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[d_shane]

I wrote this hoping to get a female role player to play along, so of course it is unfinished.
I haven't had any responses and I'm not sure why. Context? Style?
Let me know what ya think.

Ohhh,,,,that first stretch of the morning, almost painful because it's so intense. What a beautiful sunny morning, as are most mornings in Texas. "What's up buddy?" my Rottweiler "Adolf" gives me a loving lick across my face, then returns quickly to his rightful place,,,,curled up right next to me in my king size bed. That's his side of the bed, it's only a problem when I bring women home, a problem for the woman that is. You aren't going to stay the night at my house anyway, I'd rather fuck your brains out on the couch and send you on your way.

I sit up on the bed, planting my feet firmly on the hardwood floor,,,,,"what a fucking mess," I look around my room in disgust, it's not "gross and dirty," it's just cluttered. Dirty, mixed with clean clothes, along with boxes that I haven't unpacked yet, take up all of the floor space in my room, except for a sliver of a walkway to one side of the bed,,,,just enough for Adolf and I to climb in. I moved into this house a month ago and haven't even begun to unpack, I need to hire a maid.

First things first,,,,,,,take a leak, which is hard to do with morning wood. I slide my sweat pants down far enough for all nine inches of my cock to free itself. "concentrate,,,,,,,concentrate." I"m focused,,,,,it's taken years to perfect the art of urinating with an erection,,,,but I've got it. I "pop' my sweat pants up onto my waste line, flush the toilet and turn to the sink to wash my hands.
The mirror is conveniently located right in front of the bathroom sink,,,,so while I'm scrubbing, I take the time to admire myself,,,,,I'm handsome if i don't say so myself. My tribal tattoo, which extends across the top of my back, over my shoulders to my chest and down to the elbow of each arm, is a true work of art, my tattoo artist did a great job.

I'm glad I remembered to program the coffee maker to brew this morning, nothing like waking up to the smell of a fresh pot. I grab my favorite coffee mug, give it a quick rinse and poor myself a cup.

I take my cup of joe and grab my cell phone, three new voice mails. "Hey sweetie, it's your mom. I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday.
I can't believe my baby is 26 years old. Call me when you can, I love you." Message deleted, I will call her later. "Hey Mike, it's Randy from Performance.." the sound of another familiar voice in the second message. "I was just wondering if you want to start a new job with me tomorrow at the Valero plant. Let me know. Bye." "Hmmmm." sounds good I thought, but I sure would like to take a few days off and get some things done around the house, after all I had just finished a month straight of working twelve hours a day for seven days a week. I wasn't short of money, that's for sure. That's the life of a pipefitter I guess. On to the third message "This message is for Lieutenant Ward",,,,,,,delete. Probably asking me to serve another tour,,,,,,I don't think so. I've already served two tours in Afghanistan.

I walked over to the bay window in the living room,,,,,,"swoosh",,,,the sound of the floor length drapes as I opened them up,,,,,,they're the ugliest things,,,,I need to get rid of em. They were left here by the previous homeowner.
Staring out the window and sipping lightly on my steaming cup of coffee, I noticed the front door open at the house across the street open. Out walks this beautiful brunette. I'm guessing she was in her mid forties, tan and well built. She wore a short, mid thigh length, white bath robe, which was a sexy contrast to her bronze skin color.

She walked down her driveway to get the morning news paper. As she bends over to reach for the rolled up paper, she noticed me in the window staring at her. She paused briefly, as if she was trying to figure out what I was looking at. I didn't care, I'm not shy.

She acted as if she disregarded my stare and turned around and headed back towards the door. Just before she entered the doorway, she glanced back to see if I was still watching her, that's when she flashed me a little smile. That was all I needed,,,,,I want to fuck her.

Although I've never met her, or any of my new neighbors for that matter, Ive noticed that there are often two vehicles in her driveway, this morning there is only one, a Mercedes SUV. The other is an F150. It's safe to assume that she's married and that is her husbands truck.
I bet I will end up fucking her,,,,probably numerous times.

 

[PennLady]

First off, I'm not sure this is the place for this -- I think there's a role-playing area, isn't there?

As for why you're not getting any takers... I realize it takes all kinds, but this isn't very female-friendly, from the first paragraph. Maybe the women who like this kind of thing haven't seen it yet. I'm not saying it needs to be all sappy and romantic, but why would a woman want to take you up on something when right at the start, you make your character's feelings about women known and they are pretty harsh?

The actual writing isn't too bad, but I don't know why you have all those commas. That's not a punctuation mark and it makes things hard to read.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I wrote this hoping to get a female role player to play along, so of course it is unfinished.
I haven't had any responses and I'm not sure why. Context? Style?
Let me know what ya think.

Ohhh,,,,that first stretch of the morning, almost painful because it's so intense. What a beautiful sunny morning, as are most mornings in Texas. "What's up buddy?" my Rottweiler "Adolf" gives me a loving lick across my face, then returns quickly to his rightful place,,,,curled up right next to me in my king size bed. That's his side of the bed, it's only a problem when I bring women home, a problem for the woman that is. You aren't going to stay the night at my house anyway, I'd rather fuck your brains out on the couch and send you on your way.

Pretty much echoing PL here:

I'm not clear on whether you want feedback on "is this a good story?" or "why doesn't anybody want to play along?" Those are different questions with different answers.

For the latter... you make it clear that your narrator thinks he's awesome and can fuck any woman he wants, but I didn't come away with any sense of why a woman would feel the same way. "Big dick with a large penis" isn't that much of a selling point. Yes, there are women who get off on being treated like crap, but it's not exactly hard for them to find that.

For the former: as PL has said, ",,,," isn't a recognised style of punctuation. You're also flipping between tenses quite a bit. And while it's possible to tell an interesting story about an arrogant unlikeable guy, it still works better if it's believable - gets back to "why do women want to sleep with him?"

 

[d_shane]

PennLady, thanks for you response. I posted here because it is a review forum. Is it not? Yes the character is an a-hole but if a responder added to this story, they can take it where they want. Maybe he will be saved and be a born again Christian, thats the beauty of role play, as unlikely of a scenario as it is. Commas,,,,,,, well, I used these to show an enunciated pause, such is the way in a time wher texting has taken place of a phone call. Probably a habit I should break, I know.

 

[PennLady]

PennLady, thanks for you response. I posted here because it is a review forum. Is it not? Yes the character is an a-hole but if a responder added to this story, they can take it where they want. Maybe he will be saved and be a born again Christian, thats the beauty of role play, as unlikely of a scenario as it is. Commas,,,,,,, well, I used these to show an enunciated pause, such is the way in a time wher texting has taken place of a phone call. Probably a habit I should break, I know.

This is forum to review stories that have already been posted on the story side of the site, although people often ask for feedback on works in progress. This isn't really the place for role play. You'd have to look at the other forums, but as I said, I thought there was a dedicated place for that.

As far as continuing the story, that's different from role play, at least I'd think it is. If you want to work on co-writing a story, you might be better to find a partner and work on it off-site, or at least in private messages.

Yes, someone could take this in a different direction, but why would they want to? I have to be blunt, this isn't well-written, and it's not attractive (well, to me; like I said, somewhere out there it's attractive to someone else). The main character is a jerk and as Bramble noted, the tenses are kind of all over the place. The strings of commas just look lazy. It's fine to indicate lulls or pauses in action, but that's not the way, and also, you don't actually have to specify them. We all know, for example, that it takes time to open a door, step inside, close it, lock it, etc. But you can just say someone went inside and shut the door.

Or use phrases -- when you first wake up, maybe you have to drag yourself to the bathroom, or to the kitchen for coffee.

 

[d_shane]

Here's a dumb question, what are the "tenses?"

 

[sr71plt]

present, past, future, present perfect, past perfect, present progressive, past progressive, future progressive, etc.

 

[d_shane]

Ok. Well I guess that makes sense.

 

[sr71plt]

You asked about the changing of tenses. You maintained present tense until paragraph six, with the phrase "sounds good I thought," which shifts to the past tense and should be "sounds good, I think" to maintain the present tense. In the line after that, "I wasn't short of money" is also past tense. If you are couched in the present in this scene, it should be "I'm not short of money."

Thereafter you begin flipping all over the place needlessly between past and present tense.

What others haven't noted yet, by the way, is that the Web site asks that text of story drafts be kept to three paragraphs.

 

[LadyVer]

FWIW, I think the story has potential, either as a story or a role play. There were a few things I noticed, like "waste line," nine-inch cock (really?) , and learning to urinate with an erection (I don't get this, why?), but other than that you can definitely write, and I didn't see punctuation as a major problem. There was some wordiness, but that's par for most writers.

 

[PennLady]

FWIW, I think the story has potential, either as a story or a role play. There were a few things I noticed, like "waste line," nine-inch cock (really?) , and learning to urinate with an erection (I don't get this, why?), but other than that you can definitely write, and I didn't see punctuation as a major problem. There was some wordiness, but that's par for most writers.

I have to go with LV here -- why does he need/want to urinate with an erection? I was actually curious enough to look this up. I just checked a Yahoo! answers page, but it was about what I thought; it is possible, but not particularly necessary and involves letting the erection relax. Also, someone said (and I'm not saying all of this is the only truth or anything) that in younger men, it's even more difficult. Most answers also advised not touching the penis, I guess to reduce stimulation and encourage relaxation, but that results in an inability aim and could make a mess.

There's nothing wrong with a detail like this, per se, but I don't see that it adds anything to character or the scene.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

As for 9 inch peckers and morning wood, and speaking from experience, I open the back door, look around, and draw a heart on the trunk of a tree. Or aim for a sunning cat.

 

[sr71plt]

I'm afraid each time I see the slug on this thread, I have to laugh. It's like we're on a farm, feeding the sheep, and expect the sheep to give us some of their food back.

 

[Tsotha]

I have to go with LV here -- why does he need/want to urinate with an erection? I was actually curious enough to look this up. I just checked a Yahoo! answers page, but it was about what I thought; it is possible, but not particularly necessary and involves letting the erection relax. Also, someone said (and I'm not saying all of this is the only truth or anything) that in younger men, it's even more difficult. Most answers also advised not touching the penis, I guess to reduce stimulation and encourage relaxation, but that results in an inability aim and could make a mess.

That actually is a useful skill to have, as bizarre as it may sound.

 

[d_shane]

Again, thanks for your responses. SR71, I see your point about tenses, I will be more aware of that. Thanks for the side note about the amount of paragraphs.

About the erection/urinating thing. No man WANTS to urinate with an erection, sometime you just have to. It usualy happens when a man first wakes up and has an erection, (this is what you should be trying to figure out, why do we have morning wood?) Everyone, male and female, have got out of bed in the morning and had to go urinate. Unfortunately for men, the combination to urinate with morning wood is a pain in the ass.

Woman tend to have to urinate while on a road trip (repeatedly)
men sometimes have to urinate with an erection, it's fact of life.

Just watch "Friends With Benefits" Justin Timberlakes charcter relates very well.

To the married women, when your hubby wakes up with morning wood, take advantage of it...it's a quality erection, I promise.

 

[PennLady]

About the erection/urinating thing. No man WANTS to urinate with an erection, sometime you just have to. It usualy happens when a man first wakes up and has an erection, (this is what you should be trying to figure out, why do we have morning wood?) Everyone, male and female, have got out of bed in the morning and had to go urinate. Unfortunately for men, the combination to urinate with morning wood is a pain in the ass.

I don't doubt it can be a problem. My husband has never said anything; perhaps I should ask him about it.

Anyway, my point was really more that I'm not sure that detail does much for the story. But I got sidetracked. Sorry.