Looking for a critical D/s Editor

[Original_Cyn2]

I'm looking for an editor that enjoys and is experienced in the D/s world who is unwilling to pull their punches. I tend to struggle with tenses and make up for it with adjectives, among other things.

The story is at http://cynsation.741.com/id26.htm

It's also been submitted...would like to be proactive when it is returned.

Appreciate your help!

/hmh

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I would love to help you out, love, from what I read it looks interesting, although I must confess that those long stretches of italics bother me. They’re so annoying to read.

Really, I don’t think I have time to take on any editing, but I think I see what your problem is. You have trouble telling your participials apart from your action verbs.

An example (and excuse my italics)

Taking in the breathtaking size and ambience of the entryway, eyes widening in appreciation, he gestures for her wrap, pulling it gently from her shoulders with practiced ease, chill air running over the low décolletage of her gown.

The magnificently framed mirror on the wall ahead of her reflecting her image, the long black dress clinging intimately to every soft curve and taunting hollow, contrasting sharply with her fair, blonde beauty. Two men standing off to the left, chatting amicably, turn their glances in her direction and their conversation stops, eyes gleaming back at her.

The way the first sentence is written, he is the subject of the sentence and the object of the opening participial phrase, so it really says that it’s the doorman’s eyes that take in the breathtaking… and widen in appreciation. That’s not what you meant. Participial phrases (phrases that start with infinitive verbs acting as modifiers, as in “Bringing in the paper, I tripped over a shoe.”) have objects they’re modifying, usually the first pronoun or noun they come across. So you would want to rewrite that sentence so that it reads somnething like, “As she took in the breathtaking size… …the doorman gestures for her wrap…, as chill air ran [or “runs” is okay if you insist on keeping the whole thing in present tense] over the low …”

I can’t tell you exactly why the “chill air running” is no quite right, but it feels awkward to me. TYoo many participial phrases piled on top of each other will do that. (“Bringing in the paper, my arms filled already filled with parcels, missing my step, stepping on the cat, I fell.” See?)

In the next paragraph you really just have to drop the participle and go to an action noun. “The… mirror…reflects her image: the long black dress…”

Your verb tense confusion comes from your not knowing when you’re using a verb as a participle (i.e. using a verb as a modifier or describer) or when you’re using it as an actual verb. Participles are usually in present tense (bringing, reflecting, having) and occasionally in past or past perfect (“Having picked up the paper, I fell”) The fact that you choose to write in present tense makes the use of so many participial phrases and invitation for mass confusion.

You might try writing your next oine in the more-conventional past tense. I would also try to limit my use of participial phrases. They tend to get noticed after a while, and it is a pet peeve of mine to read a story in which almost every sentence starts with a participial phrase. (“Seeing how nice it was, I decided to go out. Finding myself hungry, I reached in my pocket for some money. Discovering my pocket was empty, I realized I’d lost my wallet. Running back to my flat, I forgot to look where I was going…” It gets old fast.

Hope this helps.

---dr.M.

 

[Original_Cyn2]

It helps. Immensely. I appreciate the time and effort.

Ironically, originally I was trying to get rid of the She was, She is, She did repetitions. Guess I jumped in the deep end with pp's without a lifejacket *soft chuckle*

It's my loss you're wrapped up in other things...I could have learned a lot from you. Again I really appreciate the help.

/hmh

I would love to help you out, love, from what I read it looks interesting, although I must confess that those long stretches of italics bother me. They’re so annoying to read....

where I was going…” It gets old fast.

Hope this helps.

---dr.M.

 

[spyro1123]

I was having trouble putting my finger on why i was having trouble reading the story untill you said you were trying to break the whole he said she said he did thing. I think you were right that you overcorrected.

You jumped striaght into very complicated compound sentences. The trouble is that you didnt put in enough shorter sentences to ballence it out. Sometimes doing this makes the story sound stilted others it just loses the reader.

One of the things snooper suggested that helped me was to read the story out loud to yourself. Not just in your mind but actually saying the words. Often i find things that just dont make any sence when i do this.

Pardon any spelling errors

 

[Original_Cyn2]

I have reworked the piece, hugely. Should you have a moment, please take a look and let me know if it reads better? I'd really appreciate it!


http://cynsation.741.com/id26.htm

 

[spyro1123]

Let me just say that i loved your story even before. It is very sexy. You do a great job of describing her experiance, especialy during the flashbacks.

To be very picky, it still feels as though i am missing part of the story. I dont understand exactly why she is there when she gets there, then she flashes back to things without any context as to what was going on at the time. I dont quite understand her motivation for coming back.

I understand that it is supposed to be a confusing scene when she is drugged but i would like a little more explaination of what she is thinking. It feels like an almost amazing story but it could be fleshed out a little to make the transitions more understandable.

Please remember this in only my opinion and it is still your story to do with what you wish. Like i said i think it is a very good story.

spyro
Ps feel free to read my stories and email me any comments
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=306776&page=submissions

 

[Original_Cyn2]

I completely agree with you. Oddly enough another very talented editor pointed out the same fact to me earlier today and i've been playing with filling in the gaps, trying to let my audience understand where why, etc. for about eight hours. Hopefully, someday, I'll come up with something that works.

In the meantime, I really appreciate your thoughts and comments...thanks for the help!

Let me just say that i loved your story even before. It is very sexy. You do a great job of describing her experiance, especialy during the flashbacks.

To be very picky, it still feels as though i am missing part of the story. I dont understand exactly why she is there when she gets there, then she flashes back to things without any context as to what was going on at the time. I dont quite understand her motivation for coming back.

I understand that it is supposed to be a confusing scene when she is drugged but i would like a little more explaination of what she is thinking. It feels like an almost amazing story but it could be fleshed out a little to make the transitions more understandable.

Please remember this in only my opinion and it is still your story to do with what you wish. Like i said i think it is a very good story.

spyro
Ps feel free to read my stories and email me any comments
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=306776&page=submissions

 

[Kanchelsis17]

I read through the first couple of paragraphs like a normal reader would, then switched to editor mode and reread them. I found a couple of errors that bothered me in both modes (my mental editor uses his Red Marker of Grammatical Vengeance on things like mis-capitalizations, commas, "to be" verbs, etc), including the first sentence (as far as I could tell, it either missed a pair of quotation marks, or the second part of the sentence lacked a verb. There were grammatical bits that bothered me, but I won't bore you with a list.
If you would like, I would be happy to do a line-edit of some sort for you.