Looking for dirty/funny limericks

[hellguy]

I am looking for some dirty or funny limericks. Anyone have any. I have a few but am looking for some more.

I met an old man from the city
He claimed that her pussy was shitty

I exclaimed with a grin
As I showed him again

NO, that's her ass not her kitty!

 

[hellguy]

I have a few limericks to share

While most are really quite rare.

They're not very right, but I'll tell them all night

Cause the drunkards they really don't care.

 

[AllenWmsUSA]

Can't go wrong with the classic:


There once was a man from Nantucket,

Whose dick was so long he could suck it.

He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,

If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.

 

[hellguy]

Can't go wrong with the classic:


There once was a man from Nantucket,

Whose dick was so long he could suck it.

He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,

If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.

The classics are good. What about:
There once was a woman named Marge
that pleasured herself with a barge
She started to float
When she straddled that boat
And came with a sizeable charge.

 

[duke1421115]

There once was a young man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
Which cut off his cock
And now he has got a vagina



Not as good as some of the preceding, but dirty nonetheless

 

[hellguy]

There once was a young man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
Which cut off his cock
And now he has got a vagina



Not as good as some of the preceding, but dirty nonetheless

Still pretty good. I am in the mood to write some so hopefully I will gleen some inspiration from others' ideas.

 

[hellguy]

There lived a young woman in Guinea,

That wanted to sell me her quinny.

She said, "Pull out your cock."

As she lifted her smock.

I'll only charge you a penny!

 

[girlowned]

There was a young man from Australia,

Who painted his bung like a dahlia.

The drawing was fine,

The color divine,

But the scent--well, that was a failia.

 

[hellguy]

There was a young man from Australia,

Who painted his bung like a dahlia.

The drawing was fine,

The color divine,

But the scent--well, that was a failia.

How nice of you to contribute sweetie. Thanks.

 

[BeFun4me]

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

 

[BeFun4me]

One more:
There once was a plumber from Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea

She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!

Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

 

[BeFun4me]

Ok...one last one for today:
There once was a lad named Zoltaire

Who was doing his girl on the stair

When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke

And finished her off in midair

 

[hellguy]

One more:
There once was a plumber from Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea

She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!

Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

Those were funny! thanks.

 

[girlowned]

Ok...one last one for today:
There once was a lad named Zoltaire

Who was doing his girl on the stair

When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke

And finished her off in midair

i was gonna post this one yesterday but didn't have time...lol Love it!

 

[hellguy]

i was gonna post this one yesterday but didn't have time...lol Love it!

That one reminds me of the ball of Kerrymuir. If I can find the lyrics I'll post them.

 

[hellguy]

the Ball of Kerrymuir lyrics

Four-and-twenty virgins come down from Inverness,
And when the Ball was over, there were four-and-twenty less,

Singin' balls to your partner, your ass against the wall,
If ya never been had on a Saturday night, ya never been had at all..

There was doin' in the parlor, there was doin' on the stones,
But ya couldn't a hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans,


The undertaker, he was there, all wrapped up in a shroud,
Swingin' from the chandelier, and peein' on the crowd,



The village cripple, he was there, ah he could not do much,
So he lined the ladies against the wall, and he did 'em with his crutch,



Miss Mary McPherson was standin' way up front,
Some posies in her hand, and a carrot in her cunt,


The Village postman, he was there, but the poor man had the pox,
He could not do the lassies, so he did the letter box,


The Village Magician, he was there, he gave us all a laugh,
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and he vanished up his ass,

 

[Tio_Narratore]

There was a young woman from Norway
Who hung by herheels in a doorway.
She said to her young man,
"Get off the divan;
I think I've discovered one more way."


A gay blade who lived in Khartoum
Brought a Lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
over who had the right
to do what and with which and to whom.


And for the Ball of Inverness (though I learned it as The Gatherin' o' the Clans)...

The bride was in the kitchen, explaining to the groom
"The front side, nae the backside, is the entrance tae the womb."

 

[hellguy]

There was a young woman from Norway
Who hung by herheels in a doorway.
She said to her young man,
"Get off the divan;
I think I've discovered one more way."


A gay blade who lived in Khartoum
Brought a Lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
over who had the right
to do what and with which and to whom.


And for the Ball of Inverness (though I learned it as The Gatherin' o' the Clans)...

The bride was in the kitchen, explaining to the groom
"The front side, nae the backside, is the entrance tae the womb."

I heard it from Jim Croce first. I know it was a drinking song before that. There are also tons of verses.

Picture this. I'm standing in a retirement home. My phone vibrates and I check my email and it's from Lit. I read the message and start laughing my ass off. All of the old people were staring at me. I think they thought I was one of them and had dementia or something. That's what I get for surfing Lit at work.

 

[girlowned]

I heard it from Jim Croce first. I know it was a drinking song before that. There are also tons of verses.

Picture this. I'm standing in a retirement home. My phone vibrates and I check my email and it's from Lit. I read the message and start laughing my ass off. All of the old people were staring at me. I think they thought I was one of them and had dementia or something. That's what I get for surfing Lit at work.

rofl...that's great Hellguy! And the Ball of Kerrymuir lyrics are awesome, i especially like the village cripple. *grins*

There's a priest who's classed as nefarious,
Since his shocking perversions are various:
He will bugger a lass
With a dildo (at mass!)
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"

And this one is pretty funny, in my opinion...

There was a young lady named Nell
Who's panties were holey as hell
She complained, "When I fart,
My shoes fall apart,
And my ankles occasionally swell."

 

[hellguy]

rofl...that's great Hellguy! And the Ball of Kerrymuir lyrics are awesome, i especially like the village cripple. *grins*

There's a priest who's classed as nefarious,
Since his shocking perversions are various:
He will bugger a lass
With a dildo (at mass!)
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"

And this one is pretty funny, in my opinion...

There was a young lady named Nell
Who's panties were holey as hell
She complained, "When I fart,
My shoes fall apart,
And my ankles occasionally swell."

Omg! Those are funny! The lady with the med cart just stopped to ask if I needed anything.

 

[pathology_liz]

its not the one I was thinking of, but here is one.

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
'The Vicar was quicker
and slicker and thicker
And nine inches longer than you

 

[pathology_liz]

this is the one I was looking for...

There was a young woman from Norway
Who hung by herheels in a doorway.
She said to her young man,
"Get off the divan;
I think I've discovered one more way."


A gay blade who lived in Khartoum
Brought a Lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
over who had the right
to do what and with which and to whom.


And for the Ball of Inverness (though I learned it as The Gatherin' o' the Clans)...

The bride was in the kitchen, explaining to the groom
"The front side, nae the backside, is the entrance tae the womb."

There was a young queer from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

As a Brit I prefer this version.
after all we say "wine then beer makes you queer, beer then wine is fine."

but I'll happily acknowledge that I was beaten fair and square by Tio.

I first heard this from Gyles Brandreth (just google him)

 

[pathology_liz]

If you are just after rudeness however.

Johnie Lad, Cock Up Your Beaver


1791 Poem by Robbert Burns

When first my brave Johnie lad came to this town,
He had a blue bonnet that wanted the crown;
But now he has gotten a hat and a feather,
Hey, brave Johnie lad, cock up your beaver!

Cock up your beaver, and cock it fu' sprush,
We'll over the border, and gie them a brush;
There's somebody there we'll teach better behaviour,
Hey, brave Johnie lad, cock up your beaver!

(a beaver is a hat, hence to cock it up, i.e. tip it back)

 

[hellguy]

There once was a fella in Brusta

His name was big Henry Augusta.

He tried her again, but it wouldn't fit in.

No matter the force he did musta.

 

[girlowned]

*snickers* Three great ones

A sex-crazed nympho named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.

There was a young girl named Anheuser,
Who boasted no man could surprise her
Pabst took a chance
Left Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

There was a young girl from Arabia,
Guilty of immodest behavia.
She sat in each class,
With her skirt round her ass,
Blowing kisses at the profs with her labia.