Looking for feedback on a new story 'Hunt Club'

[MyWords2345]

Looking for feedback on a new story named 'Hunt Club'. It is a continuation of my very first submitted story 'The Hike'.

Looking for comments and constructive criticism on my story. I hope I have improved my writing after my first story.

Here is the link to: Hunt Club

If you have not read 'The Hike', here is the link: The Hike It sets up the storyline for the Hunt Club.

Thank you for your time.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read both stories and also the feedback you recieved from the first story. It's hard to seperate them though so some of this feedback will relate to both stories. I'm not sure you've addressed much the main issues that came up with the first story. I think there is a good, erotic story here, but you are still having problems telling it.

1 - one good thing is that you've now seperated your story into clear sections. That was an issue in the first story with the perspective changing suddenly from Tracy and Adam to Sam and Harry.
2 - there's a bit more dialogue in the beginning of the story and this time Tracy objects a bit more to their outrageous suggestion, but this drops off quickly and the rest of the story is mostly silent sex again.
3 - I think 3,000 or so words is a little bit too little to tell this story. I think people said some of your paragraphs were long before, but this seems to rush through what could be a much more developed story.
4 - We have almost no information about Sam and Harry - some people like details to be kept vague because they can then fit themselves or their sexual fantasies onto that person - but here we have literally nothing - they could be 50-year old grizzled woodmen, 30-year old dad's with beerguts or college jocks. You describe Tracy a bit in part one, but it would be good to remind the reader about her in part two. Her trip to the hairdresser might have been a good time to do this.
5 - I'm not sure I understand the exactly what this Hunt Club is. It is some kind of weird fetish club for outdoor sex or is it just literally a club for hunting. If the latter, then is this kind of sexual activity usual for the club? Are they gangbanging every year? Or did everyone else submit photos of deer or rabbits but the dogging picture won and for the first time ever things got crazy? There's no kind of context given for what's going on.
6 - I think the major issue with the story is how you use persepctive. It's written in what's know as omnipotent third-person - that is to say the narrator know everything that is going on and what everyone is feeling - except that none of these feelings is very deep. We get to occassionally know what each of them is thinking, but not very much. That means that we feel very detatched from the action. There's not really a sense in which this is Tracey's story or Sam's story - it's everyones story and as a result feels a bit like no-one's story.

People said before that your story has no soul. I kind of agree with that in the sense that there's really not a lot of drama or characters or descriptions in the story. There's really not any sense that she might not go through with it, or she might not love it. It's wall to wall fucking with a female character with very little personality and two male characters with basically no personality except that required to push the girl into the sexual situation. As noted, the set-up could work and some of the sex is appropriately dirty and twisted, but it also feels very mechanical still.

 

[MyWords2345]

Appreciate your detailed feedback, TheRedChamber. Thank you.