Longevity of the Lifestyle

[EBETH]

Hello everybody. It's nice to meet you - thanks for having me.

I had a question about the domination/submission lifestyle or domination/discipline. (Not good with terms - sorry!) But this is something that interests me ...

What's the longevity of it? That is to say ... do you ever meet someone who's older, like 50 or 60 or 70 who's still living this kind of sexual lifestyle?

Do couples engaging in this lifestyle tend to stay together as long as couples who have more traditional marriages?

It occurred to me that most people I meet who are interested in this sort of thing are youngish ... and I wonder whether years down the road, their interest wears off, or whether a relationship of this type can last to say, a golden wedding anniversary!

I'd really be interested if anyone had a response to this, or knew someone who'd stayed together in this sort of lifestyle for 50 years or more, or the opposite - was pretty sure that it never lasts!

Thanks for indulging my curiosity! And I'm very happy to meet you all.

-- Beth

 

[Quint]

Beth,

What a fascinating topic! This is a new approach to me, at least. I am one of the younger--as in, barely legal--regulars here, but I rather intend to grow old and die with my partner, who you will read referred to as Hunny here. We are nilla twist most of the time but I am addicted to this forum because I consider myself full-blooded sub. Plus the people here are so damned intelligent!

You will get more responses from people in their 20s, 30s, and beyond who have been deeply immersed in this world all their lives. I have a friend who COULD be my father if I had been born under a luckier star (Hiya, Blue!) who just recently discovered BDSM and how rewarding it is.

I hope you like it here. Feel free to pop in with any other fresh new questions you think up.

 

[WillowPuss]

That is to say ... do you ever meet someone who's older, like 50 or 60 or 70 who's still living this kind of sexual lifestyle?

Ohhhh gawd. If it is one thing that is guaranteed to make me feel my age ... it a question phrased like that! (j/k)

Hey ... in our heads, Robuck and are are still the 20 somethings that walked down the aisle.


Now ... to treat your question with the respect it deserves.

Both Robuck and I were 50's children.
We married in our 20's
We celbrate our silver wedding in 2 months time.

Whilst we didn't actually know we were living BDSM relationship (having only just having discovered what it was called! duh!) we have done so for all this time.

I will now bow (or creak) out gracefully - and beg those with more life experience than I to answer.

Hope that's been of some help.

 

[cellis]

Himself and I are in our 40's... a couple of those 50's babies...

We have been together almost a year... who knows about tomorrow? I really can't imagine my life without him in it.

 

[WriterDom]

It's a hard question because the bdsm movement, or evolution is relatively young. I know it's roots are in the gay male community of the 60s. I'm not saying that bdsm practices between couples hasn't gone on for many years. It just didn't have a name.

I think the majority of the non fictional bdsm books didn't come out until the 90s.

cym has been around 20 plus years. Maybe she'll respond.

 

[James Blandings]

I am 47 and have been involved in some form of BDSM since I was 16. I know people, mostly gay men, as old as 80 who are still active in the scene. I would imagine many more people are active in private. That's one thing we need to keep in mind. the overwhelming majority of BDSM practioners will never tell anyone but their partner, and in the older generation even more so than in the younger.
I think it's awful hard to find a partner who matches up with you in a BDSM context, as well as in all the other ways you need to relate to keep a long term relationship healthy, and sadly, it seems like successful long term relationships in the scene are rarer than in vanilla life.

 

[cymbidia]

I'm 45 and i've been actively pursuing some kinda BDSM sexuality since i was 15. There was that one abberant period of three years in my early 20's when i tried really really hard to go nilla, tried to let my need for the expression of this kinda sexuality lie fallow. It didn't work though, obviously. I'm not nilla in my sexuality.

I was at a party yesterday, a BDSM-folks party. It wasn't a play party it was just a birthday party at which the only attendees were from the ranks of the local out lifestylers. The people at that party ranged in age from early 20's to into thier 60's. Most of us were somewhere in the 30's-40's range, i think. Two of the oldest people there were long-time married BDSM'ers.

Locally, i know two very long-term BDSM couples, people who've been together for the whole of thier adult lifetimes. I know several others who live in other places. That appears to be a small amount, doesn't it? It seems that there might be more turnover of extablished partners within BDSM ranks - but is that really so?

There are so many of them and so few of us. Are the divorce/uncoupled rates really higher for us or does it seem that way because we are so few?

If there are five red ripe gorgeous apples on a tree and two drop to the ground in the night (or those bratty kids next door steal them) then the tree seems far emptier then if there are five hundred red ripe gorgeous apples on the tree and two hundred of them drop in the night.

Everything is relative to everything else.

We are seeking, open, needing, expressive, trusting, honest, adventuring people, we BDSM'ers. We are so as individuals and we are so within the embrace of our primary love relationships, too. Trouble arises when our partner doesn't understand or attach any importance/validity to the way in which we need to grow as a human being and a sexual person. That kind of trouble is serious whether the people involved are nilla or one of us. I *know*, however, that our kind of love relationships can last forever, just as nilla love relationships do.

However, i also think it's more difficult for any love relationship to last forever these days. Today we have so many choices, we are all relatively (there's that word again!) well-educated, and the world has become a very small place. Perhaps it was easier for marriages to last forever, BDSM or not, when it took weeks to get from San Francisco to London and one could only learn what was contained within whatever print library one could access.

 

[James Blandings]

I think, and this is just my take on it, with no real evidence, that people who are out in the scene tend to have shorter relationships, perhaps because there is so much more temptation placed before them, or maybe just because the kinds of people who join clubs or go to parties are more adventurous, and so, more prone to moving on from a relationship. People who practice BDSM in private, I would guess, have a better record for staying together than those of us who are out in the scene.

 

[EBETH]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies!

You've made me feel very welcome, and comfortable about asking questions. Thanks!

Cymbidia, I really liked your remark about vanilla relationships not lasting long these days either! That certainly is true - and something I wish were not true. I am a big fan of monogamy (As my personal lifestyle choice) and while I appreciate other people's right to choose a different course, I hate to see monogamy become extinct! I like to think that people can stick it out through the hard times if they're determined, and that staying together "forever" isn't an impossible goal!

James, I thought your comment was very interesting! And it sprung another thought: Since there's so much range in the BDSM world in terms of what people practice, do you think that the "lighter" BDSM might be an easier lifestyle to maintain over the long term? Easier than the "heavy" BSDM? It occurred to me, for example, that a submissive who had sworn to be submissive not only in the bedroom, but at ALL TIMES - might grow weary of that as the years passed. Whereas in the "in the bedroom only" situation - longevity might be easier? Just speculating!

Thank you all for your insights!

Willow and Quint, you were so encouraging that I'm afraid you've inspired me to pose another question on another thread too!

-- Beth

 

[petrel]

Maybe its because as we get older and more settled in our relationships we cease to need that stimulus of the 'outside' scene.
I used to be pretty active sexually and socially - the two intermixing all the time in my early twenties - If I hadn't met R I probably would have carried on being that active for quite some time.
Luckily for me I did meet him and then I meet everyone on here.

We often play in the scene for several reasons:
1 curiousity
2 advice and guidance
3 to reassure ourselves about our potential lifestyle choice
4 to meet new friends
5 to meet new partners

well I get the first two here and from my partner
the third one - I got over that about a year ago
number 4 is the only reason I still participate really
5 - RL monogamy is kinda fun with the right person!!!

It seems to be the same for the Gay scene (male and female)

 

[James Blandings]

James, I thought your comment was very interesting! And it sprung another thought: Since there's so much range in the BDSM world in terms of what people practice, do you think that the "lighter" BDSM might be an easier lifestyle to maintain over the long term? Easier than the "heavy" BSDM? It occurred to me, for example, that a submissive who had sworn to be submissive not only in the bedroom, but at ALL TIMES - might grow weary of that as the years passed. Whereas in the "in the bedroom only" situation - longevity might be easier? Just speculating!

-- Beth

I would think you are right, that the more exacting the style of BDSM a couple tries to acheive, the harder it will be to keep to it in a satisfactory way. But. like I said, since most long term couples will never tell us how things are working out for them, we don't have much to go on at this time. In 20 years or so we will know a hell of a lot more, with so many more people out in the scene now.

 

[catalina_francisco]

any new thoughts or observations?

 

[MastrJ]

I don't know if couples in this lifestyle are more likely to stay together or not. However, I think we might have a better chance of it than 'nilla' couples for one big reason. A BDSM relationship, more so than other relationships, is based upon a great amount of openness and trust. I've told my sub things about my past and myself that I've never told anyone else. I know she's opened up to me in ways that she's never done before as well. While I won't deny that level of transparency between couples could eventually lead to friction, I think that it can actually help build a very stable relationship if that's what the participants wish.

 

[FungiUg]

The several times I have wandered along to the Auckland BDSM group meetings (munches, play parties, etc), there have been some older people involved -- 50s, one guy in his 60s (has the same name as me, so he's memorable!)

So... I think the interest in BDSM is likely to be something that lasts for life. Just like being gay -- not really something you can decide to turn off.

In terms of relationships though... well, we're all still human. And humans change and grow and do stupid things. I've seen some relationships in BDSM working well, and I have seen others shatter.

I personally doubt the lifestyle has any impact as such on relationships. Just the people in them.

 

[Justina123]

Just a comment, I would say 75% of the people who attend the two munches I go to semi-regularly are ages 35-55, including a few couples who have been together for 15 plus years.

-justina

 

[rosco rathbone]

You better believe there's a bunch of nasty, hairey, saggy old perverts doing this shit--and more power to them. There go we all; some day. Really, it's considerably more perverse, what? to be gnarly, unattractive and old and still be bdsmming.

In all seriousness; I look forward to being one of those nasty, thick-white-curley-hair-chested old DOM's flogging ripe young tasty young chunky girls. Something about the dynamic of the old-beating (and sexually using)-the-young, what? by Jove. Deuced stimulating.

 

[esclave_PP]

Master is 53 -- so yes! I'm 36. He's been doing this since about 1984 and me since 1986. However we are finally officially together as of last year even though we've been together on and off since 1998.

 

[Netzach]

Can I grow up to be like her?

Not that I'm intimating she's old!

 

[FungiUg]

Why grow up?

Besides, I for one love you just as you are!

 

[Netzach]

Awww....

I'm just saying I wanna age gracefully and with loads of rich, perverse, historical experience!

 

[ownedsubgal]

D/s was pretty much the way of the world, in most cultures all over the world, for thousands upon thousands of years. the way Daddy and i live...Man as the head of the household, having ownership of all things including his woman/women, me submissive, obedient, reverent to him, having no rights, etc...is far from new. when i think D/s, i think of an old-fashioned sort of relationship, taken to the extreme which is rare in the vanilla world in western society. so because D/s has been around forever and all time, naturally there are plenty of longlasting, everlasting D/s relationships. they might not fit under any bdsm heading, but it's Domination and submission in the purest, imo.

 

[Netzach]

I think for as long as men have been able, by right, to do as they pleased with their wives, many have come home brain dead after a long day of gazelle hunting and just wanted their woman to be mommy and decide everything.

Domestic Femdom isn't new news either.

Fortunately, it's more fun now.