Long time, no post

[intothewoods]

Just my two cents on sharing BDSM with your shrink -- I don't think you necessarily need a therapist who is on a kink-friendly list.

I went to a therapist who wasn't on a Fetlife list, but she certainly wasn't freaked out by the mere idea of BDSM, queer people, sex, nontraditional relationships, etc., and I think that's crucial. You can't pass go if the idea of a little kinky sex is going to push your therapist over the edge.

On the other hand, I didn't need to really get into a discussion about the nuts and bolts of my physical sexual relationship. Kinky sex probably isn't really relevant, unless you're coming to grips with your sexual desires or something like that. So, it's not relevant unless it is.

Where I think there might be a challenge for some folks is if you're in a D/s relationship that's quite extreme. Therapists should question unhealthy relationships and choices, so if you have a relationship that looks emotionally unhealthy to the outside world, but you don't want that questioned, you need to find a therapist who is okay with relationships that are way outside the norm.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Just my two cents on sharing BDSM with your shrink -- I don't think you necessarily need a therapist who is on a kink-friendly list.

I went to a therapist who wasn't on a Fetlife list, but she certainly wasn't freaked out by the mere idea of BDSM, queer people, sex, nontraditional relationships, etc., and I think that's crucial. You can't pass go if the idea of a little kinky sex is going to push your therapist over the edge.

On the other hand, I didn't need to really get into a discussion about the nuts and bolts of my physical sexual relationship. Kinky sex probably isn't really relevant, unless you're coming to grips with your sexual desires or something like that. So, it's not relevant unless it is.

Where I think there might be a challenge for some folks is if you're in a D/s relationship that's quite extreme. Therapists should question unhealthy relationships and choices, so if you have a relationship that looks emotionally unhealthy to the outside world, but you don't want that questioned, you need to find a therapist who is okay with relationships that are way outside the norm.

I think ITW speaks the truth, Samantha. You don't necessarily need someone experienced with kink, although it would be a good place to start if there were one handy; you need someone experienced with good therapy. Someone truly open-minded and focused on what your goals are. That's more important than whether or not they speak fluent BDSM.

 

[graceanne]

I've never brought up sex to a therapist, because I do not consider it any of their business. But if it feels like there's a white elephant in the room to you, and you feel like you need to be able to talk to your therapist about kink and D/s relationships, then I'd say it's important to find one you can talk to.

 

[sb2009]

Well, the issue is that the we are having a problem with an the three of us, and as good as my therapist is at helping me with lots of my issues (she really has been great, it's the first time I've had one that I actually have made noticeable progress with) but from comments, I think she would NOT agree that having an open marriage is healthy.

But anyway, just as a positive note, I've stuck to the "groundrules" we laid out at the beginning when I started dating R, and everything is going well, he is a lot of fun and has been good with listening to me, providing feedback, etc. So it's not ALL bad ;-)

 

[CutieMouse]

I'll second the idea that you don't HAVE to have a kink-friendly therapist to deal with kink issues as tehy relate to relationships.

When the ex-husband and I finally decided that therapy was necessary, a lot of his friends/family were worried about us getting a Christian counselor who would "help us stay married". My response was always "I don't care about staying married as much as being emotionally healthy. Emotional health trumps wedding vows. Period."

Our therapist was the one brave enough to tell him he was in love with falling in love. She was the one who told him that wasn't the healthiest thing on the planet, but there were ways to make it healthier if it was something he couldn't live without. She was also the one to point out that if it was okay for him to fall in love with other women a few times a year/hide from his relationship with me by emotionally investing outside the marriage - that meant he should be totally on board for me to do the exact.same.thing. So we opened the marriage.

Which is how I ended up with two lovers during one of his rare "dry spells".

[ahem]

She supported opening the marriage. She supported my coming to terms with my kinks/submission. She supported my decision to empower myself in non-traditional ways. She gave each of us a framework to grow into emotionally healthier people, kicked each of our asses when necessary, and taught us how to deal with needs vs wants vs responsibilities. Not too shabby for someone that (to my knowledge) isn't on any kink-friendly therapist lists. LOL

If you have an in-network therapist who already knows some of your history, I'd suggest considering sitting down and saying something like "Okay - there are aspects of my marriage that fall under the umbrella of "alternative lifestyles" which I find fulfilling, but sometimes very challenging, and I need an objective place to safely sort out my feelings when things come up. Can you do that?" If your therapist says yes - kick ass. If your therapist says no - at least you tried.

 

[midwestyankee]

Well, the issue is that the we are having a problem with an the three of us, and as good as my therapist is at helping me with lots of my issues (she really has been great, it's the first time I've had one that I actually have made noticeable progress with) but from comments, I think she would NOT agree that having an open marriage is healthy.

But anyway, just as a positive note, I've stuck to the "groundrules" we laid out at the beginning when I started dating R, and everything is going well, he is a lot of fun and has been good with listening to me, providing feedback, etc. So it's not ALL bad ;-)

The bolded part is why I initially suggested a kink-friendly therapist. Kink, per se, is not at the heart of your problem here, Samantha, but the way that you and your husband have opened up your relationship could be a stumbling block for some therapists and there's no reason to willingly walk into that kind of mess.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'll second the idea that you don't HAVE to have a kink-friendly therapist to deal with kink issues as tehy relate to relationships.

She supported my coming to terms with my kinks/submission. She supported my decision to empower myself in non-traditional ways. Not too shabby for someone that (to my knowledge) isn't on any kink-friendly therapist lists. LOL

The bolded part is why I initially suggested a kink-friendly therapist. Kink, per se, is not at the heart of your problem here, Samantha, but the way that you and your husband have opened up your relationship could be a stumbling block for some therapists and there's no reason to willingly walk into that kind of mess.

It isn't necessary to find someone on the list. However, sometimes it is necessary that you do discuss the dynamics of the relationship which within BDSM are certainly alternative to the widely considered norm.

It would be wonderful if therapists were perfect and completely objective but being human they have areas that they work best within and areas that they are not good with. My therapist has been wonderful for a lot of things but she is not someone that would agree that a dominant / submissive dynamic is very healthy. However, when you're working out exactly where you fall on the spectrum of D/s it helps to have the outside perspective of a therapist.

I don't know if I've completely explained exactly what I'm thinking about right now. I'll have to think some more and come back to this when I have a bit more time.

 

[sb2009]

I totally get what you are saying UMB, you make sense to my muddled mind. Which may or may not be something you might want to have checked out ;-)

So my dear spouse, is regaining somewhat his sense of rationality. In that, when I call him at night "just to chat" we do chat and talk - and that was getting to be a big issue, that when I called to have our "end of day" conversation, they were always "in the middle of something" and ended up not calling back. That got to be a trend and I think it led to us sort of getting used to not talking.

So anyway, I've decided, through lots of thought and discussion with friends, that I am going to take a "risk" with my therapist. I've been seeing her for a few years, I trust her, and I am just going to tell her about the non-traditional aspects of our marriage/lives and offer her the opportunity to freak out or say "ok, let's talk about that." Ah, telling your therapist difficult things...whoda thunk?

We also had some talk (husband and I) about how the initial idea was that we both were going to date other people and let those relationships develop organically, not making tons of rules for each other. However, when he and she started to think of "us" as a triad even though we had never met...that might have been when the train jumped the tracks, so to speak LOL

He still feels like they have a more "true" BDSM relationship and R and I just, well, fuck - but I said "hey, do you really WANT me having some sort of power exchange with this man you have never met? Right now, we meet, have fun, play, do social stuff....and i come home all happy and satisfied and take care of the other parts of my life that are bigger than anything else right now-kids, house, job."

His sub is young and she is very into the idea of being a 24/7 slave and that is good, for her. For me, I like my "art gallery/wine tasting, go home, get beat a bit, have some awesome sex, cuddle, take me out to breakfast and then kiss me goodbye at my car" guy ROFL

She still is mad at me for being mean and he says he doubts she will ever "be over it" which, when looked at from the outside, is a bit funny - how on earth could we have formed this poly family if one argument (where I didn't even say bitch or the like!) made it impossible for us to communicate any further?

Oh, and the divorce talk is slowing down...he did some research and saw that my health insurance would be cut off after a year and that bothered him (i don't know if i mentioned that before) and so he is saying that is the reason he's re-thinking. That, or he realized that we have 15 years of growing together and to toss it away over an ill-thought out vacation is pretty silly.

 

[teknight]

The bolded part is why I initially suggested a kink-friendly therapist. Kink, per se, is not at the heart of your problem here, Samantha, but the way that you and your husband have opened up your relationship could be a stumbling block for some therapists and there's no reason to willingly walk into that kind of mess.

How does one test for kink friendliness in a therapist?
Are they the ones with the couches that have built in restraints?

 

[rida]

So my dear spouse, is regaining somewhat his sense of rationality. In that, when I call him at night "just to chat" we do chat and talk - and that was getting to be a big issue, that when I called to have our "end of day" conversation, they were always "in the middle of something" and ended up not calling back. That got to be a trend and I think it led to us sort of getting used to not talking.

*snip*

We also had some talk (husband and I) about how the initial idea was that we both were going to date other people and let those relationships develop organically, not making tons of rules for each other. However, when he and she started to think of "us" as a triad even though we had never met...that might have been when the train jumped the tracks, so to speak LOL

Glad to hear your husband is regaining some sense of perspective!
Keeping the communications channels open is very important in a relationship. but even more so in a open and poly one. So KUDOS to you to be the mature party and allow him to come to his senses!

(and assuming you are a triad without your input, let alone not even having met her sounds a sure recipe for disaster!)

He still feels like they have a more "true" BDSM relationship and R and I just, well, fuck - but I said "hey, do you really WANT me having some sort of power exchange with this man you have never met? Right now, we meet, have fun, play, do social stuff....and i come home all happy and satisfied and take care of the other parts of my life that are bigger than anything else right now-kids, house, job."

Meh. Your relationship works for you. His relationship works for him.
Starting to compare the outside relationship is a dangerous slippery rope ...

Many time comment that seems innocuous are in reality denigrating the partner's outside relationship, in an unconscious way to reaffirm their own importance in the partner's life. Is a way to fend of fears of not being "good enough". (And those fears, no matter how mature and understanding and totally poly-wired one can be, are almost always present deep inside).

So Kudos to you once again for having what you need, and also having had the understanding to explain it to your Hubby in a way that, I'm sure, reassured him a lot of his importance in your life.

His sub is young and she is very into the idea of being a 24/7 slave and that is good, for her. For me, I like my "art gallery/wine tasting, go home, get beat a bit, have some awesome sex, cuddle, take me out to breakfast and then kiss me goodbye at my car" guy ROFL

She still is mad at me for being mean and he says he doubts she will ever "be over it" which, when looked at from the outside, is a bit funny - how on earth could we have formed this poly family if one argument (where I didn't even say bitch or the like!) made it impossible for us to communicate any further?

Honestly? So far I've not read a single thing that makes me think highly of her.

Oh, and the divorce talk is slowing down...he did some research and saw that my health insurance would be cut off after a year and that bothered him (i don't know if i mentioned that before) and so he is saying that is the reason he's re-thinking. That, or he realized that we have 15 years of growing together and to toss it away over an ill-thought out vacation is pretty silly.

Yeah. He was being rush and highly volatile.
Again, glad to hear he is realizing what really matters.

hugs!

 

[graceanne]

the ones with the couches that have built in restraints?

... sign me up!

 

[graceanne]

Honestly? So far I've not read a single thing that makes me think highly of her.

Ditto. Everything I've seen, so far, screams DRAMA QUEEN to me.