Looking for feedback - erotic coupling, 1st submit

[sexual improv]

Hey there,

I'm new to Literotica and want to provide good content. I'd appreciate your feedback on this story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52113

I've submitted two more but they haven't been posted yet.

Thanks...

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Witty and fun

I got the sense you were having a blast writing this. I really liked it--witty, offbeat, and entertaining. The biggest deficiency was that there were some puzzling jumps between first-person and third person POV that threw me off a bit.

Particular points:

Opening lines: I loved the tension created by the contrasting comments of the aging hippie instructor and the sarcastic protagonist. Nice start.

Also, I really liked the short flashback sequence. All too many erotic stories I read have the same linear quality: time progresses inexorably in one direction forward from the opening to the climactic ending. The flashback gives the story a literary feel.

"I've already been married, I don't need to relive that," I laughed.

I laughed, too. But the effect would have better if Sean had dead-panned this. It would have been more consistent with the personality that is evidenced at the start: droll and sarcastic. He too often chuckles at his own wit. The impression I got was that you were 'cueing' the reader 'now it's time to laugh.'

Oh, okay, I'll cum," I laughed.

Another example. Though this one bothered me more because the come/cum play on words is so overused it's long since gotten tiresome and, in any event, it's one that is self-evident in print, though not so to a listener (like the character Vanessa). It's like an inside joke that only we the readers are cued into.

But Sean felt very strongly that he would love to go down on Kelly.

At this point for four paragraphs, the narrative switches to third person. I couldn't figure out why.

My alphabet consisted of the typeface Garamond, which meant I added serifs when and as needed, and had a much longer track to lick with my tongue.

You were on a roll here. Intelligent wit combined with sex--great combination.


The final six paragraphs have two more Point of View switches from first to third to first to third.

Kelly's closing statement sets up the next chapter nicely; leaves me wondering what's up.

Though the ending query was weak. Having the narrator abruptly 'speak' to the reader was awkward.

But overall a very good read. More wit than eroticism, but that's a refreshing change.

 

[sexual improv]

a lot to digest...

Thanks, that's pretty informative. I've been writing stories like this for years to lovers and friends but never tried this type of forum. I need to treat it more like publishing. (My lit and screenplay agents say the same thing.) I'm going to take those comments and see about combinign them into a re-write. Yes, I switch 1st to 3rd all the time. Notorious for it. Fortunately my agent is a former editor so she loves tearing out the bad and replacing it with good.

I do want to contribute good works, so I appreciate oyur comments.

Thanks.

Living's about making mistakes.
Dying's about wishing you'd made more.

 

[Dougy]

Quite frankly, I have read a relatively small amount of this type of literature, but your story is among the better submissions I have read.

I felt that a strong point of the story was that it asked something of the reader. Though the POV switching was admittedly awkward at times, when done a bit more naturally, things like POV switches and temporal non-linearity (if that's a word) keep the reader on their toes and builds some tension. I would hate to see that aspect disappear entirely.

There are a couple of points that I would like to echo from the previous response. First on the point of cueing laughter with:
"I've already been married, I don't need to relive that," I laughed
and the come/cum thing. The most rewarding thing for a reader, in my opinion, is when a writer trusts them to 'get the joke'. Sure, there will be people that just skim over it and fail to make a connection, but I think trusting the reader really sets a writer apart. The second issue is the wit. The 'typeface Garamond...' was nigh on brilliant...you had me with that one. I thought you could have even trusted the reader more with this one by not spelling out the:
'and had a much longer track to lick with my tongue.'
Perhaps saying something about it being a larger font and allowing the reader to make the step to the tongue track.
The internal dialogue was very effective as well.

The real improvements would be making any POV switches more consistent and finding a stronger way to end it. It has the feeling of wanting to be a longer or serialized story that was snipped off before the real end.

This is great...I get to tell other people to fix the things that always lead to my writing never seeing the light of day!

Please keep it up. I enjoyed your style and wit.

 

[sexual improv]

ah, re-writes!

Thanks for the words. I said the same thing just yesterday. I was finishing a script that someone wants to read, yet I was also drawn to writing a story anbout a young girl...

I appreciate the feedback. Seems the humor is there yet I decided to beat you about the face with it. I'm going to decide on either a re-write or, perhaps, just another chapter better written. Thanskf or the words...