Long time, first time: feedback request

[Groppius]

Hey there, long time lurker, first time writer. I've been on this forum for a long time, in various forms, and while I've read some stories now and again I primarily spend my time in the personal ads section ('it is what it is' as they say).

For whatever reason (procrastination) I decided to try my hand at writing a story myself.

Empty Gallery Part One

Prose isn't exactly my go-to form and I'm inexperienced at erotica. I'd love to know what you're reading experience is like. Constructive criticism is very much welcome but really I just want to know how this is hitting people- good and bad. Don't be shy. What was reading this story like for you?

 

[annabellebrito]

What's the premise?

 

[Groppius]

What's the premise?

It's a femdom story about an up and coming artist relying on a gallery owner to help build his career. The gallery owner sees promise in him but she has a very 'particular' way of working with talent.

 

[annabellebrito]

Ok.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Prose isn't exactly my go-to form and I'm inexperienced at erotica. I'd love to know what you're reading experience is like. Constructive criticism is very much welcome but really I just want to know how this is hitting people- good and bad. Don't be shy. What was reading this story like for you?

I gave it a go, but found it very disjointed, the points of view shifting too quickly between Vanessa, Maxine, and Trevor. As a consequence, I gave up half way down page one. It wasn't easy to follow who the story was really about.

My suggestion, based on this reader/writer's response, is to stay clearly with one point of view and get that element of the story telling under control.

There is a place for multiple POVs in story telling, and rapid shifts can be done. But I get the feeling in this case, that maybe you're not always conscious that you're doing it so rapidly. Which, for a first story, is fair enough, and not the end of the world.

What I'll also say is, don't bother reworking this story (certainly not on the basis of one critique), but think about what I've said, see if you agree (you might think I'm talking rubbish, and I might be), and apply that to your next piece.

When you're starting out, there's no reason to think you'll hit your stride straight away. Do an apprenticeship first with a number of short, not too elaborate pieces, and settle into your personal style. That way, you'll get a bunch of stories under your belt, you'll learn more, and more quickly, and a) you'll figure out how you write; and b) what you want to write. That doesn't always come with the first story.

Write more!

 

[Groppius]

I gave it a go, but found it very disjointed, the points of view shifting too quickly between Vanessa, Maxine, and Trevor. As a consequence, I gave up half way down page one. It wasn't easy to follow who the story was really about.

My suggestion, based on this reader/writer's response, is to stay clearly with one point of view and get that element of the story telling under control.

There is a place for multiple POVs in story telling, and rapid shifts can be done. But I get the feeling in this case, that maybe you're not always conscious that you're doing it so rapidly. Which, for a first story, is fair enough, and not the end of the world.

What I'll also say is, don't bother reworking this story (certainly not on the basis of one critique), but think about what I've said, see if you agree (you might think I'm talking rubbish, and I might be), and apply that to your next piece.

When you're starting out, there's no reason to think you'll hit your stride straight away. Do an apprenticeship first with a number of short, not too elaborate pieces, and settle into your personal style. That way, you'll get a bunch of stories under your belt, you'll learn more, and more quickly, and a) you'll figure out how you write; and b) what you want to write. That doesn't always come with the first story.

Write more!

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[Steph_McNeal]

Thank you for sharing your story here, Groppius! I did read all of it and I mostly enjoyed it too. It seems like your readers enjoy it too, judging by the rating and that pretty red H-label. That is what counts in the end: you enjoying writing it, people enjoying reading it.

I like the way you write, that much I can tell you. There were some real gems in here. Like:

"Why ask your mouth to tell me what your body can show me?"

This goes hard. It is hot as hell and it wasn't even related to sex. I'm going to remember this.

Vanessa's childhood memory with the dog -- and how it popped back up in the end -- was great too. In fact, she had quite a few good moments. Great character, with one small caveat I'll get to later.

The tone; distant, pretentious, almost taking itself too seriously. Exactly what I imagine people in that kind of scene sound and act like. In many other settings, a sentence like:

He was always prodigious at cunnilingus and his talents had not waned

...would be pure cringe. Here, it's perfect. Hilarious, but perfect.

Although, just be careful not to go overboard on the pretentiousness. Sentences like these are a workout for me as a reader:

Vanessa vaguely remembered Trevor's name and, if she tried, could probably retrieve it from a cloud of 'could have beens' and 'almosts' floating in her head but Maxine's professionalism was such that suggesting the meeting at all meant that he must have something worth looking at.

Throw in a period or extra comma here and there if you can.

There is more stuff to work on. Because: there always is. I felt a similar disjointness as @Electriblue here and there. Especially the paragraphs where Maxine is introduced bounce around weirdly. It gets better later in the story, although every now and then it pops back up.

She pressed her body firmly against his. On his back he felt the mesh of her top and the tight fabric of her bra, both of them teasing his skin as he longed to feel the soft warmth of her breasts. Against the back of his legs he felt her thighs, knocking into his knees with her own to destabilize him. Finally she felt her pelvis firmly pressing against his ass.

Here, in just one paragraph, she is pressing, then he is feeling, then he is longing, then she is knocking and finally she is feeling again although that might also be a pronoun mixup where he should be feeling. Confusing.
I think it would've made more sense to stay close to Trevor the entire story. Either that, or make the switches fewer and more obvious.

Another part that could benefit from another look, is when Trevor and Maxine are having sex. The sex is fine, the dialogue is fine. The combination of those two; not so much. It made the whole thing from sexy and revealing to just plain funny. Let me show you what I mean. Here's just the dialogue:

"Her... 'hand'?"
"Sometimes," she answered "she's also really good with a strapon."
"Sounds kinky" he noted, struggling to keep his breath.
"It's a control thing," she responded. "It would be toxic if it wasn't so fun."

If you'd read just this you'd think they were having coffee. Alright, he's out of breath. Maybe they doing some light jogging?
Hmm, no. What actually happens during this small conversation, is one of them is hanging half off a stool, while the other is pounding her asshole. Then halfway (this same conversation still) he folds her over the kitchen counter, which she has to hold on to with both hands as he continues.
Later, too:

Maxine answered with an animalistic grunt she couldn't control.
"You wouldn't be the first of course."

That doesn't read like a grunt to me. It's more casual conversation...as she's folded in half and he's breaking the sofa she's on. (Literally!) It doesn't mesh for me, but maybe I've been doing it wrong.

This scene was nicely written:

"You're going to have to show me what you promised," she replied as she shifted in her chair to face the largest wall in the room.

"What's that?" he asked.

"You." She pulled the tool bag over to her and from it fished out a camera. With it she motioned to the wall, "get on that wall and show me yourself."

But right after this, it seems like you skip a few essential steps by having Trevor just....starting to undress. Unprompted. I found it impossible to believe, especially for a guy that was just before this annoyed, defiant, (aroused, sure) and angry. Trevor could probably guess where it was going. The request was implied, but Trevor's immediate compliance skips over the reluctance and negotiation that would make it believable.

Finally, you also have a tendency to carefully, deliberately work your way to a defining moment - a twist, a revelation, an 'oooh shit' moment - only to then just...brush it aside?

For instance, when Maxine drops a bomb that she and Vanessa are fucking.

"What's the matter," he asked finally- hot breath spilling over the back of her neck "not getting fucked enough?"
"No," she answered with a laugh. "I'm just usually getting it from Vanessa."
For Trevor, this was an unexpected answer. (...)

This should do something. Arouse him. Rattle him. Make him suspicious. Anything. Yet, the first thing we're getting is a bone dry factual statement.

This one I found particularly notable:

She spoke now in a low hushed tone that he found assurance in.
"You can do that for Daddy, right?"

This is it, right? This is the moment. We all knew it was coming. Trevor knew it was coming. Maxine told him, and here it is. The million dollar question. Now: is he going along with the daddy-stuff? Or will he remain steadfast in his believe that he is the daddy?

As a reader, I've been looking forward to this moment. Preparing for it. I want to see what's going to happen, but I also want this to be a big moment. Stay in it for a bit. Let time slow down so I can soak in every detail. Get in their heads. What I don't want is, Trevor merely 'bucking against the word' and...keep moving.
It's like you make a beautiful play all the way to the goal line and then deliberately stumble it in. Sure, the score is on the board. But did it satisfy the crowd? Meh.

Last but not least: are you familiar with the movie The Big Lebowski? I inadvertently started reading Vanessa's lines in the voice of Maude Lebowski and I just couldn't let it go. If that's what you were going for, then it was perfect. If not, then I'm sorry to say that it did take away some of the sexual tension. Maybe I've watched that movie too many times though.

Overall: solid story, could be great with a little more care. Of course I don't know what your process has been. But I feel like, if you'd have left this story alone for a week or two, then look at it with fresh eyes, you might've caught many of these issues yourself. Hopefully you can give it a shot for Part 2. I know I'm looking forward to more Vanessa!