was the development of A's crush on Mr. S. You present the first stirrings of her feelings on the first day of class, but then you jump in the very next sentence to exam day. I would have liked to see a longer transition in which we got to see how the semester progressed and how A's infatuation grew, Perhaps a couple of the classroom incidents that provided the fodder for her daydreams and pearl tickling, Perhaps an elaboration of her conflicting feelings of just wanting to get the better of him and real sexual attraction.

Another place where I felt something was missing was the transition from her house to Mr. S's. This should be a dramatic high point of the story. Her teacher has come to her home, come into her bedroom, lied to her father, and taken her away with him. The two of them are now alone together, with all the cards on the table. But all you give us is "Not much was said during the drive." Geeminy! Even if they didn't speak, it would have been a pretty fraught silence, and A's mind must have been awash with thoughts and feelings. As a reader I wanted to hear them.

I felt this lack of emotional resonance throughout the whole last part of the chapter. Where did A's sassiness go? Was she excited that her seduction had worked, that she'd gotten a boy---a man---to do what she wanted? Or was she starting to sense that maybe she'd gotten in over her head? I didn't get a clear sense at all of what A was thinking and feeling during the scene. You say things like "I cried out with pleasure," but it didn't sound very convincing. I got the impression that maybe you the author weren't sure exactly what she was feeling either.

So, anyway, my advice might be: Figure out whether you're writing just a fun sex story or a more thoughtful exploration of A's youthful character. Try to give the narrator a consistent voice throughout. Try to imagine the emotions that your character would really feel in each scene, and make sure they come through. Even if they're conflicted, make sure the conflictiion comes through.

On a more technical note. You often give A's thoughts as direct statements in single quotes. In some places it probably would have been more straightforward to just have the narrator express the thought indirectly. For example:

'Wonder if Mr. Siegel feels the same way," I thought to myself as I applied more pink lip-gloss.

You could have said:

As I applied more pink lip-gloss I wondered whether Mr.Siegel felt the same way.

Sometimes you mix single-quoted thoughts in between double-quoted dialog, which tripped me up a couple times. Another way would have been to put the thought in italics.

'What in the fuck,' I thought.

"Dad, it's Allyson's 18th bday. We had this planned for almost a year!"

It would have been a little more streamlined to say:

What in the fuck? "Dad, it's Allyson's 18th bday. We ... "

(The way to get italics in Lit is to put code directly into your text like this: <i>What in the fuck?</i> )

Also: "wine" not "whine."

So, anyway, hope this helps. Keep on writing. You're off to a good start.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Interesting story, and not bad for a first try.

1) The idea of a teacher showing up at a student's house and her father ordering her to go out with the teacher is far fetched.
2) There seems to be some paragraphing and grammar distractions.
3) The end leading to a Part 2 was rather abrupt. It's as if that was the bottom of a page, and not the end of a chapter.

But, I'll give you a 4 for the imagery, even though student/teacher affairs are not my preferred genre.

 

[Recooter]

Thank you, I appreciate your candid feedback. It's a sexual fantasy that is partly based in reality. I am not trying to make the character/me likeable. Sometimes the hottest/wildest sex is with someone you cannot stand. It's superficial, egotistical, and seems dreamed up, but tell me there is no teacher that has not had that fantasy. Maybe he did not act on it, because there are real world consequences but that's why it's a fantasy. Nevertheless, I appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion with me ;-)

Thought was exciting