Looking for feedback on latest story

[hailhydra]

It's mainly a femdom story that features cfnm. If you're into that sort of thing and don't mind taking some time to review my story, that would be great.

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-newest-coworker

 

[8letters]

I'm not a noncon/reluc reader, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

When Mandy said that she was good friends with Monica, the story lost credibility with me. How could Mandy not tell her significant other that a good friend was working at the same law firm as him? To not say anything as her guy told her how Monica rubbed him the wrong way and the mean things he did to her? She should have told him that Monica was applying for the job. At first, I thought Mandy had to be lying to him about being good friends with Monica as a justification for treating him as a bad slave.

Was noncon/reluc the right category for this as opposed to BDSM? I don't read either, but the story seemed to have more BDSM elements.

 

[hylas_]

I enjoyed the story! I think it's well written. It shows in a couple of spots that it hasn't been proof-read (right?), but it's mostly minor things.

It doesn't bother me that Mandy is, essentially, playing some fucked up mind games here. No, this wouldn't be a healthy relationship IRL, but it works for me as a fantasy.



A couple of critical thoughts:

- I wish the description of Mandy was a little less porny/corny. I realise that it's a fantasy, and that Mandy is also supposed to form a contrast to the less attractive Monica. But still.

- "a bunch of strange fetishes": nothing that follows in the story seems all that strange to me.

- Hiding supplies is one thing, but poking Monica in the rib regularly would probably get the POV character fired real quick, especially since Monica works at HR. Took me out of the story.

- I wish the story put less emphasis on how Monica is miserable because she doesn't have a maaaaan. Kind of rubs me the wrong way. She's having a hard time because she just went through a break-up, not because she doesn't have a maaaaaaan.

- At one point, Mandy speaks in a "promiscuous voice". That's probably an auto-correct fail?

- "Most of all, even though I would never admit it in a million years, watching Mandy dominate me like this was turning me on. " That doesn't add up with what came before. Earlier, it was established that Mandy had acted as a dom in the past, and is experienced with knots. Why would the POV character "never admit in a million years" that he enjoyed subbing?

- I liked that, in the 1st sex scene, it's not all about the pleasure of the guy, and Mandy gets to have an orgasm. I think it's a pity that that aspect then gets lost in the 2nd sex scene.


Hope some of this was helpful! Good work!