Looking for Feedback on First Story

[lusty_larry]

Hey there. I've been a reader here for a long time, but finally got inspired to write a story and submit it. I probably should've asked for feedback BEFORE it was posted, but at least now it's accessible (and I just wanted to get it out there!)

Any chance I could get some feedback, either here in the forum or by PM? I'm not sensitive about feedback - I've written lots of other stuff, just not erotic, so I don't care if you post the feedback here or in a private message.

It's a pretty standard Erotic Coupling story:

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-rose-by-any-other-name-3

Thanks.

 

[Lien_Geller]

You asked for it!

I liked this! It’s pretty standard stuff as you said. Nothing mind blowing or genre transcending but it does what it sets out to do almost flawlessly. I did spot a few problems and a few things that probably aren’t problems but nagged at me anyway. Still, just in case you’re waiting for me to drop an axe whilst you read this or anything like that then I’m certainly not about to. It was a very good erotic tale.

First I’ll jump into the things that bothered me.

Some of your descriptive writing could do with looking over. It’s nothing crippling but you could use an editor. (Ha! Me telling people to use an editor. My head might explode at any moment due to the hypocrisy overload.) Things like this show up as examples:

‘Like a path into a dark forest’ – Now I might be in the minority here but as a simile for cleavage this just made me think her boobs were covered in pine needles and felt slightly ominous to look at.

‘Narrow legs’ – I’d go for ‘slender’ instead. It might be overused but ‘narrow’ just sounds a little unhealthy.

‘It was the black hair that is perfectly straight and somehow always grabs the light in just the right way. It was the black hair that only Asian girls seem to be lucky enough to have, and she had it in spades.’ – Now I can tell by the rest of the story that you can do better than this. Silky, smooth, midnight locks that poured down across her shoulders perfectly framing her beautiful far eastern features. This reads in short like ‘Her hair was black…and…um…Asian. Yeah…Asian. Lots of Asian.’*cough*’

Another thing that I noticed is that you’re often quite trigger happy with commas. You often put them where they’re not needed and sometimes use them as a substitute for splitting up sentences.

‘I was glad to know that Emily had gotten an A, and tried not to read too much into the x's and o's at the end, but, watching TV an hour later, even just thinking that they could mean something started to get my dick hard, and fifteen minutes later I was in the shower, cleaning up after shooting a massive load, one that I imagined spreading across Emily's perfect tits.’ - I just tried reading that and barely managed to avoid a collapsed lung. Try reading your stories aloud to yourself to see if the stuff flows properly.

‘The card smelled like Emily -- it's funny, because I never really noticed that she had a distinctive smell, but as soon as I pulled the card out, I was instantly reminded that that's what Emily smelled like.’ – You missed out something important there. What does she smell like? If you’re going to try to stimulate our senses then give us a hint where to go with it. All I got from this was ‘Emily smells.’ Which was probably not what you were after.

Now those are all minor technical things that a couple more drafts and an editor will help you iron out easily. None of the problems destroy the story. If you’re looking to improve your story construction I’d spend more time on character building. We don’t learn much about the personality of the narrator. The first section of the story made me think he was quite a timid and shy guy so when the second paragraph started with him out on the hunt for poontang I was knocked off balance a little.

Fully fleshed out characters aren’t really a necessity for this site since a lot of people come here for the sexy time but I’m just mentioning it in case you’re looking to expand. I find stories much more interesting when I like the characters personally as well as wanting to nail the hot chick. ;o) With that said though I didn’t dislike these two either, they just lacked any sort of real anima outside the sex.

So out with the bad and on to the good! Well as I said this definitely caters to the ‘sexy time’ demographic of Lit. The sex is very well told and described, the tension before the crescendo is well built and extraordinarily hot. Your descriptive writing when it comes to the sex is much better for some reason than when you’re describing your characters (With a score that leaps from 5/10 to 8-9/10). You’ve got a great imagination for erotic situations and I was disappointed that you didn’t include the other characters like Emily’s mum or her roommate.

I also noticed that in the earlier part of the tale your dialogue between the characters was very good. During the sex the dirty talk was an effective turn on but I’m always of the belief that if you can form coherent words during sex then you’re doing it wrong.

So yeah overall it was great stuff. Main points being that you need to go over your work more after its finished or get an editor to help you out. Certain parts of this also seem very slightly rushed so take some more time with your tale and delve into character as well as taking a closer look at your descriptive writing.

Hope you find my ramblings helpful!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

lusty_larry, love the moniker and congrats on your debut post. I think it's pretty good.

Before any pernickety points can I say that I thought your style of writing from Curt's personal POV whilst letting Emily be sexual tiger worked really well. I know it's not 'stretching the erotic envelope' - but who cares? It's a really enjoyable erotic romp.

I liked it because you wrote with Emily in control and my partner loved it for the way Curt was seduced and entrapped by the female. Seems to work whatever the chromosomes.

Boring stuff: first person POV is very effective for erotica but needs attention. I think you handle it pretty well but would quibble at this;

So I suppose at this point you think you know where this is going.

Curt is telling a story and I, a mere reader, am just a voyeur. Please, in 1st person POV, don't talk to the reader and bring distance to your emotional narrative.

I thought I knew where it was going, too -- that I would show up some day at their house

For me, if you had simply written, 'I thought I could just show up some day at their house and... (Tanya/Emily etc.)' would have been much more dramatic.

You -the author - are not part of the story and we -the readers - are just the voyeurs sitting in the cheap seats. Let the action unfurl onstage.

The days passed like molasses, each one stretching out.

I think you let your metaphors get the better of you.

Yes, I think you need a bit of tidying-up and, yes, you stay within the comfort zone that most of us use - but this is a really good first post and you should be proud of yourself.

Write more and post links here.

Elle

 

[lusty_larry]

Thanks to both of you for both the critiques and the encouragement!

I, love, commas.

I love them too much. It's always been an issue with my writing and is something I'll pay closer attention to.

I totally agree about the narrator addressing the reader; I'm not sure why I did that in the first place.

I think the biggest thing was just my anticipation at wanting to get my story posted, rather than taking a third or fourth look at it myself. An editor would help, but most of the things the two of you mentioned are things I probably could've caught and addressed myself.

Thanks again for taking the time to read it - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

[RAS9611]

kinda thinking that having emily and curt have 2 different sexcapades separated by the week and the e-mail broke the flow of the story a bit. i thought the build up to meeting the "Amy" was good albeit pretty expected, but have you thought about trying a write with the oral and the copulation all in one quick night? then may have the "Rose" appointment in a public place where not wearing panties would be taboo? i mean, she was in her living room... the times i haven't worn panties in my living room could fill a warehouse. maybe a build up of "she's not wearing panties in a public place and i can feel them in my pocket." might be hot.

i'm not much on standard punctuation, so your use of commas didn't bother me at. i even kinda get it since it's all from curt's POV, wtf does he care about punctuation (not to mention i kinda got the--and i know this isn't in the story as such-- but a geeky guy turned suave by age.

oh! and thank you for not making it Ch. 1 or part 1 of whatever... i like that it feels like a stand alone story even with the open ending.

and and and thank you for sharing. it was a fun read.

RAS

 

[lusty_larry]

Thanks - yeah, I had originally written a couple parts to take place in a different order, so her not wearing panties made a little more sense. Not in a public place, though, but I totally see where you're coming from.

I do plan on using some of the characters again, and some of the other characters (Jen, the roommate, and Tanya, the mom) in other stories, but I'm not a big fan of reading Chapter 26 or 41 or whatever of a story - I like to keep them self-contained.

Thanks again for checking it out and taking the time to leave feedback.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I do plan on using some of the characters again, and some of the other characters (Jen, the roommate, and Tanya, the mom) in other stories, but I'm not a big fan of reading Chapter 26 or 41 or whatever of a story - I like to keep them self-contained.

I'm not keen on long chaptered series either. Paco Fear wrote a great series of stories that were self-contained but used the same characters. Worth a look.

For some (long) time I've been trying to finish a short series using the concept of the film 'Sliding Doors' . Girl needs to rush back to her apartment but depending on whether she reaches the platform before the subway doors close, she either finds her boyfriend cheating on her or doesn't.

Just thought that you could start several stories the same, up until, "I thought I could just show up at their house one day. . . " then take each story in totally different directions.

On commas, a little trick is to read the story out loud, deliberately pausing at each comma. If it seems strange then the comma is probably out of place.

You do have a few run-on sentences where a period would be better than a comma but it's not too bad.