Looking for advice - sub/dom relationship

[willinglilsub]

I've been lurking here awhile but this is my first post.

My dom and I never actually dated, never became an "offical" couple or any of that. We were friends who started sleeping together. We've now been "together" for over a year now. I trusted him insanly. He helped me through alot of stuff. And we valued eachother's trust. We both felt that we needed to be able to trust each other inorder to push each other's limits during sex. It got to the point where we started talking about BDSM. We decided to make a commitment to each other. The agreement was that I would belong to him untill he graduates in a year or so. We put this time limit because he's not sure what he's going to do after graduation (college) and we didn't want to make a commitment that we would regret. It was such a happy and awsome night.

Its continued on. Right now I'm confused. We've been through periods where we started to feel distant from eachother. Or ones where I started getting really insecure. I have this great fear that he's going to disappear on me one day. Lately a vanilla friend of our's has started flirting with him. She has a boyfriend and knows that we have sex. She doesn't know any of the deeper stuff. He and I always had an agreement, even before I became his - that neither one of us could do anything with our mutal friends. It would cause too many problems. She likes to use him to make her boyfriends jelous.

I hate it soo much. But if I say anything to anyone they start to go "well you're just sleeping with him" cause they don't know there's more too it. We don't want to date cause we don't want to deal with the BS that comes with a break up. This has been working well for awhile.

Its starting to feel like he wants to be with her. Her hints of offering sex and shit aren't helping me feel like I'm wrong. I'm scared he's going to leave me. I've given him my heart, body and soul.... willingly. I know I need to talk to him but right now life is crazy. He's busy with internships and I'm trying to get into a program at our University. I'm starting to doubt him. It scares me. I can't submit to him without trusting him. I care deeply for him. I know this is going to end eventually.... but not this soon..... I keep trying to tell myself that he's not going to disappear on me. I'm actually in counseling for depression right now and have been doing so for the past couple months. And lately we've been spending more time together than we have been able to in a while.

I can't bring myself to tell my friend the truth about whats going on between me and him. She bitches about my morals enough as it is. Which is kinda funny cause she had this beleif that she wasn't going to have sex before marriage and she's slept with more guys and picked up on others more than I have. (I never had that paticular hang up) I love being his. I'm worried he's going to do something with her - she'll trap him by getting pregnant or by her freguent pregnancy scares. I'm always concerned with pregnancy as it can't work in either of our lives right now. Maybe not for a long time.

I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed out right now. Between midterms, frat stuff, money problems, family and now this. I just don't know what I should do.......

((sorry for the essay.... i just needed to unload and give you guys some background incase you can offer advice. I don't feel like I can bring this up with my counsler either ))

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I know I need to talk to him

Willingsub your right. You do need to talk to him. Attempting to 'shield' him is a mistake. No 'buts' about it . It's important and your responsibility to do so. Impossible to gage his real responses when all the cards are not on the table.

I can't submit to him without trusting him.
I care deeply for him.

Two more valid reasons why you must speak to him.

I can't bring myself to tell my friend the truth about whats going on between me and him.
She bitches about my morals enough as it is.

You and your Dom agreed to a private commitment. It would only be right to inform your 'friend ' with his mutual consent.

Your morals are none of her business........smiles.

Willinglilsub at 20 I might have continued a vague 'friendship' with a woman as you describe your friend. At 40 I can assure you I would not.

Your despair will cease when you are armed with the truth.............seek it

I wish you well

 

[John Doe]

I agree with what rebecca has said.

I would like to add that if you don't feel comfortable talking about such matters with your counselor then maybe your relationship with him/her needs to change. Or maybe you need a new counselor.

I'm sure that's a daunting prospect with so many other things in your life up in the air, but you need to feel that you can talk to your counselor about anything that's troubling you. That's what they're there for.

 

[willinglilsub]

You know, I never really stopped and thought about how my "friend" really isn't being much of a friend. I'm not sure when I'm going to have a chance to talk to my dom in person - I'd rather to it that was then over a phone or the internet. If I can see him I find it easier to talk about how I feel.

As far as my friend. I'm wondering if its worth it to be friends with some one like that. I plan on having a discussion with her today. As a mutual friend of mine and my roommates she hangs out around our apartment alot. I think I can "discuss" the issue from the point of view that what she's doing is wrong to her boyfriend rather than my relationship with my dom.

The thing with my counsler is I'm not very comfortable with her yet. I'm seeing her through school and we get a certian number of free sessions each semester. Its free so I can't complain much. However I only see her every other tuesday. She's helping me. I'm just not usally comfortable opening up to new people.

Thank you both Rebecca and Stuponfucious. I appricate it that you took the time to offer advice. I'll try to keep you updated on what happens. I hope this works out well....this relationship is one of the few good things I have going on right now.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I think I can "discuss" the issue from the point of view that what she's doing is wrong to her boyfriend rather than my relationship with my dom.

Why ?

Surely her relationship is her business unless she initiates that specific conversation. If it's to attempt to resolve your concerns with your Dominant you are leaving the most important person once again out of the equation ......him.

I apologise if that seems harsh. Whether you 'find it easier to talk to your Dom in person' than 'over a phone or the internet' sounds like a stalling tactic Willinglilsub. I have no idea of the intricacies of your shared relationship, has he said to you that should something be troubling please wait to we can speak face to face ? Omission has some very significant risks. This is not just about your concerns, this is about your responsibility to be honest with him.

 

[FurryFury]

I have to wonder why people do this to themselves. You never dated? You aren't a couple? I say that's not correct. You have been dating in an unconventional sense and you are a couple.

In most cases, you will become emotionally attached if you are together in intimate activities again and again. Very few can remain unattached under such circumstances. To me if you are seeing each other on a regular basis you are involved.

Clearly, you are emotionally attached. Of course it hurts to think of being left or not significant enough (because he might do your friend or leave at the end of a year,) in this man's life.

Your so called friend isn't much of one from what I can tell. The question is what does this man see for you two down the road (past the one year you both agreed to,) if anything.

You need communication with him. You need to explain how you are feeling and why. He needs to let you know what he thinks about the situation you are in together Your worst fears may or may not be realized but at least you'll know.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[falconwithin]

wrong thread

 

[willinglilsub]

Why ?

Surely her relationship is her business unless she initiates that specific conversation. If it's to attempt to resolve your concerns with your Dominant you are leaving the most important person once again out of the equation ......him.

I apologise if that seems harsh. Whether you 'find it easier to talk to your Dom in person' than 'over a phone or the internet' sounds like a stalling tactic Willinglilsub. I have no idea of the intricacies of your shared relationship, has he said to you that should something be troubling please wait to we can speak face to face ? Omission has some very significant risks. This is not just about your concerns, this is about your responsibility to be honest with him.

A little harsh but you're right. I am stalling. Partly. I generally like to talk to people in person about things important to me where I can see the other person's body language. And talking to him online is odd cause we both leave our AIM running even when we're not there. We always end up IMing each other when the other is not around. And you are right also that it is her business.

My stalling also has to do with that I'm deep in human anatomy midterms and he's deep in his internships. I plan to try and talk to him either tonight after I finish my midterms or tomorrow and ask him if he has time to talk. We do tend to have more heart-to-heart conversations when we're face to face. I have no idea why that happens.

FurryFurry- I never really thought about it that way.

As far as further down the road it entirely depends what happens later on. Right now we don't want to commit to anything. But we do need to talk about it.

Thank you both.
It seems that I stall alot. Talking about things that is. I never really thought about it.

 

[satindesire]

My only added advice would be that you should downright tell this girl that she has no right coming onto someone who happens to be with YOU, when 1) he's taken in the first place, and 2) SHE'S taken, too.

Harmless flirtation is one thing. Implying she's willing to sleep with him crosses a boundary that would have me up in arms INSTANTLY.

Take a stand. Be assertive. This is troubling you and will continue to until you face it bravely, and head-on.

Girls that act like THAT don't take hints. You have to tell it to her plainly.

Good luck!

 

[subwannabe]

I must have misread your original post. I thought you said something to the effect that you are not a couple, not dating, just having sex - which has evolved into just having dom/sub sex. Seems like you also stated you made a one year commitment, because he didn't know what he wanted to do after graduation. To me this means there was never any long term commitment, that either of you could move on after the year with supposedly no hurt feelings. Maybe he is thinking of breaking the one year commitment but he apparently intrepreted your relationship as a temporary situation which was going to end while on the other end, you are falling in love and thinking long term. I know things have gotten a little out of control now feelings wise but he seemed to be up front with you in the beginning that there was no long term commitment and now you are getting upset because it looks like the end might be near. The only thing to do is talk it over with him honestly, which may include some hurt feelings and a little crying. Good luck.

 

[willinglilsub]

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, just been very busy.

I have some resolutions...more or less.

As far as my friend. She denies everything. She tells me she doesn't hint that she wants to have sex with him. That she's extreamly loyal to her boyfriend. That she would never "steal" my guy cause he's my guy. And she's admused that I even thought she was flirting with him. Honesly, I no longer have much, if any, trust in her. Based on her past and present actions, I know she has no problems lying to me or going after my Dom. I could go deeper but I'm not going to because her actions are not mine to tell.

As far as my Dom. Neither one of us is ready to end the relationship. We haven't sat down and discussed everything yet but we will soon. Talking to my counsler however gave me a few things to think about and realized a few things. My fears of him disappearing on me is not to be blamed as much on him. Past relationships seem to have left their mark although I never realized it or thought about it.

Subwannabe - there never was a long-term commitment. You are competely correct on that. I don't think I'm thinking long-term and falling in love. We've talked before about our feelings towards eachother. He is special to me and always will be, and he knows that. I trust him more that I've trusted most anyone else, he knows this too. And he has his feelings towards me that aren't very detached too.

There's so many agreements and things shared between the two of us. This was not the first time I got overly emotional about something. Not the first time I've had doubts. That he will and does take the time to talk to me and ease my fears means the world to me. I've got emotional baggage. I've lost too many people close to me not to worry that I will lose him too. Our relationship will end when it is time for it to end.

When I thought, really thought, about why I like talking to him face to face about things, I realized that its the touch aspect. It helps me be able to open up more and be more straight forward when I have some physical (not nessarly sexual) contact with him.

((I'm in a really reflective/thoughtful mood right now. If some of what I just wrote takes off on a tanget I appolize. I do love being able to come here and have people to talk to and get advice from. Thank you all. ))

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[FurryFury]

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, just been very busy.

I have some resolutions...more or less.

As far as my friend. She denies everything. She tells me she doesn't hint that she wants to have sex with him. That she's extreamly loyal to her boyfriend. That she would never "steal" my guy cause he's my guy. And she's admused that I even thought she was flirting with him. Honesly, I no longer have much, if any, trust in her. Based on her past and present actions, I know she has no problems lying to me or going after my Dom. I could go deeper but I'm not going to because her actions are not mine to tell.

As far as my Dom. Neither one of us is ready to end the relationship. We haven't sat down and discussed everything yet but we will soon. Talking to my counsler however gave me a few things to think about and realized a few things. My fears of him disappearing on me is not to be blamed as much on him. Past relationships seem to have left their mark although I never realized it or thought about it.

Subwannabe - there never was a long-term commitment. You are competely correct on that. I don't think I'm thinking long-term and falling in love. We've talked before about our feelings towards eachother. He is special to me and always will be, and he knows that. I trust him more that I've trusted most anyone else, he knows this too. And he has his feelings towards me that aren't very detached too.

There's so many agreements and things shared between the two of us. This was not the first time I got overly emotional about something. Not the first time I've had doubts. That he will and does take the time to talk to me and ease my fears means the world to me. I've got emotional baggage. I've lost too many people close to me not to worry that I will lose him too. Our relationship will end when it is time for it to end.

When I thought, really thought, about why I like talking to him face to face about things, I realized that its the touch aspect. It helps me be able to open up more and be more straight forward when I have some physical (not nessarly sexual) contact with him.

((I'm in a really reflective/thoughtful mood right now. If some of what I just wrote takes off on a tanget I appolize. I do love being able to come here and have people to talk to and get advice from. Thank you all. ))

I'm glad you are feeling better and thinking things through in different ways. I'm also glad you are able to come here, talk with people and get advice too.

*hugs*

Fury